So, as you all may know my guy & I have been having tiff after tiff. Tonight though things came to blows when he saw a message on my phone that looked like I was attempting to buy drugs.
Now, I realize that looks bad, infact I KNOW it's really bad. I've never actually bought drugs. Just in my own psychotic universe it's nice to know that there's somewhere I can get drugs if I so need them. That if I was that abandoned by my doctors I'd have a backup plan for my pain. My messages are usually something like this:
"I'm available on X date between X times if you're up for a deal" then X date and time come up and I cop out "No, sorry can't today."
The same used to be true before my brother died. I'd write out these suicide notes and stash them under my mattress. In case I ever decided that I needed a way out - I had it.
When my brother died that stopped that because, I could never put my parents through losing thier now only daughter.
I've never mentioned the drug thing to my guy because it's never been a real thing. It's always a fanciful "if it came down to it ...." kinda thing.
Ever since being released from the hospital I've been struggling with my pain. more than normal. I'm freaked out and don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my doctor for more medication for fear he'll just kick me out of pain management for going through my script too quickly. And I don't want to be left out in the cold in that painful situation.
Well like I said my guy saw the messages on my phone my squirrely plans that would never become anything and he's absolutely furious.
We've been struggling with trust issues because a month ago I tried to hide some money from him because I felt like he was watching me too carefully. Nothing to do with drugs or drug money but he doesn't believe that. From there we've been building our trust - him staying out of my money and me telling even the littlest of things to him.
I just didn't mention this thing or stress about the drugs because every time I brought it up he would get defensive, angry and frustrated. So I was just keeping it to myself and working towards it with plans to call my pain doctor on Monday to discuss options.
Now, it seems like we are pretty much over. I feel pretty broken. Tomorrow we're gonna talk and chances are I'm going to be moving into my parents house back in California to give him space from me. Right now he just wants the relationship to be over and that hurts me so much because, I've put my all into this. I love him so much, my family likes him too, I can't believe I was such an idoit and fucked it up so horribly.
I never meant to hurt anyone, but I did and now I have to deal with the consequences and exciting this relationship when we had JUST made our first steps to move in together and do anything.
I don't want him to feel trapped because of finances so, I'm going to help him out as much as possible. It's the least I can do, but I feel like a pig.
In my perspective, this is kind of a huge problem. Trust and honesty are like number one In relationships for me so I would probably react similar. The fact that this has happened more tHan once in a very short time period makes it insanely hard for someone, especially if that person gives you those things, like honesty, that you deny them for selfish reasons. I know what it's like to be in pain and need pain killers and it's a terrible thing to be going through, so I'm sorry if that is a bit harsh, but I don't think any amount of pain gives you the right to be dishonest with someone you want trust you. 1. Talk to your doctor if you need more meds, if you're earnest and honest about what you need, doctors are usually pretty appeasing. That means telling them you're still in pain and need extra maintenance, not that you need more oxys/morphine(in my case) 2. Be honest with yourself. These dream idea drug setup deals are not ok, will make you feel terrible about yourself, and you will not get what you need. 3. If your guy stays around, be honest with him or don't get upset when he doesn't trust you, that not reasonable or realistic. I'm sorry if this comment came across a bit negative, I'm just usually the person on the other side of this type of thing. Remember, everything will turn out ok, one way or another...We've been struggling with trust issues because a month ago I tried to hide some money from him because I felt like he was watching me too carefully. Nothing to do with drugs or drug money but he doesn't believe that
Thanks, no you weren't harsh - you made a lot of sense. I'm trying hard to better myself. Things happen and I don't always consider them big deals. I've lived on my own for 3years and never had to deal with another person so its a huge learning curve. I feel horrid that I broke his trust like this. I never meant to hide anything. My friend was able to vouch for me saying that I was trying to tell him about the drugs but was super scared, couldn't figure out how to just say it. I owe her one. Then like just now we were going over some of the money stuff and I was like, "Oh! This came across in my bank account recently." He was ticked off but understood that I didn't just mention X. I explained that it wasnt an attempt to hide it - it was just unimportant to me because of how long ago it happened and that they finally processed the payment recently hence our discussion. He could at least understand that but would prefer me to think of these things before they post of give a heads up on "oh hey X is happening." One thing I'm gonna work on is a list of things I think he should know about - financial, personal, health, etc., so that three aren't any secrets. Because, there should NEVER be secrets. I just suck at identifying information that could potentially blow up in my face. IE: The money stuff and even the drug stuff - I wasn't trying to hide it from him. It was blantaly on my phone and he grabbed it to take a picture and I didn't think twice about it. So when he saw the messages and asked... I had a hard time explaining and he was furious. Didn't believe a thing I said, and that hurt because I finally got the balls to be honest about the struggle given the information he had. If I was really buy drugs or doing sneaky shit for real - it would've been better hidden. But it doesn't matter, I was struggling and hopefully I can figure myself out. I think that list will be helpful.Remember, everything will turn out ok, one way or another...
