Y'all are asleep right now but I'm going to post this anyway. I used the word self-doubtski in Pubski this week and lil turned it into a tag so I'm going to use it here, I think this is the first post on it.
Lately I've been having some serious commitment issues. I have a job, which is a great opportunity, but I'm realizing that once this contract is up there's nothing stopping me from jumping ship and going somewhere else and changing jobs, laterally moving, etc. It's very fluid when you know there's a distinct possibility of doing something else in a little over a year and while it's providing me drive to do well, it's not providing me with any sort of long-term commitment to this company. Which might be a good thing. The same goes with a potential relationship, I'm having a lot of trouble making that kind of a commitment right now for various reasons. My life has been very transient lately, and I think I've become accustomed to the rapid pace of meeting people and developing a relationship up to a certain point and then not having the time in one location to move past that point. But now I'm settled into one spot and have that opportunity, but it doesn't feel like something I'm able to give 100% to doing and it feels almost wrong because at one point I was very interested in a relationship in general and now I'm not sure what I want. Part of it is the fact that I might not be here in a little over a year and it almost feels like a waste to be tied down in a firm relationship at this stage in life (early 20s).
In general, it seems difficult to become committed to anything when life is moving so fast and there are constantly new opportunities and new people. Maybe a lot of it is a fear of opportunity lose and the thought that there's always something else out there I'm missing and some new experience to be had, and some of that almost certainly comes from this move and all of those experiences. This is something I haven't felt before at this intensity which is why this post is happening.
Does anyone else have similar experiences? Do you find yourself having trouble making commitments? What happens for you to become committed to a person, place, idea, etc.? Am I being crazy?
tl;dr: I don't feel committed to anything right now (work, place of living, relationships) and it's not how I was expecting to feel at this stage of the game and I want to know how you feel about these kind of things.
wasoxygen wrote this to me today which is wildly true and appropriate: Actually, you may be a Hubski user if you constantly struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure because the list of things you want to do is so much longer than the list of things you get done. So, know that you are not alone. A lot of people see me as someone who has their shit together and is accomplishing tons of shit and is owning life. My secret is.... I'm not. I just pretend I am. Fake it until you make it. Do the best to you can possibly do at what you are doing and let the doors open themselves. Choose which door to walk through in 6 months or a year or whenever you are forced to make a decision. Don't worry too much about where you will be in a year, focus now on having the best time, being the best person you can be (for you.. your partner...your job...your work), and making as many opportunities as you can for yourself. Some things will work out and some won't. But at least you won't regret living life halfway. It's more likely that you will regret that than you will regret making one decision over another.I fail at doing things too.
This is what I'm ruminating on right now and have been grappling with for the last few months. I am itching to move onto the next, more settled stage of my life, but I will only be in this position for a while, so I should enjoy it.
and then you pick yourself up again and start all over again. I wonder if we can think about commitment in terms of skills and issues that sustain you while everything else changes. Eventually one might find a welcoming community where those skills and issues are valued. I agree with dashnhammit that at some point it's a good idea to stay in one place for a while. Could you shout out to me when you post a new music blog - I just tracked back and saw that I missed a few.I'm realizing that once this contract is up there's nothing stopping me from jumping ship and going somewhere else and changing jobs
Note carefully the above sentence -- It's a contract job. They have NO commitment to you. They have put you in a fluid situation. If they made a commitment to you, you might be thinking differently.
cgod wrote this: When you start looking to settle down forever you should have few doubts in your choice, having finally found a person you don't want to live without.
well, yeah, maybe -- but that person can turn around the next day and say they want to live without you.
Well, kind of. This is a training program where the goal is to be fully prepared to move up in the company at the end of it. Job placement is currently more or less guaranteed, but it's not guaranteed that you'll end up in your department of choice or your shift of choice. Both of which might present issues, but again, in the future. I'm trying to follow this. What, to you, would be skills and issues that would fall into this? I will definitely give you a shoutout, thanks for staying interested!They have NO commitment to you.
I wonder if we can think about commitment in terms of skills and issues that sustain you while everything else changes.
I think, though, a bigger question might be this: How long should I give a location/job/relationship a chance before bailing out? Location especially, because bailing out of a location will also involve bailing out of the job and often the relationship in that place. I once left a location I loved in order to bail out of a relationship. I didn't feel capable of just moving down the street - had to leave the city, province, territory. Anyway, there are no universal answers to the questions you pose, but thinking and talking about it is probably useful.What, to you, would be skills and issues that would fall into this?
For example, I'm committed to being, say, a teacher and a writer. I would want to find myself a location where I could be those things. I'm also committed to being a mother and a daughter, so I shouldn't go too far from the location where those roles play out.
