So, today I got a hold of my psychiatrist. He works Saturdays which is a fantastic thing. Can't tell you how many times I've needed him on a Saturday. Anyway, his suggestion was to just deal with being out early and not mention that part to my pain doctor next visit because, I cannot afford to lose my script. So in the meantime I am tapering/detoxing off of my pain pills which is going to SUCK because withdrawals and pain are like my worst nightmare. It's just necessary to get back to a comfortable dosage and not loose my long term script. I do have some medications like ativan and lyrica that I can use to mitigate the withdrawal symptoms for a few days which is good/helpful/encouraging. More than that my boyfriend is willing to look things over and reevaluate everything if I go and withdraw/detox at my parents place in Cali. So we are scheduled to leave on Monday for Cali. I just really want this relationship to work. He does care about me and I do care about him but, this shit I've put him through isn't right and I know that. Being at my parents house I was worried they wouldn't let me manage my own medication and just do it. Looks like we've come to an agreement that as long as I'm not using the oxycodone - I can mix and match things within my psychiatrists recommendations without going through them to get the medications. I think this will be empowering for me because, I'll be able to fix this issue somewhat on my own accord with help from my family. Dunno. Dunno. Dunno. I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.
I'm not gonna lie. I don't know much about medication to know whether or not what you have planned is a good idea. You should definitely keep in good touch with your doctors and be very, very careful. It's great that your parents are willing to help you through this. That said . . . That's no way to think. Day in and day out, no matter how shitty you feel, you need to respect yourself, remind yourself why you're great. Push yourself each day to be just a little bit better than you were the day before. Some days you'll do it with little effort, other days you'll fall up short. That's cool. Shit happens. What's not cool, is giving up. Remember, you're awesome. You already know it. All you have to do is show it, each and every day.I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.
Like I told randomuser ... So that's good, as far as the medication goes, I know quite a bit about them because, I've had to deal with so many medications for so long. My psychiatrist has signed off on my ability to use the right medication during the right times to mitigate symptoms. He also believes that I should keep this quiet from my pain doctor - well let, him know I struggled after surgery but was able to work it out / manage it but, not to go overboard with unnecessary details because, I can't have him kicking me out of the program. I truly need a basic script and have a need for it. So yah.I have my flaws, and I'm sick of being strong, but being strong is something I'm good at so I'll work through these and this even though I have feelings of self-doubt, self-hate, and worthlessness.