This idea is a good one. Try to remember that whether or not dishonesty is intentional, it hurts just the same. And I think you mentioned another time recently you were a little dishonest, this makes it harder the second time to believe what you say in the heat of the moment. Usually, from my experience, the guy will come around when he calms down. Dishonesty is never better, and hiding shit sucks. If you are with someone you feel you cannot be honest with, maybe you should reevaluate where you're at. Being honest is much easier and feels much better than not. What feels "better" about hiding it in your case is that you have a reason to hide these things...he doesn't like them. And being completely open and honest with your partner about things they don't like, agree with, or understand can be incredibly hard. You start to get in the mind state that they'll never accept all of you, and then the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to be honest about it. What I think you're starting to realize is that you can't just pick random times to blurt out the things you don't usually mention without getting some kind of backlashy response. The thing is, he will be finding these things out for the first time, whereas you've known you your whole life. You're with you, in your head 24/7. If you don't tell people things the first time they come up for you, you have to find a perfect future moment to bring up the fact that somehow the thing you've been hiding fits into...which is kind of terrible, but is also kind of an art. This is the best thing you'll ever put into practice in a relationship. It is insanely relieving. This is a problem everyone has, so don't get to down on it. Sometimes(dramatically understated), in a relationship, you have to actually put yourself in the perspective of: Would this thing bother me if the shoes were swapped? And knowing your partner well enough to at least make an effort to actively do the things you think/know your partner would want even though you may have to go a tiny bit(also hugely understated at times) out of your own comfort zone. Remember, it's a partnership. That does not mean it's 50/50 all the time. Sometimes, especially after things like blown up dishonesty happens, you have to pull 80%, really bad shit can happen and sometimes you will have to be the 100% rock(at these times in my life I have to remember how huge of a stubborn ass I can be and I definitely need my rock sometimes because I am not a fully functional person without the other half of my heart that is my partner and the love of my life). But that's your personal choice, and it's an amazing experience to have someone you truly want to share 100% of yourself and your life with, for better or worse :P. You sound like your head is in the right place though, just keep pushing forwards and the end result will be totally worth the means by which you got there.One thing I'm gonna work on is a list of things I think he should know about - financial, personal, health, etc., so that three aren't any secrets. Because, there should NEVER be secrets. I just suck at identifying information that could potentially blow up in my face. IE: The money stuff and even the drug stuff - I wasn't trying to hide it from him. It was blantaly on my phone and he grabbed it to take a picture and I didn't think twice about it.
Didn't believe a thing I said, and that hurt because I finally got the balls to be honest about the struggle given the information he had. If I was really buy drugs or doing sneaky shit for real - it would've been better hidden.
Because, there should NEVER be secrets.
I just suck at identifying information that could potentially blow up in my face.
I emailed him a list of truths. At least 20 different important things about me and any secrets I may have carried throughout my life. Most of it he already knew but I went through everything in my life and tried to think of EVERYTHING important and share it with him and told him if there was something that comes up that I didn't mention its because I sincerely forgot about it. I think it was an action step in the right direction. Ya, that was my problem with the drugs. He's willing to work on things and we have a plan to give each other space and detox me off. We leave for Cali so I can be under my parents care on Monday and he flies home Monday night leaving me there. The good news is I'm already down on the drugs. Only taking my prescribed dose yesterday and surviving. Today I plan to take none with the option of taking just one if the pain so warrants it. OR maybe even a half if I can. I'm going to have to go a few days without to make my script last but, I dug my own grave on that one. So, the process has been at least started before I even got to Cali which is good. Anyway, again thank you for all your time on this and thoughts, you've been nothing but encouraging whereas I had to delete posts on Reddit because people were like, "lying dirty whore" and that served to help no one. I have my flaws, and I'm sick of being strong, but being strong is something I'm good at so I'll work through these and this even though I have feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and worthlessness.This idea is a good one. Try to remember that whether or not dishonesty is intentional, it hurts just the same. And I think you mentioned another time recently you were a little dishonest, this makes it harder the second time to believe what you say in the heat of the moment. Usually, from my experience, the guy will come around when he calms down.
