Today is my 25th birthday!!!

I have to preface this with- I usually clean up and reorganize behaviors and patterns around this time of the year. Also. The implications that my situation is stable right now is in fact minutely understood by many parties in my life, including myself. No matter how many nice things or properties that are accumulated-

If the attention isn't there, then it can wither and disappear.

I don't have much to say at the current moment as this is the most free time I will and have had for others in quite a bit since the holidays have started.

I just got back from the beach.

While I was out of my home town, I reached out to some old friends. I felt the need to make amends.

I considered it a project for a bit, actually.

In my head, I built up all these different requirements and price points until I could make up for the fact of ditching my old life and chasing the addiction of "more."

I picked that up from a person from a hall.

I don't talk about the programs I am in, in here, and I wish I could, but I always get worried about what is considered okay and not okay around this space and others.

But I have learned more about myself from it.

I am making it a point to get an actual therapist again.

But, most importantly, when I reached out to my old friends- I found out that they are actually in my home town and around where I reside.

Not only that, but I told them I am an alcoholic and that I am sorry for... well... 4 years is quite a long time.

I almost put off talking to y'all here too- but I felt otherwise when I saw an AA posting on here.

I think that this alcove of people makes me feel safe.

I've picked up reading a book.

It's Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules For Life.

Do you know what a bodhe tree is?

I really should take a picture of my tree.

My Sacred Fig named Assantha.

The poor thing has been part of my attempt at gardening. It started with leaves and about 3-5 fruit.

Unfortunately, it has been subjected to the winds and frigid temperatures much further north than it was picked up from.

In fact, it is in a pot and ready to be moved if I move.

And I believe that my fiance and I will be this year.

Also, on a tangent, I discovered a man who wore a wooden bodhe necklace and it was a couple generations from the original tree that supposedly Buddha was Enlightened under.

Lastly, I am also starting to pick back up on writing.

It's been cumbersome, but I have been really accumulating a body of work on my devices.

I'm also marking up anything I feel like I I too-

Books, stray papers, journals, moleskines, composition books, whiteboards...

Which is good.

That means I can really dig down deep and get something fun from it.

I'm for structured project posts this year!

But I do have to go for now.

Feel free to reach out- I'm very excited to share pictures of my projects, but it is what it is and I do need to get to sleep.

Cheers!

I've gotten sick.

My fiancee calls it the winter sick.

My projects further down the line are in R&D.

I've been giving a lot of names and numbers to my band member and we're keeping in touch, but for now it is just about getting more music and really honing in on tracks.

The album name still needs to be registered, but I finally have a fucking stage name.

In case you are wondering, it took a full year to come up with.

I have been making a "time machine manual" that I copy notes into and draw. It's a lovely little moleskin.

It's a lot of organizing and cleaning around this time.

I'm definitely not working as hard as I should.

Thanks for the boot!

Hello.

I'm just starting to warm up to the idea of being sober and being okay.

The year 2010, I started the year preparing for 10th grade and turning 15. Unfortunately, I learned my sister got sick a few weeks after I turned 15.

I also started drinking when I was 15.

It's kind of a weird thing to be proud of.

I haven't had a decade long "drinking career."

I remember a lot of the past decade, but many people don't need to know every detail of my story.

I had to unlearn guilt for my sister getting sick.

I hitchhiked (like the 70s) to my friends at uni.

I had to move to Texas, go down a spiral or two, and then replant in my home town.

I went down so many different rabbit holes trying to set up a life I wanted to feel fulfilled in.

And when I threw away all the scraps of it again, for one more chance at feeling important, I found a man I felt I could respect, care, and love for.

Well, he says he found me.

It's just nice to have someone not only in my corner, but also not thinking I am nuts.

Drinking made me nuts.

And the more I read about that and other things I got- it became really apparent that my parents do care about me and so does everyone else.

But I'm still unlearning guilt about that.

Cheers.

I hitchhiked there before.

I was a kid back then, before the kicks.

Good luck!

Maybe next time!

Currently in SoCal.

It really is a really, really good word.

I love leaving words to a person's imagination.

Almost like when we were children and still trying to grapple what adults are talking about.

I'm waiting until after the New Year's. :)

Lots of love!!!

A (WIP) update for now:

Lots of organizing. Digital and real.

re-creating some invention stuff.

Some drafts for the AA Central Office.

I've got a painting in mind.

Working for an invention company starting Jan.

Sobriety. It is a constant work in progress for me.

Poetry being turned into music!!! Good news!!!

I am able to actually meet a deadline for music!!!

Thx for the tag, kingmudsy!

Favorite new find of the week.

https://venturebeat.com/2019/12/08/aws-sagemakers-new-machine-learning-ide-isnt-ready-to-win-over-data-scientists/amp/

That's all I will drop as a hint for now.

I went on a reprieve for a while, which is why I wasn't online at all. I'm not doing this without my fiancee again.

Next week marks a year of us being together.

We have decided on a boat wedding.

It is lovely.

I have taken a break from everything and the massive overhaul wasn't easy. I have also taken it upon myself to quit smoking all together for 2 weeks. I have since backtracked, but at least I know I can now do it.

I am hoping to attend one class before the year ends.

I know what I want to do. It's nice.

I've managed to actually make computer books interesting again. I've managed to make the last medication I was on an allergy for me.

It's mindblowing. I've never felt this compassionate towards my partner before.

I would tell people.... you know that feeling when you love someone, but don't like them?

There was a reason I didn't like myself to the point of wanting to burn out, only less than 2 years ago.

