I believe the 'unfair' part comes from the fact that men in aggregate don't really care if their potential partner is a high-earner.
I think some men do care. But not positively. I think if they do care they're more likely to dislike being out-earned than comfortable with it. I think if women made more across the board this situation would flip. Whoever makes more money has the power not to care as much about what their partner earns.
I think that discomfort comes from women's aggregate stated and documented preference for higher-earning mates. There are women who have no issue with stay at home husbands. I find it hard to believe that this is anything close to a norm. Maybe that will change as time goes on.I think if they do care they're more likely to dislike being out-earned than comfortable with it.
I mean, I know I'm an anecdote, but I don't care that much what the guy I'm dating makes. I actually try not to know. The chef with bad teeth I slept with for 8 months last year I think bragged to me about how great his new/current job was because it was a $45k/year salary position. This was a substantial raise for him from his previous wage (I had no idea whatever that had been). Also, he was 34, not 24, which makes a difference when we're talking about earnings. I mean, to me, $45k/year is solid, but it's not a pinnacle. Ben, I haven't dated a guy who made more than me in 5, maybe even more years. Hell, 2-3 years ago I dated a cashier from my work cafeteria for a solid 6 months and really, really, liked him. He was paid real cheap. Like $10-12 an hour cheap? Not always 40 hours/week guaranteed? It didn't bother me at all. (But things did bother him. He wanted someone who made him feel more needed. Finances is one way that happens. He liked manic pixie dream girls, basically) I know, I know, I'm supremely special and all, but still... I don't think it's all the women causing this. I think it's both.
I didn't say it's all women. I said that the reason men feel the way that they do is because of the input they've gotten from women. Some choose to allow this to govern their behavior and so minimize risk that way. Some choose to say 'hang probability' and do what they want anyway, at an increased base risk. I already admitted that there are indeed women who tolerate having house-husbands. There are men who tolerate women out-earning them. From what I hear and see, this is not a norm.
Also, correction: Jess made more than me. However, Jess also had a huge complex about wanting to portray essentially a "charles in charge" persona all the time. If you may remember. Jess was not about dating equals. I think they've gotten input from society at large. Male and female. From their moms and dads as well as their dating partners. From TV shows as well as cute girls flirting at the bar. It's everywhere. Women didn't create it, neither did men, it evolved over time due to whateverwhateverwhatever, white male dominance, and it's irresponsible to ignore the whole picture of that. And I'll admit: when you're using to making more than the people you date, and suddenly that switches, it is different. There is a bit of a mental shift. But it's easy enough to come around and shift instead of making a stink about it.
a) i updated b) yes of course it was my experience. i thought as i wrote that sentence that, as a confessed bisexual, i probably have more flexible views on gender roles in relationships than the average bear does. i'm aware. clearly i need someone else who feels the same way as i do about that in a relationship