I no longer have a girlfriend…

…because I now have a fiancée! We’re currently on holiday in the Italian Alps. When I mentioned our plans for our summer vacation to kleinbl00 he went “you know, being proposed to on a lake in Como is pretty storybook” and I was like “you’re not wrong that’s for sure”. Proposing had until that point been an idea for a future day, but we’re still going strong after five oftentimes turbulent years.

So after finally finding a ring two days before we left, carrying it in my camera bag where she wouldn’t have any reason to look around in, finding to a gorgeous green lakeside pergola in a beautiful village on Lake Como, and her mentioning how romantic this place is, I tell her I’d love to make a video of us with my new camera to capture this wonderful place and go down on one knee. She was completely surprised and elated. (And she loves the ring! Phew.)

I’m still surprised it worked out as well as it did. I even got the video exactly the way I hoped. Not that that matters too much, but it’s the cherry on the cake that I got both the composition right as well as the technical settings that I wanted (6.2K, 30fps, shutter at 1/60 with my variable ND filter and the Eterna Fuji film setting). It helps that my new Fuji camera has been a joy to (learn to) shoot with.

Photography

Going to a DSLR from a pocket point and shoot a few years ago was a wonderful change. My lizard/frogs/bugs photos jumped up in quality significantly. Fall is coming up, and the bugs are starting to get more sparse, so I've been focusing more and more on birds. They're more difficult to work with though, as they're often any combination of pretty far away, very shy, move around a lot, or sticking to the shadows and thick leaves and branches. My 70mm lens isn't cutting it, so I'm gonna save money so in the spring, I can buy maybe a 400mm lens or something. I already have a bird/bug hunting strategy for if and when I do. From sunup to about ten, I'll have the bigger lens out for birds. Then from ten to early afternoon, when the birds become less active, I'll switch to the 70mm lens and turn my attention on the crawly guys.

iNaturalist has done me a lot of good this year, motivating me to get out more. I've learned a lot from it too and look forward to getting out and learning more the rest of this year and into next year.

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Life

I wanted to talk about other things tonight, but my heart isn't in it at the moment. I don't want to be all Facebook Melodramatic Cryptic Post or anything, but I don't want to go into detail about some hardships I'm working through. My burdens are my own to worry about and I'm trying my best as possible to be a level, positive voice on Hubski and in life in general. I'm having a tough year though, I'm ashamed to admit, and today was such a good day it really made me realize how much I've been struggling, for quite a while actually. I know I'll survive in the long run, cause I'm a never give up kind of guy and I'm blessed with some genuinely good people in my life, so don't worry too much. All that said, maybe if some of you are the praying type, as vulgar and selfish as it is for me to ask, throw one or two my way?

This week, I cheated. I asked my friend (let's call him Natthew, or "Natty", for short) to send me a pic, and he delivered:

(plz zoom)

Thanks, Natty!

So I've been in the mind section of the hospotal for a littel bit more than two weeks now. It feel like time i here is standing still while everyone else is moving on.

I have never wanted to stop time so much like I want now. Or fastforward.

But I can't. So instead I'm receiving a foster family and only God knows when.

And... I know I'll look back on this thinging it was har tiny Ronja, but you did it

But it is just SO HARD.

frankly, it's because it's not a great analogy, because it requires you to know a fair bit about not-from-concentrate orange juice.

To transport NFC juice, they have to take out all of the essential oils, etc. that will spoil in transport. Meaning, if you drank orange juice from the tanker truck, it wouldn't taste like much. Once it gets to wherever it's being bottled, they add all those essences, oils, etc back.

With me so far?

The cool/interesting thing about this, and sort of the thing that makes the analogy, is that these companies will modify what oils and essences they put back in to suit the tastes of that geographic area. Maybe Northern US cities prefer a sweeter orange juice, where in western Canada they prefer a more tangy orange juice. They can modify their mix to suit.

Interestingly, this came up in the news again just a few days ago and I didn't even know until i went looking for sources.

So the analogy makes sense, but only if you know about this one specific thing about NFC orange juice. That makes it probably a bad analogy.

Presenting: 8bit's Gauntlet of Craziness: If Only HIs Life Were This Interesting Even 1/4 of the Time!

That time I ALMOST MET ROBIN WILLIAMS, FUCK.

This is a short one. He was in Boulder for a show. I was at work when I got a call from my sister, who was with my family shopping at Pearl Street.

"Robin Williams was in the store just now!"

"Woah, what!? Did you get a picture with him and stuff?"

"...No...we didn't realize he was there the whole time we were at the store until he was already gone."

"..."

---

That time I found myself at the top floor of a skyscraper-party with a bunch of Saudi Royalty.

