Exchristian here too. My process was significantly longer than yours, but I know some of the feelings you're talking about. I would guess it came to a head when, on the way home from a business trip with my Dad, we got talking about my troubles in/with school, depression, a lot of things, and when he said, after discussing other things, to pray about it, I kind of lost my shit. I came clean about having tried to be a good Christian, but how the more I searched for answers in the Bible and various apologetics, I couldn't find answers to my questions. (Specifically Theodicy ) I couldn't believe that an all powerful being would care what one human put in another consenting humans orifices, or that the same god I was told to love had condoned genocide, incest, and all other sorts of absolutely insane stuff. I told him I was tired of being told I was a lost, broken, sick, twisted, evil sack of nothingness without believing in a canaanite war god.

I'm a little jealous of this bit

While I never regret being a Christian

I think about the 'what if' quite a lot. After a lot of consideration, I probably would have ended up swallowing my questions, and self respect, and simply settling for 'well, that's good enough' in my entire life. Marry an 'adequate' spouse who I can have a ton of kids with that will grow up to resent me, alternated between alcohol and psychopharmaceuticals for a few years, and then happily swallowed a bullet. I get shivers just thinking about it, but if I had just a bit less drive, a bit less willpower, I could have lived the most terrifying existence I can imagine. Complete and utter mediocrity.