rd95

thank you for adding some sense into my life right now during a time where NOTHING seems fair or sensible. I really appreciate you taking the time to weigh in. I completely see what you mean. It being a dangerous fantasy. I don't know why I even engaged in it. Fear, I guess.

I kept attempting to come up with the right way to tell my guy about it and just felt scared every time. Fact of the matter is I've never purchased drugs and had a plan to call my doctor on Monday morning to explain where I was at after they pumped me full of Dilaudid at the hospital and discharged me without weening me down. I'm on about 25mgs - 30mgs/day of the oxycodone when I should only be at 10mg/day. I'm running out fast and I am scared of getting kicked out of pain management for abusing my script. Hence why I was looking elsewhere for a bad insurance policy.

My guy doesn't believe that I was never going to do it, that when X day came I was going to say "nope can't today" - it's just kinda what I do/always have done. It's a weird coping mechanism but it is what it is. It's flawed. I'm flawed and that's okay. I just wish he could see that.

I also ride out the pain quite a bit I probably could use a lot more pain medication but I choose to keep the dosage as low as possible - it is just these past two weeks that I've been struggling because things got all messed up. I plan to contact my doctor Monday and will be speaking with my psychiatrist at 3pm today since he works Saturdays.

A childhood friend who I've known since our 11th birthday (born the same day as me) took time out her Saturday, which she normally doesn't do to message my boyfriend and basically explain X, Y & Z and encouraged him to give this another shot. I owe her one for digging me out of this hole. I've got to stop getting into holes though she's been bailing me out of a variety of messes from middle school onwards.