I used to go to the American International School of Riyadh.

"Woah 8bit, that sounds so interesting and different, I bet it was cool!"

Fucking. NO.

AISR was an absolute hell and Riyadh did nothing to help. It was ridiculously hot, I wasn't allowed to wear shorts, movie theaters are banned, women aren't allowed to drive. Beyond that, private schools and I don't mix. Literally the only positive note is that I literally melted all my baby fat at the school gym there.

SPEAKING OF.

The kids that went there were all ridiculously rich in comparison to my scholarship butt. Many of them were royalty, nephews and nieces and cousins of the King of Saudi. The rest were all children of CEOs, etc. These fuckers would fly to India on weekends and I wish I was making that shit up. A lot (most) of them were there for bragging rights that the parents could have at dinner parties. The teachers there were looking for a paycheck and not much else, and that reflected in their teaching style.

So anyways, I was invited by said royalty to a party at the top floor of a mall there. They found my quiet sarcasm cute, I think. They also didn't know I knew Arabic, which I used to my advantage to hear what they really thought of me. I'm like "sure why not, more interesting than literally anything else in this country."

Hit up the party. It had two bouncers at the front door.

What. The. Fu-

There is no crazy like real, repressed crazy. I know I talked about a party I went to here, but in all honestly, the one in Saudi trumps it in debauchery. I didn't count it because I was barely there before I left. In three words: Alcohol. Fountains. Everywhere.

I left the school a little afterwards. That shit was cray, to sum it up.

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That time I survived Digital Arts (might have told this one) and played tag in our high school at 12 AM.

There were six of us in Digital Arts. It was a cluster of stupidity. Our teacher was ridiculous. He didn't teach us a single thing. I self taught myself through two years of that class. We still talk about him to this day. We had an exam for DA that requires us to hold an exhibit for an examiner that flies in from Switzerland to check out our work. It was April-ish, and we all thought the exam would be three weeks after Spring Break. Which is what our teacher told us. "Take a break guys, you've been working hard!" No sweat, I can dig that. So I go to Disneyland and chill and it's awesome.

Come back from Spring Break. Teacher walks into the classroom.

"So, remember when I said the exam was three weeks from now? It's actually next week."

Fucking. WHAAAAAAAA-

So we have one week to make up three to four projects. Render said projects. Print them out, fix mistakes, then PRINT THEM AGAIN.

Well there was only one thing to it. A 48 hour marathon between the six of us at our highschool to churn this shit out.

I...honestly don't remember much from those 48 hours. I showered in our school gym's lockerroom and my mom brought everyone Chipotle, which is cool. There was a lot of giggling. Our teacher left us there at the 10 PM mark of the first day because, and I quote, "I have a wife and kids to go home to!", so we raided his candy drawer for the Freshmen and Sophomores. When we took breaks we watched Gurren Lagann and played tag in the school. It was hella dark, the emergency lights were the only things on, and a couple of sections were locked off. I distinctly remember running into a locker.

Good fun. We're all very close friends now. And we all passed! Wooh.

---

That time I got into a fight.

Alright, THIS little bitch in my highschool apparently thought I was trying to flirt with the girl he was dating. I'm not even going to try and explain that one. If you've read things I've written on this site, you will know that this will never happen in a million years. Cornered me on a staircase when the security guard wasn't looking, threatening me and trying to get me to fight him. I guess I should amend an 'almost' to that sentence, though. Because like shit I was gonna fight anybody over a girl I barely know, I've got better shit to do. Weirdo. Yeah, no. Anyways he backed off for whatever reason. The kid that was with me at the time told me I looked really bored, which I guess I was, and that probably threw him off. And that same kid decided to report it and the prick got a week's suspension. No effort, all reward. Cool.

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Bonus Story! 8bit, do you even people?

The hot girl from my 11th Grade Philosophy Class: "Hey 8bit, I need some help with my homework, do you mind coming over?"

Ugh Jesus, do I have to? Fiiiine.

Show up at hot girl's house. Completely empty. "Hey, my dad's at work and my mom's on a business trip, so the house is completely empty right now.

Uh, okay, why the hell does this even matter to me. "Okay, so where's the homework? You're straight up just lying on the couch, I thought you needed help."

"I know, but I thought we could just, you know...talk first."

"...Sure. How we talk about the Philosophy homework that you needed help with so badly?"

And that I helped that hot girl with her Philosophy homework so hard, she probably couldn't even sleep afterwards. You know how I do.

I try to forget that last one, but I like you, Hubski.

So, full disclosure, Halloween is my birthday. I think it's pretty great. I do have a costume. Please, bask in its glory. I wore this for the first time last night at a college party with people who are on average about 5 years younger than I am (or will be). I was nervous about wearing a ridiculous costume but I decided to own it.

