If I don't feel an emotional pull to have kids, then the next best justification for or against is logic. I'm sure if I felt an overwhelming emotional need to have kids I wouldn't consider these things or I'd figure "That's okay, we can overcome them" or "It's worth it." The fact of the matter is that I don't emotionally, right now, want to have kids. As a result, my reasons to have kids or not are decided by things other than emotion. Edit: I also think that you can probably tell that from my post. If I did emotionally want to have kids I think you'd see a lot more conflict in my statements, like "Oh I wish but I just don't feel..." and so on. I'm pretty unilateral about it, tbh. At minimum before I'd think about having kids I want a partner who will be there to help raise them - because I want someone who will mitigate my weak childrearing spots, and vice versa. I want someone I can trust to help me raise great kids. I want someone whose strengths compliment my flaws and who makes me feel like kids are a real viable option instead of just a thought. I don't think that's unreasonable to have as a minimum requirement before considering childrearing and raising.
I guess my point was basically that it's a personal choice, and you, I, or anyone else don't need to justify to the world our decision to have or not have children. Having to say, "I don't want to have kids, because such-and-such," essentially is a defensive position. No need to play defense, because you're legitimizing the default position, which is that we should all procreate. Nobody's muthafukn bizz.
That makes more sense. Maybe I misread your comment & if I did, my bad. I actually appreciate this thread giving me a voice to express how I feel. I typed up a big long thing and deleted it, but basically, I can trust most people and certainly my family to not want to listen to what I have to say, and also probably not to understand it. It's nice sometimes to put some of it out there. Like "these are my thoughts and I don't expect them to be your thoughts but I have them and I am sharing them." Of course I don't want to argue with people about why I'm not inclined towards having children, and putting my opinions out there can open that door. But it can also, perhaps, make me feel as if other people understand where I am coming from and why I feel the way I do. I don't want to pass my problems on to a kid. They are significant enough that I cannot imagine how I would avoid doing so. This is compounded by the idea that all parents parent as a reaction to how they were parented (whether good or bad). My parents overcompensated for some stuff. It backfired. It's a double ding: a) My personal conflicts would influence my parenting, whether I tried (effectively or not) to suppress them and b) my experience of being parented, which would inescapably impact my parenting model, did not teach me effective parenting, but instead how to pass on my issues. For the record, like, global warming's on the list, too, man. It ain't all heavy shit. I don't keep the list to show it off to others, but more a mental file: things that give me pause. But I do agree I was coming off defensively - but I'd frame it at least partially as "in defense of selfishness." I think many people see selfishness as unilaterally bad. I feel that selfishness, some amount of it, is required for self preservation. It is okay to be selfish. Sometimes, I think it can be for the better.
No problemo bb. Complicated subject, many thoughts and feels, and appreciate the validation. It just felt like you were telling me I didn't have to explain (which you were) and I was like "Oh but, I think part of this is that I want to!" IRL if I tell a casual friend or family member I don't want to have kids because I think I'd be a shit mom everyone is just like "OH NO YOU WOULDN'T" and then they coo about it, and I'm like "Dude, you guys really do not know who I am, and you're saying that because you think that everyone wants to be a mother and a good one at that." It's similar to my mother telling me I just need to raise my dating standards while I sit and think, "maybe I really am not looking to find anyone to settle down with; aka I make the dating choices I do because I am not interested in anything permanent."