You're with you, in your head 24/7. If you don't tell people things the first time they come up for you, you have to find a perfect future moment to bring up the fact that somehow the thing you've been hiding fits into...which is kind of terrible, but is also kind of an art.
I'm not usually one to go for name calling when I'm not super emotionally involved with the topic, lol. So you're safe from responses like you got on reddit. The thing is, everybody lies, to whom and what is really what makes those lies malicious or bad. It's easy to get away with/overlook most of the things you are dishonest about regularly because they are just kind of part of you. When you choose to be in a relationship with someone else, you have to pay attention to the things that are important to them as far as what you can and can't be morally dishonest about, as well as finding a decent compromise with where you started vs. where they want you to be.Anyway, again thank you for all your time on this and thoughts, you've been nothing but encouraging whereas I had to delete posts on Reddit because people were like, "lying dirty whore" and that served to help no one.
Howdy. You know, I'm not usually one to give out advice over the internet unless it's something along the lines of "Dude, don't waste your money on 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow!'" I mean, the world is one hell of a crazy place and I barely know my own part in it, let alone anyone else's. Reading this though, I feel compelled to share some initial thoughts though. Don't think of it as advice per se, because I don't think I have a right to tell you what to do with your life. Instead, think of it as just what I'd do in your shoes. Now, I realize that looks bad, infact I KNOW it's really bad. I've never actually bought drugs. Just in my own psychotic universe it's nice to know that there's somewhere I can get drugs if I so need them. That if I was that abandoned by my doctors I'd have a backup plan for my pain. My messages are usually something like this: "I'm available on X date between X times if you're up for a deal" then X date and time come up and I cop out "No, sorry can't today." This behavior is unsafe. For multiple reasons. You've already seen that it has a negative impact on your relationship. Worse all though, you're dancing on the edge of temptation. Sure, you don't want drugs now, but the fact that you know where to get them means that all it takes is a moment of emotional weakness or extreme curiosity and you'll find yourself going down an ass crazy rabbit hole. Delete those contacts. Isolate yourself from something that you know is bad. Yeah. That's a rough spot. On the one hand, it's important to have an open dialogue with your doctor because obviously you need help. On the other hand though, getting cut off is a real possibility. If I were in that situation, I'd do three things. One, learn to ride out the pain. I know that sounds like shitty advice but one of the best skills a person can develop in their life is the perseverance and the patience to bear hardships. Two, see if you can't find some pain management alternatives. Heat pads, massages, I dunno. I'm not a doctor. Three. Talk to your doctor. Most are reasonable people. Say "Look, I'm trying really hard here, but I'm having a tough time. You gotta believe me. Is there anything we can do? Upping my prescription? A new pill combo? What are your thoughts on the matter?" See what he has to say. I mean, for the love of God, you're on a feeding tube, so you're obviously not some goon looking for a fix. Now, it seems like we are pretty much over. I feel pretty broken. Tomorrow we're gonna talk and chances are I'm going to be moving into my parents house back in California to give him space from me. Right now he just wants the relationship to be over and that hurts me so much because, I've put my all into this. I love him so much, my family likes him too, I can't believe I was such an idoit and fucked it up so horribly. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I did and now I have to deal with the consequences and exciting this relationship when we had JUST made our first steps to move in together and do anything. You fucked up. He fucked up. Everybody fucked up. You're young. You're in your 20s. That's the decade in life where you're supposed to fuck up. Take everything that is happening to heart and learn from it good and right so that you don't make these kinds of mistakes down the road. Going back to your parents sounds like a good idea. I know you just got a job and all down there, but maybe you need a familiar routine to help you get your head straight. Chances are, if you asked them, they'd probably say the same. Keep in mind you don't owe him anything unless you're legally obligated, like a lease or being a cosigner on a car loan. If you feel like helping him out, in a way you're letting yourself stay trapped in an aspect of this relationship. xofaith, you're awesome and the world belongs to you. Don't forget that. The thing is though, the world and our relationship with it is a very fragile thing. So slow down a bit and be gentle with the way you handle things. Chances are you'll find the outcomes more favorable.So, as you all may know my guy & I have been having tiff after tiff. Tonight though things came to blows when he saw a message on my phone that looked like I was attempting to buy drugs.
