What is your attachment style Hubski?
- Attachment in adults deals with the theory of attachment in adult romantic relationships.
Attachment theory, initially studied in the 1960s and '70s primarily in the context of children and parents, was extended to adult romantic relationships in the late 1980s. Four main styles of attachment have been identified in adults:
secure anxious–preoccupied dismissive–avoidant fearful–avoidant Investigators have explored the organization and the stability of mental working models that underlie these attachment styles. They have also explored how attachment impacts relationship outcomes and how attachment functions in relationship dynamics.
A bit about the 4 styles:
Secure
Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me." This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions with relationship partners. Securely attached people tend to have positive views of themselves and their partners. They also tend to have positive views of their relationships. Often they report greater satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Securely attached people feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence. Many seek to balance intimacy and independence in their relationship.
Secure attachment and adaptive functioning are promoted by a caregiver who is emotionally available and appropriately responsive to his or her child’s attachment behavior, as well as capable of regulating both his or her positive and negative emotions. [10]
Insecure
Anxious–preoccupied
People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like", and "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.
Dismissive
People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships", "It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient", and "I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).
Fearful
People with losses or sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence often develop this type of attachment[11] and tend to agree with the following statements: "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others." People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don't trust the intentions of their partners. Similar to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Instead, they are much less comfortable expressing affection.|
from Wikipedia
Pick the most true one and move on, scaredy cat.
I started the test, but the questions asked were not the questions that I needed to answer. Here's the questions on my attachment style quiz: 1. I find it relatively easy to get close to my partner, given his capacity for closeness. 2. It makes me self-reliant when I get a style of affection and support that I don't need from my partner. 3. I no longer worry that my partner hasn't got a clue how to figure out how to express love for me. 4. I don't feel comfortable opening up to romantic partners who are highly committed but completely preoccupied. 5. When my partner is out of sight, I hope that he or she is interested in someone else. I need some time to myself. and so on.... ha ha ha
Apparently I'm in the realm of 'secure' I'm confident that getting into this zone has been a direct result of my marriage and the relationship my wife and I have built. Many things in life give make me anxious and can cause me to just shut down, but my relationship with my wife is not one of them.
Yes, I would assume that for people who are happily married that this questionnaire is as much a reflection of their spouse as it is of the person answering the questions. You may be comfortable being close with this one person, but that doesn't mean you're generally an easy nut to crack. Seems to be a self-affirming test, rather than an insightful guide to your own personality.
Very true, as I am a more anxious and avoiding person in contexts other than my marriage.
Yeah, you've got a good thing going pal. You two seem genuinely awesome together. Well done!
Sidebar: TNG, I am usually not interested in and skeptical of personality tests and the like. I am maintaining some skepticism even of this. However, reading about my attachment style this afternoon has yielded some really interesting, potentially useful information. I'm not saying I'm going to change who I am or how I attach to people, certainly not completely - but I am saying that reading about this stuff has helped me feel as if, if I wanted to, I would be able to successfully communicate about some of my general negative relationship tendencies to someone who I cared about enough to want to make things work with. I would be able to recognize potential mis-steps and pitfalls and avoid or skirt them. It is the difference between following a narrow path to somewhere; and some fog lifting, cross-roads becoming apparent, and even maybe now and then road signs. While I am still on the same path, now maybe I have a more complete map. Also if KB is reading this and going "ATTACHMENT TYPES ARE SHIT POP PSYCHOLOGY" please c'mon in and pop my bubble now. :) Before I actually start trying to use this map or some shit. :D This badge is fully deserved. I'm not saying this is life-changing but it is elucidating and it is helpful. Way more than I expected when I clicked the link and took the test just because eye roll why not.
FWIW, I totally think you are worthy. But that's probably just like, you know... my way of trying to be emotionally close to you in a really, like... needy way to compensate for the attention I never received from my parents as an infant.
from Hubskina: 8bit, you're channeling my attachment style in Hubskina, possibly not even consciously. :) I second TNG. You are worthy and of value. Apparently we both have shitty attachment styles - which, true to form, I don't really mind - but a) I did a lot of reading and it doesn't mean we can't overcome them if we want to/decide it's worth it, and b) you don't have to be a fully functional 100% psychologically healthy human being in order to be worth a fig. You truly truly don't.“We’re not sure just yet,” Ref said, her face buried in her pillow, completely out of fucks to give.
“Hey!” Ref cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted. “Maybe they got put on Mute Island because nobody wants to talk to them! Did you think of that one, genius?”
if we want to/decide it's worth it
I've decided that, for me, it is worth it.
