thx ref. I'll answer this gradually. When I was 19, I wrote in my journal, "I want a man who will leave me alone." It doesn't sound very romantic, but it does sound a lot like what onehunna is talking about. -- Of course I want a lot more than that, but being left alone and what that means will take more time than I have at the moment.
I've never found a girl who would "leave me alone." I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts in this thread for some reason, but that (though it sounds somewhat insulting) is actually a very important part of a relationship to me. So how universal is this, I wonder?
I need to frame being "left alone" in a more positive way because being left alone in the way I mean it is so respectful, generous, and romantic. You've probably heard the word "assertiveness" and understand that it involves putting one's ideas forward. When I teach assertiveness, I pair it with assertively listening -- that is valuing the other person's assertions as equal to your own and drawing them out into fullness -- so that the other person's disagreement with you can be fully expressed. When I said at 19 that I wanted a partner who would leave me alone, I meant that I wanted a partner in whose presence I could find myself - When one's partner's personality barrages another, even the empty rooms of the relationship feel crowded. It's hard to glow when one is barraged. But we humans can be needy and sulky. We can be controlling and insecure. We can just be young and foolish. All these lead to a barraging personality. more to say...
I think I understand, but I meant it perhaps a tad more literally -- I like being in relationships where if we don't talk for 24 hours, it's not earth-shattering. Am I going to make an effort to interact in some way every day? Of course. If I don't or can't for some reason, it better not be an issue. That's sort of what I meant, but again it's hard to make it seem non-insulting or cavalier. And I know what you mean about relationships needing to have room for both personalities.
I left independence out of my list because frankly, I didn't think about it. But I agree with your assertion that it's necessary - SO necessary. I left my last long-term relationship because I felt like I was suffocating. Since then I've sometimes wondered if I am "too independent" for a relationship. I like not answering to anyone, not having to let anyone know what I'm doing or where I'm going if I feel like it. I like having time alone and not having to explain to anyone why I need time alone. I like being able to go out as much as I want to without feeling like someone else is going to give me trouble for it. If I were to feel like I didn't have those things, especially at the start of a relationship (where I feel you don't know each other well and shouldn't be spending too much time together, really) I think I would leave the relationship. Or end the dating. Right now, the main person I'm kind-of-dating - we've gone out five times in probably the past four months, and we've both bailed on each other when we haven't felt up to hanging out for whatever reason (I was sad one time, he had family stuff come up, stuff like that). I really like that we have that kind of comfort level - I can bail on you and you can bail on me and we can both understand it's not personal and we still like each other - and I hope (to a reasonable extent) it stays that way. Of course I'm not saying I want to be bailed on all the time...but sometimes, you set up plans, and then realize that's not really what you feel like doing that day after all. I like having that flexibility.