I used to be a Christian. When I say that you might not get what I mean, so let me explain. I used to be a Christian. My friends were all Christian, I listened to Christian music, I read apologetics, and even at one point planned to join JPUSA ( http://jpusa.org/ ). I did not understand how other people were not Christian. I could not wrap my head around the idea that other people had opinions that were different than mine. I lived with a group of Christians who I considered my friends. I tried very hard to do what God had intended according to leaders of churches and interpretations of the bible. I had attached myself to this idea. I had made it my identity. I was a Christian. Then one day I was driving my car, and I had felt full of emotion and pain for things I could not explain. I pulled over and just cried. I cried because I realized how selfish and stupid I was. How arrogant I was. How much of a hypocrite I was. I cried because of the guilt that I imposed on myself. I cried because I finally didn't have to feel that same guilt anymore. I just suddenly realized that I no longer believed in God. It's weird, there was a physical feeling of the world turning underneath my feet. It's so vivid in my mind. I can remember the smell of the car seat being slightly musty and wet. I remember that it was the morning and the sun was pulling itself up behind the houses. I don't remember why I was where I was, but I can remember being there. I just sat there for hours and cried and cried. It was like a self immolation but in reverse. My emotions and brain and self, were tearing me down. I look back on that memory of pain very fondly now. Knowing that it was both very hard and very necessary for my growth as a person. I can always look back at that and use it to help me get through difficult times. While I never regret being a Christian, I sometimes do think about what I could have been without Christianity, I could have left so much guilt. Thank you for asking this question beezneez I had to end the day on kind of a lousy note and reminding me of this time has helped me to gain some perspective.
Exchristian here too. My process was significantly longer than yours, but I know some of the feelings you're talking about. I would guess it came to a head when, on the way home from a business trip with my Dad, we got talking about my troubles in/with school, depression, a lot of things, and when he said, after discussing other things, to pray about it, I kind of lost my shit. I came clean about having tried to be a good Christian, but how the more I searched for answers in the Bible and various apologetics, I couldn't find answers to my questions. (Specifically Theodicy ) I couldn't believe that an all powerful being would care what one human put in another consenting humans orifices, or that the same god I was told to love had condoned genocide, incest, and all other sorts of absolutely insane stuff. I told him I was tired of being told I was a lost, broken, sick, twisted, evil sack of nothingness without believing in a canaanite war god. I'm a little jealous of this bit I think about the 'what if' quite a lot. After a lot of consideration, I probably would have ended up swallowing my questions, and self respect, and simply settling for 'well, that's good enough' in my entire life. Marry an 'adequate' spouse who I can have a ton of kids with that will grow up to resent me, alternated between alcohol and psychopharmaceuticals for a few years, and then happily swallowed a bullet. I get shivers just thinking about it, but if I had just a bit less drive, a bit less willpower, I could have lived the most terrifying existence I can imagine. Complete and utter mediocrity.While I never regret being a Christian
The reason I don't regret being a Christian, is because I was exposed to a lifestyle that many others will not experience. I get to look back and say "well that was a silly point in my life". You do too (not that I'm trying to give advice). Learning that the "rules are made up and the points don't matter" is really all there is too it. I didn't even think about this, I don't mind mediocrity to be honest, but mediocrity forced on me because of a guilt I didn't deserve nor ask for, that is not for me. I could have lived the most terrifying existence I can imagine. Complete and utter mediocrity.
I guess I was never a 'happy' Christian, so I have a hard time looking back at my struggles with that faith positively. I always had problems with, and never drew much comfort from, the magic sky wizard. My faith was a continual source of stress, self-doubt/hate, and rigorous study.
I can't see the earth below me, but I can feel it turn I hope you can move (or have moved) to a place in your life where you can let go of the guilt you felt in that moment. It's good to remember your flaws and the errors of your past, but if you're not careful their weight can prevent your from growing into your own perceived potential. Thank you for sharing your story.I just suddenly realized that I no longer believed in God. It's weird, there was a physical feeling of the world turning underneath my feet. It's so vivid in my mind. I can remember the smell of the car seat being slightly musty and wet. I remember that it was the morning and the sun was pulling itself up behind the houses. I don't remember why I was where I was, but I can remember being there.
Hey coffeesp00ns, I have definitely moved and let go of most of my guilt, as I start to move through my 30s I am learning a lot about what it means to be human and to grow and to just accept things. I really like that song! A modern twist on folk music what is it with Canadians being able to do folk so well (Leonard Cohen is another example I can think of)?