And fwiw, tng, I'm going to apply what information I've gleaned from this going forward in my interactions with the bartender. I'm not saying it's love - ha! - but I am saying, hey, maybe I will try some of these cross roads. Maybe I can sidestep some ditches. I don't see it as attempting to fundamentally change my attachment style, but perhaps attempting to manage it more effectively.
That's great, I'm glad this had an impact on you. Whether or not it's hogwash, and for the record I don't think that it is, it has made us take a close look at ourselves. I think a good amount of self-inspection is healthy stuff. Knowing yourself is a good thing. Good luck in general and more specifically, with that bartender.
Maybe I'm uhhh*... maybe the blue dot is like an asterisk, and there's a footnote somewhere. I'm in stupid stupid love. And I love people in general.
*a cocky asshole?
Why don't we do it in the middle of the road?
Low anxiety high avoidance. Some of the questions were annoying though because they kept insisting on asking how I acted around my partner and well fuck I don't have one and haven't had someone I would consider a partner in quite some time. I substituted with, I guess, the last people I was sexually close with/kind of dating. Shit like this: "I often wish that my partner's feelings for me were as strong as my feelings for him or her." Like, I don't know, that requires a person who romantically cares about me whom I also romantically care about, on a deep kind of level, you know? But I guesstimated. Most of the time I was able to predict my response/feelings though "Dismissing" I don't know as anyone here will disagree with this, trilly. I guess I found my afternoon's reading. What is YOURS tng?Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the dismissing region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that dismissing people tend to prefer their own autonomy--oftentimes at the expense of their close relationships. Although dismissing people often have high self-confidence, they sometimes come across as hostile or competitive by others, and this often interferes with their close relationships.
attachment-related anxiety score is 2.67
Your attachment-related avoidance score is 5.56
I'm a mess ;) Apparently I didn't get enough hugs and therefore crave hugs. I'm Anxious Preoccupied. What do you do when you crave emotional feedback from people? You help create a discussion community.
I think that it's accurate that I had to learn not to trust my parents growing up. This is like, hella accurate (describing me as the dumper) Now I am wondering if my habit of beginning to reveal Terrible Secrets About Myself to people as we begin to get involved is a part of this attachment style - or is it honesty? I have always felt I am trying to be honest about who I am when I tell partners things about my past that I feel would alter their opinion of me. I have always felt I would rather have them know now, than be unpleasantly surprised later. Another article says that this attachment type inevitably finds themselves disappointed with their partners and so ends things. This is true for me. I often feel that no one can live up to all my expectations in the long-term - inevitably, eventually, I am disappointed. I realize these expectations aren't always reasonable and - gee let me stretch my memory - I honestly try to suppress the unreasonable ones, but I think the other half of it is that I don't discuss the disappointments or expectations with my partners. Like instead of saying "Hey you haven't had a job and you've sat on the couch and smoked weed every day for a month now, can we work on this?" I will say "You're not doing anything to help yourself? I'm out." I'm not interested in mothering a partner and unfortunately I know several couples that have that dynamic so I'm sure my adversity to it is reinforced. I want someone who is a motivated self-starter with their own goals who makes motions towards achieving them. That is what I find impressive. That's what I admire. Sigh. All of these are interesting things to think about. I think I'm more emotionally aware than the average bear but I don't like talking about it at all. My bartender the other day was talking - kind of about what kind of a relationship would be nice - he was saying it would be nice to have someone you could just chill out with, and talk to, and have a good time with. I had had three drinks by this point, and it was only then that I was willing to say - and speaking slowly to carefully phrase my words - "It would be nice to have someone" [pause] "to hang out with." Woo hoo emotional disclosure lol. kleinbl00 we've unlocked the secrets to my beingoften the first clue the about-to-be-dumped have that something is wrong is the avoidant’s move to break up with them
I got strangely equal marks in both dimensions, landing me exactly on the line. Makes me feel super-level headed, although there were various times where I could totally relate to the fears being proposed in the questions. I found myself often wondering if the question was asking if I felt this way NOW or if I had ever felt that way about relationships. I think I would get a very different result if I had answered exclusively according to the latter.
Anxious Preoccupied, though the graph indicates mostly just preoccupied and mildly anxious. I know from being inside my head how anxious I am, and I went with "Neither nor" answers most of the time since, having only been out since January and since I'm living in Ultra Red and am already infatuated with someone, haven't been in an actual relationship. Taking three hours to fall asleep = high anxiety.
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.
the problem with infatuation is that that person and that relationship is almost guaranteed to disappoint you because it will not live up to the expectations you have.
We are just about right next to each other, only I'm on the fearful-avoidant side. Which doesn't sound quite right.