So some of you may remember I started teacher training in September and I thought my first few weeks went well... But then I kinda disappeared from Hubski for a bit. The truth is I found it tough, really tough, after giving several lessons that I felt were awful my depression and anxiety reached a peak and I realised I needed to get out and sort myself out.
In October I got myself signed off work and started to tackle my depression with professional help. One of my problems has always been that when I'm happy I minimise how awful I felt before, thinking that it was "just a case of the Mondays". This is one of the more tenacious aspects of depression, combined with feeling like a burden to others, it makes seeking and accepting help feel insurmountable.
All I can say is I am so, so glad that I took the first step to getting help. From there it has been easier to talk about, everyone has been so supportive and I'm definitely in a better place now. I've still struggled with completing tasks that are causing me anxiety, and that in turn causes more anxiety, but I've just yesterday resolved some of them so now it looks like I will be all set to return to my course in September.
I've gone back and forth for months on whether I wanted to continue or not, I'm still not out of the woods so it's been awful trying to get to a decision but I'm happy with what I've decided and really feel like I'm enjoying life again.
As someone whose life has been run by depression from a family with a bodycount of 2 from depression: My advice to you is this: Welcome to the woods. You've been in them your entire life, and you will never leave them. The woods have always been your constant companion and for as long as you draw breath they shall be all around you. But this is no tragedy. Woods have their own beauty and millions of species of forest creatures would die without them. Recognize that you are a creature of the glade and that you can lead an ecstatic life while fully surrounded by pine boughs. The trick is in recognizing the power you have, the power you don't, and the allowances you must make for yourself because your biome is not a sunny beach. I love cedars. They're the most beautiful tree that grows up here. They're always surrounded by other trees, though - you rarely see a cedar that chooses to live out on a grassy knoll. Welcome back. I'm still not out of the woods so it's been awful trying to get to a decision
This is awesome and you are awesome. It's really hard to admit you need help but once you do get back into the swing of things, you're going to be so grateful. My sophomore year of college I took a hard look at whether or not it was normal to go back to my room after every class and sob hysterically about how I'm an utter failure and will never do anything of value for an hour. I concluded that it was not, started on SSRIs, and have never looked back. It's super corny and I hate it when NT people suggest it, but I also took a semester of yoga and meditation classes and that really helped a lot as well. Three part breathing is really good for working through times of high anxiety.