Ever since being released from the hospital I've been struggling with my pain. more than normal. I'm freaked out and don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my doctor for more medication for fear he'll just kick me out of pain management for going through my script too quickly. And I don't want to be left out in the cold in that painful situation.
"My boyfriend and I have pretty much been on the rocks from day one."
I don't want him to feel trapped because of finances so, I'm going to help him out as much as possible. It's the least I can do, but I feel like a pig.
So, today I got a hold of my psychiatrist. He works Saturdays which is a fantastic thing. Can't tell you how many times I've needed him on a Saturday. Anyway, his suggestion was to just deal with being out early and not mention that part to my pain doctor next visit because, I cannot afford to lose my script. So in the meantime I am tapering/detoxing off of my pain pills which is going to SUCK because withdrawals and pain are like my worst nightmare. It's just necessary to get back to a comfortable dosage and not loose my long term script. I do have some medications like ativan and lyrica that I can use to mitigate the withdrawal symptoms for a few days which is good/helpful/encouraging. More than that my boyfriend is willing to look things over and reevaluate everything if I go and withdraw/detox at my parents place in Cali. So we are scheduled to leave on Monday for Cali. I just really want this relationship to work. He does care about me and I do care about him but, this shit I've put him through isn't right and I know that. Being at my parents house I was worried they wouldn't let me manage my own medication and just do it. Looks like we've come to an agreement that as long as I'm not using the oxycodone - I can mix and match things within my psychiatrists recommendations without going through them to get the medications. I think this will be empowering for me because, I'll be able to fix this issue somewhat on my own accord with help from my family. Dunno. Dunno. Dunno. I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.
I'm not gonna lie. I don't know much about medication to know whether or not what you have planned is a good idea. You should definitely keep in good touch with your doctors and be very, very careful. It's great that your parents are willing to help you through this. That said . . . That's no way to think. Day in and day out, no matter how shitty you feel, you need to respect yourself, remind yourself why you're great. Push yourself each day to be just a little bit better than you were the day before. Some days you'll do it with little effort, other days you'll fall up short. That's cool. Shit happens. What's not cool, is giving up. Remember, you're awesome. You already know it. All you have to do is show it, each and every day.I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.
Like I told randomuser ... So that's good, as far as the medication goes, I know quite a bit about them because, I've had to deal with so many medications for so long. My psychiatrist has signed off on my ability to use the right medication during the right times to mitigate symptoms. He also believes that I should keep this quiet from my pain doctor - well let, him know I struggled after surgery but was able to work it out / manage it but, not to go overboard with unnecessary details because, I can't have him kicking me out of the program. I truly need a basic script and have a need for it. So yah.I have my flaws, and I'm sick of being strong, but being strong is something I'm good at so I'll work through these and this even though I have feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and worthlessness.
rd95 thank you for adding some sense into my life right now during a time where NOTHING seems fair or sensible. I really appreciate you taking the time to weigh in. I completely see what you mean. It being a dangerous fantasy. I don't know why I even engaged in it. Fear, I guess. I kept attempting to come up with the right way to tell my guy about it and just felt scared every time. Fact of the matter is I've never purchased drugs and had a plan to call my doctor on Monday morning to explain where I was at after they pumped me full of Dilaudid at the hospital and discharged me without weening me down. I'm on about 25mgs - 30mgs/day of the oxycodone when I should only be at 10mg/day. I'm running out fast and I am scared of getting kicked out of pain management for abusing my script. Hence why I was looking elsewhere for a bad insurance policy. My guy doesn't believe that I was never going to do it, that when X day came I was going to say "nope can't today" - it's just kinda what I do/always have done. It's a weird coping mechanism but it is what it is. It's flawed. I'm flawed and that's okay. I just wish he could see that. I also ride out the pain quite a bit I probably could use a lot more pain medication but I choose to keep the dosage as low as possible - it is just these past two weeks that I've been struggling because things got all messed up. I plan to contact my doctor Monday and will be speaking with my psychiatrist at 3pm today since he works Saturdays. A childhood friend who I've known since our 11th birthday (born the same day as me) took time out her Saturday, which she normally doesn't do to message my boyfriend and basically explain X, Y & Z and encouraged him to give this another shot. I owe her one for digging me out of this hole. I've got to stop getting into holes though she's been bailing me out of a variety of messes from middle school onwards.