Howdy. You know, I'm not usually one to give out advice over the internet unless it's something along the lines of "Dude, don't waste your money on 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow!'" I mean, the world is one hell of a crazy place and I barely know my own part in it, let alone anyone else's. Reading this though, I feel compelled to share some initial thoughts though. Don't think of it as advice per se, because I don't think I have a right to tell you what to do with your life. Instead, think of it as just what I'd do in your shoes. Now, I realize that looks bad, infact I KNOW it's really bad. I've never actually bought drugs. Just in my own psychotic universe it's nice to know that there's somewhere I can get drugs if I so need them. That if I was that abandoned by my doctors I'd have a backup plan for my pain. My messages are usually something like this: "I'm available on X date between X times if you're up for a deal" then X date and time come up and I cop out "No, sorry can't today." This behavior is unsafe. For multiple reasons. You've already seen that it has a negative impact on your relationship. Worse all though, you're dancing on the edge of temptation. Sure, you don't want drugs now, but the fact that you know where to get them means that all it takes is a moment of emotional weakness or extreme curiosity and you'll find yourself going down an ass crazy rabbit hole. Delete those contacts. Isolate yourself from something that you know is bad. Yeah. That's a rough spot. On the one hand, it's important to have an open dialogue with your doctor because obviously you need help. On the other hand though, getting cut off is a real possibility. If I were in that situation, I'd do three things. One, learn to ride out the pain. I know that sounds like shitty advice but one of the best skills a person can develop in their life is the perseverance and the patience to bear hardships. Two, see if you can't find some pain management alternatives. Heat pads, massages, I dunno. I'm not a doctor. Three. Talk to your doctor. Most are reasonable people. Say "Look, I'm trying really hard here, but I'm having a tough time. You gotta believe me. Is there anything we can do? Upping my prescription? A new pill combo? What are your thoughts on the matter?" See what he has to say. I mean, for the love of God, you're on a feeding tube, so you're obviously not some goon looking for a fix. Now, it seems like we are pretty much over. I feel pretty broken. Tomorrow we're gonna talk and chances are I'm going to be moving into my parents house back in California to give him space from me. Right now he just wants the relationship to be over and that hurts me so much because, I've put my all into this. I love him so much, my family likes him too, I can't believe I was such an idoit and fucked it up so horribly. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I did and now I have to deal with the consequences and exciting this relationship when we had JUST made our first steps to move in together and do anything. You fucked up. He fucked up. Everybody fucked up. You're young. You're in your 20s. That's the decade in life where you're supposed to fuck up. Take everything that is happening to heart and learn from it good and right so that you don't make these kinds of mistakes down the road. Going back to your parents sounds like a good idea. I know you just got a job and all down there, but maybe you need a familiar routine to help you get your head straight. Chances are, if you asked them, they'd probably say the same. Keep in mind you don't owe him anything unless you're legally obligated, like a lease or being a cosigner on a car loan. If you feel like helping him out, in a way you're letting yourself stay trapped in an aspect of this relationship. xofaith, you're awesome and the world belongs to you. Don't forget that. The thing is though, the world and our relationship with it is a very fragile thing. So slow down a bit and be gentle with the way you handle things. Chances are you'll find the outcomes more favorable.So, as you all may know my guy & I have been having tiff after tiff. Tonight though things came to blows when he saw a message on my phone that looked like I was attempting to buy drugs.
Ever since being released from the hospital I've been struggling with my pain. more than normal. I'm freaked out and don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my doctor for more medication for fear he'll just kick me out of pain management for going through my script too quickly. And I don't want to be left out in the cold in that painful situation.
"My boyfriend and I have pretty much been on the rocks from day one."
I don't want him to feel trapped because of finances so, I'm going to help him out as much as possible. It's the least I can do, but I feel like a pig.
So, today I got a hold of my psychiatrist. He works Saturdays which is a fantastic thing. Can't tell you how many times I've needed him on a Saturday. Anyway, his suggestion was to just deal with being out early and not mention that part to my pain doctor next visit because, I cannot afford to lose my script. So in the meantime I am tapering/detoxing off of my pain pills which is going to SUCK because withdrawals and pain are like my worst nightmare. It's just necessary to get back to a comfortable dosage and not loose my long term script. I do have some medications like ativan and lyrica that I can use to mitigate the withdrawal symptoms for a few days which is good/helpful/encouraging. More than that my boyfriend is willing to look things over and reevaluate everything if I go and withdraw/detox at my parents place in Cali. So we are scheduled to leave on Monday for Cali. I just really want this relationship to work. He does care about me and I do care about him but, this shit I've put him through isn't right and I know that. Being at my parents house I was worried they wouldn't let me manage my own medication and just do it. Looks like we've come to an agreement that as long as I'm not using the oxycodone - I can mix and match things within my psychiatrists recommendations without going through them to get the medications. I think this will be empowering for me because, I'll be able to fix this issue somewhat on my own accord with help from my family. Dunno. Dunno. Dunno. I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.
I'm not gonna lie. I don't know much about medication to know whether or not what you have planned is a good idea. You should definitely keep in good touch with your doctors and be very, very careful. It's great that your parents are willing to help you through this. That said . . . That's no way to think. Day in and day out, no matter how shitty you feel, you need to respect yourself, remind yourself why you're great. Push yourself each day to be just a little bit better than you were the day before. Some days you'll do it with little effort, other days you'll fall up short. That's cool. Shit happens. What's not cool, is giving up. Remember, you're awesome. You already know it. All you have to do is show it, each and every day.I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.
Like I told randomuser ... So that's good, as far as the medication goes, I know quite a bit about them because, I've had to deal with so many medications for so long. My psychiatrist has signed off on my ability to use the right medication during the right times to mitigate symptoms. He also believes that I should keep this quiet from my pain doctor - well let, him know I struggled after surgery but was able to work it out / manage it but, not to go overboard with unnecessary details because, I can't have him kicking me out of the program. I truly need a basic script and have a need for it. So yah.I have my flaws, and I'm sick of being strong, but being strong is something I'm good at so I'll work through these and this even though I have feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and worthlessness.
rd95 thank you for adding some sense into my life right now during a time where NOTHING seems fair or sensible. I really appreciate you taking the time to weigh in. I completely see what you mean. It being a dangerous fantasy. I don't know why I even engaged in it. Fear, I guess. I kept attempting to come up with the right way to tell my guy about it and just felt scared every time. Fact of the matter is I've never purchased drugs and had a plan to call my doctor on Monday morning to explain where I was at after they pumped me full of Dilaudid at the hospital and discharged me without weening me down. I'm on about 25mgs - 30mgs/day of the oxycodone when I should only be at 10mg/day. I'm running out fast and I am scared of getting kicked out of pain management for abusing my script. Hence why I was looking elsewhere for a bad insurance policy. My guy doesn't believe that I was never going to do it, that when X day came I was going to say "nope can't today" - it's just kinda what I do/always have done. It's a weird coping mechanism but it is what it is. It's flawed. I'm flawed and that's okay. I just wish he could see that. I also ride out the pain quite a bit I probably could use a lot more pain medication but I choose to keep the dosage as low as possible - it is just these past two weeks that I've been struggling because things got all messed up. I plan to contact my doctor Monday and will be speaking with my psychiatrist at 3pm today since he works Saturdays. A childhood friend who I've known since our 11th birthday (born the same day as me) took time out her Saturday, which she normally doesn't do to message my boyfriend and basically explain X, Y & Z and encouraged him to give this another shot. I owe her one for digging me out of this hole. I've got to stop getting into holes though she's been bailing me out of a variety of messes from middle school onwards.