There are many, many things we'd like from a relationship. These are just the first five that came to mind. Have you ever had this conversation with your partner or only when you're splitting up?
There's a little pop-psychology book that my marriage counselor made my wife and I read called The Five Languages of Love. The five languages are: Gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Everyone has some version of those according to the author. I kind of skimmed it but when I took the quiz at the end which explained my love languages it was close enough so I would put some stock in it.
I'm familiar with this pop-psych idea. It does have a degree of credence though. For example, gifts are not important to me. If a long term partner gave me jewelry or flowers on a significant event, I'd be pretty disappointed. I would much rather go out to do something with that person. It's definitely about understanding what your partner values, even if it is kind of a hokey concept.
Agreed. And I would, as a man, really like getting a ring or a watch or clothing as a gift because when I wear it then I can think of who gave it to me and I get to use it every day. As a wise man said, "Different strokes for different folks."
Yeah, we went over this back in my high school AP Psychology class like a decade ago, so my memory might be fuzzy, but it really did seem to fit well. And I think it's important to note that you're unlikely to have one language, but value certain languages above others. And it's useful to find out which languages your SO prefers, as I've had relationships where we were feeling unloved, only to find out that we were showing our love the way we understood it, instead of how the other did.
There's something else I need in a relationship. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on it, but I ended a two year relationship because of it. I NEED variety. I crave it. Sometimes I will get the urge to drop everything and just go. I get depressed if I find my life too monotonous. Thankfully my job and school are interesting and crazy enough to keep me focused for the time being, and I'm fortunate to have figured this out before going on to hurt too many people romantically. Perhaps it falls under the "respect" category, but if I don't find someone interesting enough, I have absolutely zero interest and probably don't really respect their values. We can totally be friends, just nothing romantic. Sometimes people say they're friends with/interested in me because I make their life more interesting. I quite dislike this; it makes me think, "Well. I can't really say the same for you, and I kind of resent that I am here for your entertainment." I still haven't figured out how to articulate this properly when rejecting someone. I usually just roll with, "I don't think we'd be a good match."
I've JUST read this and will need to think on it a bit. These conversations can make or break relationships... but when approached at the right time, with the right attitude and humility - the chances of making things exponentially better are pretty good.Ask your partner. It might be a scary conversation, but it seems like a genuine one and might keep you from being blind-sided by some imagined dissatisfaction down the road.
ok... lots of work this morning - but this post is rattling around in the back of my head and won't let me focus. Here's another thought: What do you have to offer in a relationship? Instead of whatI need, or am looking to get, I feel it equally or more important to understand what I have to give. The longer the relationship goes on - the more important this gets. To foster a relationship, you need to feed it, finding new ways to give to your partner, and develop deeper connections. (not that you don't know/understand that - I just thought it worth saying.)
Thanks Steve -- that is so right. Both giving and getting are crucially important. I'm glad you realize that these things are too complicated to be answered by a one-off post of what's on my mind today. I'm grateful for your comments and also for yellowoftops. There is no question that people get preoccupied with what they need without thinking at the same time about what they give. Of course, these kinds of issues only come up when one's needs are not being met creating cracks in the psyche (especially the unexamined psyche). Resentment starts to seep in through the cracks muddying the thinking. Often the more you give, the more you get back or should. I've found, though, that people might think they are giving and generous -- but if the giving is not what the other person actually wants, the gift is not received. This give and take should be negotiated a little. Sometimes the gift of being heard and understood is enough. (Sometimes.) Rumi's quote has been rattling around the back of my head: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Yeah, I agree, and think it's one of the hardest parts in a relationship. It's so easy to view your SO or even platonic friend as a crutch, something to fill a void you have. It's very hard to be able to self reflect and see what you have to offer, and if able, see what you're fulfilling for the other person. It was when I first joined hubski, I read a comment about how friendship is a give and take, sometimes someone is all give and can switch to all take, but there is this push and pull and it's stuck with me, one of those "Ah ha!" moments. It's been rattling around my head and it seems to fit in with this.
In a similar vein, I would amend #3 to Mutual Trust. One of the most frustrating things about my last relationship was that while I was totally comfortable opening up to my SO, discussing emotions, fears, hopes, etc., she rarely if ever consented to share her feelings. When I asked how she was, it was always fine, and anytime I wanted to make sure she was okay, she (somewhat sharply) insisted that everything was normal. After a while, that lack of trust got to me. Of course she also withheld physical closeness-- not as a means of persuasion, but simply because she wasn't interested at the time. It was rather a selfish behavior than a controlling one.
Finally had time to read this and I think there's something I value that isn't on your list. Maybe it falls under trust though. Empathy. I don't expect you to always resonate with how I'm feeling or what I think, but I do desire an attempt to understand how I'm feeling and not let it be an issue (within reason). I do the same thing but the other thing that is important to me is: space. Understanding that a relationship and the freedom to do things on your own are not mutually exclusive is very important to me. You won't have every single thing in common and being able to enjoy your differences is something that is important to me.
Tell me a story -- or, better yet, be passionate about something. Anything. I think it's the coolest thing in the world when someone lights up telling you about something that they value, and even if I don't necessarily understand why it's so cool or share the same enthusiasm, it's that genuine smile or twinkle in an eye which makes a relationship for me. Granted, I've only really been in one (woo) but the same goes for the friends that I've kept over the years. lil, I also have a question on something I just noticed -- which has nothing to do with this article...why Comic Sans?
Yes, the scorned Comic font has once again been noticed. I am so wrong to be using it, so wrong. The reason is this: the font should be supporting the content. The font should not be the content. The very fact that you noticed the font means I have failed. The font interrupted your reading and thus detracted from the content. Yet again, and again, and again I have failed to refont myself. And this has been thoroughly discussed in the past. And again and again. What's worse is my topics are fairly serious and when I use comic, my seriousity is diminished. I'm not crazy about trebuchet, but it's available on blogger... sigh. good bye comic. I know you'll be back.
I need my significant other to have a life of their own. This means their own friends, recreational activities, and dreams. I would never want someone to dive into a relationship with me and sacrifice everything else they have going for them. I work a seasonal job where I travel a LOT and so finding time with my girlfriend is difficult (especially since she works too). It would be amazing if we had more time together or were geographically closer but I really wouldn't change a thing. Some of my peers have girlfriends visit a lot or wives living with them who don't work or have their own social circles, but I just don't think I would be able to really love with someone who would sacrifice their entire life for me.
I'm thinking on this one, Lil. I'll try to reply later this afternoon. It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship.