I came on here at 3 in the morning with a blistering, peeling, agonizing no. There was this friend I had that I swear was a soul mate, but it went down an inevitable road when I had to choose between helping my family or her. I could have, should have, would have handled it better. I went down a road of self-destruction after our fight. I tried calling again this year, but it ended on the same note. Now more than half of my friends are off at universities or not talking to me. I need goals, but I can't find anything I burn for anymore. Writing feelings, creating things now makes me cry. After a year of this, shouldn't it heal over? Why am I dressed in an old performance costume, crying, and trying to get a grip? It never hurt this much when I lost my friend in a car accident. I can understand death. Why are these tides of life so tireless? The waves only ingrain the feeling deeper and cause me to wonder why I'm giving my soul become so littered. There's either moments where I think of only how I could get hurt or there's an outpouring of personal emotions. It's unhealthy. I don't even know how to strengthen my current friendships much less create new ones. I just want to scream and break things and tell my business degree to go to hell and feel alive again!
"I just want to scream and break things and tell my business degree to go to hell and feel alive again!" You're not apathetic, which is a good thing. I'm not sure to what extent your hurt is, but I think you'd benefit from finding new outlets to pour out some energy. If writing and creating hurts, then try some exercise or playing music (not writing or composing, just literally bashing things to a slight rhythm or even any kind of structure or non-structure that is pleasing to your ear and heart). You chose an admirable route by helping your family and prioritizing them over yourself. You don't sound very selfish, so I won't doubt you'll find true friends at some point. Honestly though, half your friends may not be talking to you because university can be INCREDIBLY BUSY even in the down time and it's hard to keep in touch with friends from home. Or maybe some of them aren't the kind of friends you want. Just hang on bud.
Thanks. I completely understand that my university friends are busy. However, times get incredibly lonely when you feel like there is no where to turn to. Thanks for reminding me about the variety of outlets. I didn't mean to have that out pour, but I am glad to hear your reassuring words. Thanks dude.