After all, I was surrounded by sexy nurses, sexy cannibals, sexy-something-deads, Posh Spice, and I'm trying to recall what other girl costumes I saw...Can't. Wasn't taking enough notes. Guy costumes: Crayola crayon box (I felt a kinship with this guy and his big ridiculous costume), guy in suit with "law" written over it - get it?, ANOTHER BANANA!!!, guys in shirts and ties who I guess were supposed to be people, etc.

It was a crazy party and it was interesting to experience having guys walk up to the group of girls I was in and start hitting on, well, everyone but me. The other banana actually did try and hit on me. Surprisingly enough I also saw people who I knew independently of my sister, which was unexpected.

Anyway this is becoming more like a Pubski response than a Halloween response.

This year I'm celebrating starting Thursday night - going out with a guy I'm seeing and staying out til midnight, as he has standing other plans for the 31/1. On Friday I will help an old and dear friend move with the help of another old and dear friend. Later we are going to have a small and relaxed time, just the three of us, drinking and handing out candy at the other friend's house. We may also make JACK O'LANTERNS, cake, s'mores, and watch horror movies. I might have to have dinner with my parents at some point between moving, and drinking. Saturday I am going to a zombie party!!! I am going to cut out brown spots and tape them onto my banana costume.

I think Halloween's the greatest.

But I didn't really decorate the house this year. I want to make a pumpkin for my parents tonight just so they have something to put out. I will be helping decorate my friend's, if I can scrounge up my leftover Halloween stuff (if I didn't throw it out).

The short version of my craziest Halloween story is once I partied so hard for the entire month of October (used to celebrate birthday month; still kind of do but not on the same level) that I made myself collapsing-sick for the week afterwards, and actually had to cancel my own birthday party.

THE EDIT AT THE TOP

(This became a huge post and I'm sorry if it appears overwhelming but it really isn't! There are a lot of steps and if you find people to help it will become a lot easier. I just wanted to be as thorough as I could be on a Sunday night while I'm doing laundry and I really hope this is of benefit to you!)

It depends entirely on the scope of what you're trying to do. If you want to broadcast over the air, a structure similar to ours (that would be WITR) or WTBU would be a good start. If you're looking to start something that is internet streaming only, then I would recommend a structure similar to RadioUTD, down in Dallas. That should really be where you start: Do you want this to become something that will have to ultimately be regulated by a Telecommunication Commission, but also be of a much larger scope and visibility, or streaming only which will be much easier to setup and will face a lot less scrutiny.

THE TECHNOLOGY (For streaming purposes only)

1. An audio stream and a server (for our streaming we use icecast so I'm going to link you to this article). You'll probably want a dedicated computer and server to host all of this, so that you won't have it turned off all of the time. Honestly, if you read that article and this one it will give you a pretty good idea on that end.

2. Want to play music and make it convenient for people? Automation and a digital library is a great, great thing. That's where something like the Rivendell Project comes into play. If you have a bunch of great CDs, and want other people to be able to play it, you can rip them to whatever directory you have set up and then import them into the program. From there, it's as simple as a search to get them playing. Any software like that is a powerful tool. You can also prerecord a show using Rivendell and have it set to play at a specific time, which is a great way to fill time.

3. Royalties. I have no idea how the royalty system works in Canada, so that's something you'll want to look into. I highly suspect you're going to end up having to pay some company a good chunk of money on a yearly basis to be able to play music. The nice part about streaming is that you won't need a license, which you will the second you decide to broadcast over the airwaves.

4. If you're interested in doing a broadcast, let me know and I can try my hand at explaining that too. You'll need a lot more money and equipment to do that.

THE PURPOSE (Or: I went through the tech side of things first because I go to a tech school).

1. Now what? You've got all this fancy stuff to make an online stream possible, some people interested and willing to help, etc. I'd start thinking about a mission statement now, and also branding (more to come on that later!).

2. Formatting! What do you admire in radio? Here's the part where, as thenewgreen mentions, listening to radio comes into play. I strongly recommend doing that. Our station (back to WITR...oh no...): We have a general daytime format called The Pulse of Music where no matter who is on it's going to be a similar, Indie Rock, themed show. The stylings will range from electro-pop heavy to garage-rock heavy but in the end, you know what you're hearing. We do specialty shows at night and on weekends, which are shows devoted to a single genre of music. Now, a college like WTBU? They do things differently and it works for them. It really depends on what you like.

3. The above two things tie in to this: what demographic are you targeting? It's a college station, so chances are the local college students. It's your (and whoever elses) job to appeal to your demographic while maintaining the integrity of the station. Basically what I'm saying is don't ever sell out to iheartradio.

