So, today I got a hold of my psychiatrist. He works Saturdays which is a fantastic thing. Can't tell you how many times I've needed him on a Saturday.

Anyway, his suggestion was to just deal with being out early and not mention that part to my pain doctor next visit because, I cannot afford to lose my script. So in the meantime I am tapering/detoxing off of my pain pills which is going to SUCK because withdrawals and pain are like my worst nightmare.

It's just necessary to get back to a comfortable dosage and not loose my long term script.

I do have some medications like ativan and lyrica that I can use to mitigate the withdrawal symptoms for a few days which is good/helpful/encouraging.

More than that my boyfriend is willing to look things over and reevaluate everything if I go and withdraw/detox at my parents place in Cali. So we are scheduled to leave on Monday for Cali. I just really want this relationship to work. He does care about me and I do care about him but, this shit I've put him through isn't right and I know that.

Being at my parents house I was worried they wouldn't let me manage my own medication and just do it. Looks like we've come to an agreement that as long as I'm not using the oxycodone - I can mix and match things within my psychiatrists recommendations without going through them to get the medications.

I think this will be empowering for me because, I'll be able to fix this issue somewhat on my own accord with help from my family.

Dunno. Dunno. Dunno.

I just want to be better. I hate it that I keep screwing up like this. I wish I could be trusted. I hate who I am and what I've become.