Sure, I had an ego. Loved myself so much in a way that only the sympathetic ear and loving touch of a creator can understand. Many people told me to write a book.

But I had wanted to fundamentally fix myself before making something for others to consume again.

I used to get a lot of scathing accounts from others in the past. I would hear a lot worse before my life started over. Using people- especially in relationships- why, that is probably why I disliked myself. It actually took a lot of visits to the hospital, lots of therapy, and lots of drugs for comprehension to set back shop.

I lost a lot in it due to grief.

That being said, I consider myself a different person today. The woman my fiancee knows of today is a much kinder, genuine soul. I'm lucky to have learned how serious my addictions truly changed me over the years. I am lucky to have had the ability to record and perform, regardless of how anyone else has felt about it. Above all else, I am glad that the idea of ego being a privilege and something to be cultivated, carefully, is what I needed to focus on before going on to the next chapter of my life.

For now, I say Happy Holiday seasonal tidings!

I will be quite busy over the next couple of weeks, but I thought to check in.

Thank you all for being here and always being a nice part of the internet (y'all are on my homepage.)

A Collection of Short Stories comprised of Jorge Luis Borges would be one of my first choices as well.

Labyrinths in particular was what impacted me the most.

We need more falconers.

I said yes to the engagement ring and it looks like I might have a nice one soon before I get married.

We've been having a band the size of my finger around a chain on his neck.

It's coming up on a year and he said he would marry me at the end of it. I am excited, to say the least.

Good witching hour.

It is Friday the 13th.

The next full moon will be 2049 at this occurence.

I am reminiscing of my grandfather.

My grandfather passed away 4 years ago.

I had spent the last 2 years before he passed, not by his side, and the last I saw his face was on his death bed with tears of joy seeing me.

My grandfather was a strong ww2 veteran who is buried at the top of the hill with his wife, dead of cancer, who died a year before I was born.

He contributed to the community he moved to and called home. He set up in the farmlands outside of Los Angeles, at the time, only for me to see it become the 3rd biggest city in California.

I do not know my grandfather's stories from him.

I do not remember talking to him or when I was younger.

What I remember is summers at the beach in the warm sunlight- for he retired north by Santa Barbara.

I remember the chess games in Marie Callender's, watching Pinocchio and The Little Mermaid and Aladdin, and growing up solemn with the only happiness being to see what my grandfather wanted to show through paintings and books.

I loved that man more deeply than I love my father, I regret to admit. I do not understand how to explain how I believe in the reincarnation of souls and living memory, but this wells up in me as I think to go into new territory, hopefully, just like he did.

I lost my grandfather to dementia, I thought, but he still cried the last time he saw me.

I want to carry his spirit into my elder years.

I feel like, after about 4 years of serious alcoholic abuse, I am finally starting to realize the depth of his kindness and glory and service.

I also got sick while I was gone. Thank you for not logging me out and getting rid of my account.

This place has been a harbour for me and I truly yearn for deep connections on here, but I am very afraid and not as brazen as I was in my youth.

I find out more results on Tuesday.

I hope your 13th is filled with horrow-shows and exploration of the supernatural.

Unspammed.

Not yet. All will be released next year.

Depends on what I feel like.

I draw a lot of influence from the blues.

I am living in a hotel for a couple months.

I am recording.

As of right now, I am planning to release CDs next year.

Those that know me, get them free.

So. I am recording separate material just for the fun of it.

I'm enjoying my life.

Thanks for listening:)

Congratulations to everyone!

Hello,

My name is Anonymous and I am an alcoholic.

I go by darlinareyousleepy here and I am 24 f.

I live in the Golden State and I live for the Green Rush and I am an adventurer at heart.

Sometimes I miss messages just because my life gets a bit chaotic.

I have been writing since childhood and I make music.

Most of my friends are anonymous now.

I don't like to walk outside my door without someone with me.

I don't like to walk anywhere without at least 20 in my pocket.

Bragging is how I made it a while back when I was offline and now I am relaxing and just coasting until I have enough saved up for my next venture.

Cannabis and its cannabinoids have saved me from strong prescriptions and diving into the bottle again.

I am a strong proponent of guns and of weed.

I am a strong proponent of computers and nuclear.

I am a strong proponent of sex and regulation of it.

I like manufactured reality and the next couple decades will be my goal to help the next generations stay this comfortable.

I don't condone politics. I adhere to a lot of spiritual rules and bylines. I avoid dairy and meat as much as I can.

My past time is spent soaking in this reality.

I don't miss much outside of the gastric scrap yard in my atmosphere, but I do get an urge to do things in unpopulated, unpolluted environments and look at the stars.

I wish I wasn't mentally ill. But I am.

Not only that, I am the first one in my line with it.

It is a bit scary and I hope that I seem sane on here.

But I don't know what sanity is anymore sometimes.

I hope that, one day, humans will be able to figure out how the brain and neural system work.

What would you like to know about me?

Living out of a hotel right now.

I will be participating more.

I have been writing music.

I have been writing essays of thought.

I have been putting together a business plan.

The book I have been reading has been dull, but short.

I have been designing a wedding dress though. c:

Distribution sounds nice.

Cleave is a fun one to say.

Sparsile is a personal favorite.

Hotel living at the moment.

I moved into the house last night.

I might be going to Vegas today.

I am looking for a really nice, expensive restaurant in Los Angeles to celebrate a new business venture.

Ideas?

I quit my job at a call center.

Hated scamming businesses.

Going to travel to Cape Cod next month.

Thank you!

תודה

Tomorrow I will be 1 year sober.