THE PEOPLE (or: be friendly, be outgoing, and surround yourself with ambitious people)

1. People. You're going to need them. Probably lots of them, and you're going to want them to buy into this awesome opportunity to start a station. Know how many people do that? Not many, that's how many. I would be shocked if you can't find people who aren't passionate about music and would love to be involved with radio. Know any music related groups at your university, because I'm sure you can find people there that would love to help out.

2. A minimum number of people is hard, but if you want to fill a lot of time you're going to need a lot of DJs or have long shows - and a system of standards and training to make sure everybody is up to par. You want to have a high level of quality before you start letting people go out and doing whatever, and that involves the stuff with setting a format and ensuring that it's being followed and having people to enforce that (see: the contact pages I linked to way above).

3. People within your university. They'll probably be interested to hear about this, since it will be representing the university in some form and also the community at large. Due to this, some will probably be very happy to help. We have 1 and sometimes 2 advisers, along with 1 technical consultant for when things go wrong with our tech. The advisers can help with tons of things regarding logistics for events, a space to host whatever equipment you may need, recruitment and publicity, so on and so forth which leads us into...

MARKETING (or, why people should care).

1. You have a station set up, with DJs who are trained and care about what they're doing, but that doesn't mean people are going to listen or know about it. Market hard, yo. Brand yourself, and set up branding and cultural guidelines. Know what else this is good for? Helping with transitional periods after the old guards graduate.

2. Branding: You'll want some sort of a slogan, you'll want a name for your station, and you'll want a logo for it. Google any number of radio stations and you'll find that they're all different. From there, you'll want to find some sort of consistency for all of your marketing. Avenues include but are not limited to posters, promos in local publications, using your own station to promote yourself, reaching out to other community organizations and working them for a mutual benefit, etc.

3. A website is a great thing to have and you'll need one. Yell at insomniasexx about that. I'm actually hoping to hire a new webmaster for us sometime this week or next, to embark on a complete overhaul of our website and bring us up to snuff with a lot of great stations such as KCRW (seriously ghostoffuffle, this site is killer).

4. Events! Get yourself out there at concerts, musical events on campus, whatever else might tickle your fancy. We do a ton of events ranging from providing music for other groups to putting on concerts to having a presence at local art galleries.

5. Fundraising! You're going to need money to sustain an operation no matter what you do. This is what I've spent years doing at this point, and there's no easy way to do it. The best bet is time, and building up a loyal audience.

THE PAPERWORK (the...most...fun part?)

1. OH HEY DON'T FORGET ABOUT ALL THIS BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY SUPER IMPORTANT. But yeah, you're going to want to establish policies and procedures, bylaws, and all of that stuff since, you know, this hopefully won't be a one year and done thing. It's something that will likely be a lasting organization and will have an impact on the university around you, maybe not at first, but at some point in the future. This is an aspect where an adviser or working with an internal legal department is very, very helpful.

Just to be clear, you are talking about forgiving yourself for past behaviour, not forgiving others for wrongs done to you.

You ask some good questions B_C and it's nice to see you in this space again.

It reminds me a little of Step 9 of AA's 12-step program that involves making amends to others and understanding that making amends is not exactly the same as asking for forgiveness. It's also about showing intention to do no further wrong.

(Mind you, I'm not an AA expert. There's lots to learn from AA programs and writings on line, and they offer some answers to your question: "What does it mean to forgive?")

You say

but I've really done some nasty stuff that has hurt a lot of people, including those nearest to me.

If those people still love you, perhaps they are waiting to hear from you. It seems to me that it would be hard to sincerely forgive yourself without first acknowledging to the other people an awareness of the pain you caused them and a realization that they may no longer trust you.

Your hope is that they will one day see that you have changed direction and are worthy of their love and trust.

What does it really mean to forgive yourself?

I'm not sure we ever really can or should totally forgive ourselves. But I think we can and should acknowledge wrongs done and take a new path.

Edit: We forgive ourselves by realizing that when the wrongs were done, we were the person we were. We had the needs, the pain, the awareness that we had. Now we are addressing our past deficits. We may not totally forgive ourselves, but we accept our past self, a self reacting to everything we faced; and move towards our reconstructed self, a self that considers choices before reacting.

I'm not sure if that is as clear as I'd like it to be. May edit again.

Sentence yourself to some kind of community service as a way of showing the sincerity of your new path.

How does that change your relationship with yourself?

It depends on what one's current relationship is with one's self. What is it like now? Do you give yourself a LOT of leeway? Do you make a million excuses for yourself? Would you trust you?