So, as you all may know my guy & I have been having tiff after tiff. Tonight though things came to blows when he saw a message on my phone that looked like I was attempting to buy drugs.
Now, I realize that looks bad, infact I KNOW it's really bad. I've never actually bought drugs. Just in my own psychotic universe it's nice to know that there's somewhere I can get drugs if I so need them. That if I was that abandoned by my doctors I'd have a backup plan for my pain. My messages are usually something like this:
"I'm available on X date between X times if you're up for a deal" then X date and time come up and I cop out "No, sorry can't today."
The same used to be true before my brother died. I'd write out these suicide notes and stash them under my mattress. In case I ever decided that I needed a way out - I had it.
When my brother died that stopped that because, I could never put my parents through losing thier now only daughter.
I've never mentioned the drug thing to my guy because it's never been a real thing. It's always a fanciful "if it came down to it ...." kinda thing.
Ever since being released from the hospital I've been struggling with my pain. more than normal. I'm freaked out and don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my doctor for more medication for fear he'll just kick me out of pain management for going through my script too quickly. And I don't want to be left out in the cold in that painful situation.
Well like I said my guy saw the messages on my phone my squirrely plans that would never become anything and he's absolutely furious.
We've been struggling with trust issues because a month ago I tried to hide some money from him because I felt like he was watching me too carefully. Nothing to do with drugs or drug money but he doesn't believe that. From there we've been building our trust - him staying out of my money and me telling even the littlest of things to him.
I just didn't mention this thing or stress about the drugs because every time I brought it up he would get defensive, angry and frustrated. So I was just keeping it to myself and working towards it with plans to call my pain doctor on Monday to discuss options.
Now, it seems like we are pretty much over. I feel pretty broken. Tomorrow we're gonna talk and chances are I'm going to be moving into my parents house back in California to give him space from me. Right now he just wants the relationship to be over and that hurts me so much because, I've put my all into this. I love him so much, my family likes him too, I can't believe I was such an idoit and fucked it up so horribly.
I never meant to hurt anyone, but I did and now I have to deal with the consequences and exciting this relationship when we had JUST made our first steps to move in together and do anything.
I don't want him to feel trapped because of finances so, I'm going to help him out as much as possible. It's the least I can do, but I feel like a pig.