Miscommunications and misunderstandings are so common, it's amazing when we do feel heard and understood by another human. I ask for clarification a lot. What do you do to reduce misunderstandings?
Communication is such an important part of life, and you're right it is amazing that we have personal relationships that don't fall to pieces, especially across the gender line. I'm often curious as to why my wife asked my opinion on things like what she should wear, where we should eat et cetera. Her: Where should we eat?
Me: I'm up for anything.
Her: Please just pick somewhere.
Me: At this point I will name four different restaurants of different varieties
Her: No, none of those sound good how about "X"? It's obvious to me that she had "X" in mind the entire time, why don't you start out there? I can't figure it out, but I continue to play along.
2. maybe also she wanted to see more what "I'm up for anything" meant. When you open-heartedly suggested four different restaurants she could see that you were truly up for anything and gave her the confidence to suggest X. 3. eating out carries all kinds of cultural baggage: guilt (I should be cooking); energy level (he might be too tired); financial issues (I'm being extravagant) etc etc etc -- the conversation described above allows for some of the unconsious tension and fear of rejection to dissipate.It's obvious to me that she had "X" in mind the entire time, why don't you start out there?
1. maybe not though -- maybe hearing your four suggestions helped her realize/remember X.
My wife will does the exact same thing! I first noticed it when she asked my opinion on what to name the plant she received as a gift. I said Frank, to which she replied, "No, I think Fred". I'm not sure why she does it and when I asked her about it she wasn't entirely sure why does it either. I think it's just that she wants to know that I care enough about things in our life to have an opinion on them.
Part of my New Years resolution to be a better father/ husband. I figure if I surprise her with something every day (in a positive way) ill be off to a good start.. I think it's just that she wants to know that I care enough about things in our life to have an opinion on them.
I think you're onto something here, my wife refers to it as "participating". I think it's her way of making sure I am present and engaged in what we are doing. Something I'm always striving to be better at. Speaking of which, she's just pulling up the drive and I've made her this:
Wow, that looks amazing! Tofu? And kale? Super yummy, I bet. That's a great resolution, one that will reap many rewards for all parties involved.
My wife has this thing where she will say one thing and mean the opposite, such as, "I want you to turn left" when she means right. To compensate for this we've developed a habit of pointing so that there is no ambiguity. Also, one of the things we learned at premarital counseling as well was that we shouldn't be afraid to ask each other things more than once.
Good point. Whenever someone says "How many times do I have to tell you?" or "I've told you this three times." -- it is certain to make everything worse. Clearly if you had to tell me three times, you don't have my attention, you are not saying it in a way I understand, or maybe I can't learn and remember the way you are telling. Perhaps I'll write more on that sometime. thx
What I love about your story, lil, is the whole idea of care-taking, in both physical/emotional/spiritual/sexual life as well as in the words we choose. It just works on so many levels, and I was so delighted to catch what you did there. I live in New Mexico, and for most of my time here I lived in a tiny town where 90 percent of the population was of Spanish descent. The Spanish spoken in town is ancient, in fact the only place on the entire planet where the original Castilian is still used. This is the Spanish I learned and love. Now that I live in the Big City, I'm around folks who speak Latin American Spanish. It's a little different. The same words carry different connotations, different imagery. I can say something up in Northeastern NM and get a good belly laugh from my audience, but the same, very same, words here would get me a shocked silence. In relationships, there is a dance that must be undertaken. A difficult dance, a tango, perhaps, with dips and twirls, and if you don't feel the pulse of your partner's intention, you will step on his feet and hurt him, or you will fall to the ground when he fails to catch you, hurting yourself. The language is never truly the language. It is always a sheet being folded between two people.
Yes, a really big sheet, that requires many folds before we can put it on the shelf. As b_b says above, we can work on our writing so that it is clear and unambiguous. Spoken language is different. Most of the time, words just fall out of our mouth, and regardless of what we think we are saying, listeners get 90% of the meaning from non-verbal messages that are present in the tone, the body language, and facial expressions.
I enjoyed this part, since it was just so relatable. It really made the point of the article.When he got on a bus, he asked to be taken to the Kookety Koo. When the bus driver looked confused, he tried koodely doo, and kootchety coo, growing increasingly embarrassed and frustrated. Luckily, he found a bus driver who figured out what he was saying.
To reduce mis-communication I try to explain what I'd said in multiple ways so as not to be misinterpreted. Too often do I say something and receive a look of disgust. After a bit of explanation, the other end of the conversation calms done and civility resumes.
There is an excellent little book, much of which I disagree with, which points out the most common mistake in communication- I am not you, and you are not me. And we're not even close approximations for eachother! Luckily for everyone, The Usual Error is free online! I am overwhelmed by the eloquence and excellence of At Lake Scugog. Making into space the distance between the concepts and the realities creates an unambiguous and impersonal recognition of subjective wrongs. I may have to get this framed in my room, I like the poem so much.
I'll check The Usual Error thanks.
The author of the poem, Jollimore, teaches in the Philosophy Dept. at California State University - Chico (CSUChico). Looking now at The New Yorker's version I see I left out some italics. I'll have to fix that. I think he'd love to hear from you. I wrote him once when I saw one of his poems on the subway in Toronto. I hope he doesn't mind me copying his poem.
Although I'm sure it wasn't funny for you at the time, your anecdote about your divorce made me laugh out loud. Unfortunately for the fairer sex, that's basically what we always hear, as it falls under the old "we only hear what we want to hear". I can't figure out why its so hard to just say what you mean in life. I think that's why I enjoy writing so much. It gives me an opportunity to really try words out, and think of ways in which my thoughts can be less ambiguous. Often, even short responses on here, I write, then completely delete, then repeat until I find what it is I want to say. In life we don't have that option, so we choose to hide inside ourselves instead of risking making an unfixable blunder.
In the past, if people did not understand what we were writing (e.g. letters to the editor, requests to the boss or landlord, etc.), they would throw our letters out. We now have amazing places like Hubski where people can quickly reply and say "What do you mean?" -- That instantaneous response used to be limited to face-to-face conversation.your anecdote about your divorce made me laugh out loud.
I'm glad you laughed!! repeat until I find what it is I want to say
I agree with you about writing -- sometimes it is only by writing and rewriting we find out what we want to say.