What kind of relationship commitment are you talking about? I'd strongly advise you not to get married until you reach your thirties. There are so many things you don't know about what can be had from a relationship. Playing the field is will teach you so much about yourself and what you value in a partner. If your commitment is merely not seeing others than that's fine. I think having a few meaningful long term relationships is great practice for settling down some day. When you start looking to settle down forever you should have few doubts in your choice, having finally found a person you don't want to live without.
NO MARRIAGE NO THANK YOU. Just being in a relationship as a general thing for more than, say, two or three months. I wouldn't say seeing others period but seeing someone and sticking with it for...however long. I have and have had no interest in marriage at least until I hit 30 unless something amazing happens, and possibly never because an institution I think it's silly. (also this is a not so subtle reminder to send me your Facebook page)
This doesn't directly answer your question, however: I realized a few years ago that people were always helping me, but I didn't help them the same. Not that I was mean or uncaring--I just led a very transient lifestyle, had for over a decade. Eternal wanderlust. I eventually realized that my perpetual itinerant pattern was damaging relationships, that I wasn't able to be there for others like others had been for me. I wanted to be good people like them. So, I worked my ass off trying to figure out how to learn and love stability. How to stick with things. How to commit. I gotta say, lot less adventures, lot less flash, less traveling, but damn, the things I've been able to do in my life after focusing on commitment and stability... they're game changers. Boring, yes. But in that boringness is found a certain zen. And I'm still able to satisfy my eternal curiosity. You're in your early 20s, however? A major point of a person's 20s (in my opinion) is to live, learn, travel, explore, have adventures, experiences, try on identities, costumes, roleplay, learn, expand, be curious, be exposed to new ideas. All that drama and conflict and randomness and feeling unsettled: that's you stretching your legs, starting to come awake in a crazy world with rules that make no sense, so many people making assumptions as to how to live your life... When you hit your 30s, you'll realize WHY you went through all the stuff you did. Even more so in your 40s. All that chaos, confusion, uncertainty, trying to find your way, failure after failure, mistake after mistake... these are the things that build character. (and I was very glad to, having clicked the link to your post with trepidation, read your post and realize you were talking about a different kind of becoming committed. That would've been awkward.)
Were you thinking it was the marriage thing? I know some people my age who have recently gotten married and it's crazy to me to do that to yourself. You did answer my question, and it was very reassuring to read your comment and realize that A: this is normal, B: I'm not crazy, and C: maybe this isn't a bad thing. There are some things I'm committed to as ideas, interests, and friends. But beyond that it's a total crap-shoot right now.
When I was writing about relationships, it was more about friends and acquaintances and casual relationships. I've come across in my life absolutely amazing people who are so giving and compassionate, they were the deciding factor that made me realize I wanted to be like them, and needed to change, learn how to commit, to make that happen. I'm at least a decade older than you, however, so that may or not be relevant for you. Something else, may or may not be relevant, I'm throwing this out there, in the off chance it might be. Another game changer for me was writing out long-term plans. Meaning, 2, 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now. Where I want to be when I'm 50-60. Where I want to be when I'm 40, and so on. Mapping out the steps I'd need to take... Not sure if I'm making sense. Basic idea: instead of using just one life plan (marriage, kids, job, retirement) and focusing all your frustrations, expectations onto that, try breaking it down into smaller sections. What would make you happy to accomplish in the next 5 years. What would you have to do in the next two years to make your 5 year goal possible. And so forth. This introduces flexibility, adaptability, you can look at it in a modular fashion, instead of an iron/concrete/heavy goal on your shoulders causing you anxiety, dragging you down crushing your hopes. Like, when you get to the end of the 2 year plan, you may realize your 5 year plan may've changed somewhat. Adapt, change perspective (this is a basic fact about getting older, perspective is in a permanent state of flux), but keep moving forward, keep setting goals. Oh, just realized I may've misunderstood the first question in your comment. If so, I initially thought before reading your post it was about being committed in a 5150 sense.
Don't sweat it. Embrace it. I'm in my late twenties and still not tied down to place, job or significant other. My only regret is not locking down marketable skills for a certain career track earlier on. Which isn't the same thing as having a steady, long-term job. A lot of people around me are now married, having babies and holding down really boring-sounding jobs. I don't begrudge them their choices, I just wonder how satisfied they are with their choices, or rather how satisfied they will be in a decade or so. My priorities are different from the mainstream, I suppose. I want to see the world now, get out of debt and build up my savings, and (not going to lie) date and sleep with a variety of people before I settle down. I recognize the social pressure to make babies and all that, but I'm going to "do me" first.it almost feels like a waste to be tied down in a firm relationship at this stage in life (early 20s).