I reported in my comment here
that I came with questions. Luckily KB said he has lots of answers, probably more answers than I have questions.I just want to report that coming with questions never fails to generate a fascinating conversation. Try it. Here's some.
1. Think of something about (the place where you grew up; your family; your school) that gave you your sense of the world and your place in it?
2. Are you an open book? If so who’s your best reader. If there’s 100 pages, what page are they on?
3. What have you learned recently about your family that wasn’t the story you told yourself?
4. What important lesson did an earlier romantic relationship teach you that helps you in your current marriage?
5. What is one thing you remember from all your changes in the last 10 years that made you feel vulnerable (beyond your comfort zone) or felt a little challenging.
6. Are you carrying any resentment that you could let go of if you thought about it. Would it be a benefit?
7. What are some questions you have about your life now that you’d like answered in the next year.
8. What is an experience of success that you still feel good about?
9. What is your road not taken?
10. What idea or attitude did you once believe that you later discovered was false?
11. When you realize that everything is made up -all religions, nations, patriarchy, democracy, etc are ideas made up by people, what then do you believe?
12. What does an equal relationship mean to you?
I was talking with a friend last week, and what I said to her is "being able to say 'no' means I can trust the 'yes.'" It's really about anything, as mundane as "can you check on my cats?" So in a relationship, equal means to me being able to trust the response of the other. If they always say yes to appease me, they're putting their happiness on my lap and I bet neither of us will be happy.12. What does an equal relationship mean to you
kleinbl00 said an equal relationship means "getting what you want without giving up anything you want to keep" -- I wish I had asked what does that mean or give me an example, but it was time to go. To me, equality in a relationship is a feeling -- it just feels equal, there are no tallies, no quid pro quo, and most of all no resentment, no resentment generated passive-aggressive behaviour or critical sarcastic comments. Some couples have to work it out on a tally sheet -- and that's okay as a way of building trust. Others just give all they can naturally and spontaneously and consistently and it feels kind of equal even though you're both willing to give even more than your share.
To be fair, that answer wasn't originally mine; it came from a book on relationship advice I read maybe 25 years ago. I had recently ditched a relationship where I was paying for everything because she wanted to demonstrate her "financial independence" from daddy - the same daddy who flew us to Kauai for two weeks for her graduation, the same daddy who guilt-bought cars for his kids. The advice came from their take on how unequal financial partners can have an equal relationship - if she's a barista and he's an investment broker, it's pretty dumb to expect them to split the tab down the center. What's important is that both partners feel they're on an equal footing, so sometimes she treats at Wing Stop, sometimes he treats at Ruth's Chris. The argument went further: when cohabiting, there should be a joint account and two private accounts so that the money responsible for maintaining the mechanics of the relationship is sorted while the money responsible for maintaining the joy of the relationship exists within each partner's sphere of autonomy. I've seen a lot of relationship structures. I've seen a lot of different ways people make each other happy. And the through-line on "unhappy" is always one partner giving more than they think they're getting. There's no point in arbitrating where that line is or how much laundry-folding equals one mowed lawn or whatever; what matters is that whatever one partner needs is given freely by the other. You want an example? My wife's needs are simple: (1) don't fuck with her pillow (2) don't leave your socks in the living room. Need something ornate sewn by the evening? No problem. On the other hand, she lives in dire fear of the written word so if I vomit 250 words for a job posting, she sees that as saving her days and days. It would take me several weeks to accomplish anything with fabric but I can spit out limericks in near-realtime - what I give up is nominal but it means the world to her, what she gives up is nominal but it's huge for me. (1) don't fuck with the pillow (2) don't leave your socks in the living room is much more achievable to me than (A) guess what mood I'm in and respond properly or else I will rip the remote from your fingers and fling it at the wall without so much as a word of warning BUT I have seen, been around, befriended and counseled people who fucking need to scratch that crazy-ass "I must date an unstable histrionic bitch" itch.
For me the nuance I'd add to this is tradeoffs can be ok, but they're done in the open and generally comparable. Not "if you come to Christmas at my parents I'll let you go out with your friends next weekend" but more "I'm training for a marathon which means I'm doing fewer of the communal tasks so I'm going to make sure to give you time for your hobbies when the race is past." In my mind it's healthy to give up some things I want to do, but drawing the line at things that are important to me even if they aren't essential. Running a marathon is a want. Running at all is important. Doing some organized races is important. Doing a specific one is not. But even then if I said I wanted to run a marathon next fall and was asked not to, it should be because of something important to them. Like if the race is a Saturday but her brother is getting married Sunday and she doesn't want me to be useless and exhausted at the wedding? Ok. Doesn't want me to because she wants to hold that weekend in case it's peak leaf color change? Not so good. no quid pro quo
I love these posts Lil! I'll answer them all because they're good questions and I'm greedy. My parents treatment of my brother. He has a bleeding disorder that should probably have claimed his life over the years. A combination of the NZ healthcare system and my parents ensured he's still here today, 35 years young. I grew up the middle child, and with my older brother constantly hospitalised, my sister and I were effectively raised by nannies/carers, I'm not going to claim there wasn't any childhood resentment, but I learned quickly that this was an example I could aspire to. To just look after people. The healthcare system never charged us much, for any of the visits, surgeries, medication (maybe a $5 co-payment for prescriptions?). It was covered by the tax payer, and so I'm happy seeing my tax going towards people who need it. My parents did all they could, and they told me years down the line they felt more comfortable than they expected, focusing on their oldest child - because for whatever reason my sister and I accepted the need for this hierarchy of attention. The odd fight and tantrum, but for the most part we knew he needed more than we did. I like to think that's carried on. I'm doing well, comparatively, so when other people need and get something I don't, I'd rather give than take. Now more than ever. My partner reads me the best - I couldn't tell you what page she's on but I can tell you she's writing the rest of the story with me. That we are as dysfunctional as any other. To enjoy the little things. A previous relationship had me seeking every major thing in life, she wanted to chase big things and I had to want them as well. It burnt us both out, and my current relationship we call a solid afternoon of gardening together a good outing. This one is hard. I need to consider it more! Absolutely. Tiny things people have done that irked me over the years. Sometimes at night when I struggle to sleep, my brain helpfully cycles through these small encounters until I'm angry again. I will be working on letting go of things. Clinging to them does me a disservice and grants them too much time in my head. I doubt they've ever thought of me again! Can I develop the courage to send any of my writing pieces off to an agent? Will my current vegetables be a bumper crop? Equal importance, now that I have them side by side.. Leaving my depressing and stressful office management job, to enter an IT realm where I feel 100x better about myself and my work. Oooh too many. I don't focus on it though. They're just different iterations of me. But I'm the one that's here and now, and I like it. I once held quite nasty thoughts about the queer community in general. I've long since changed from that, but I don't forget that I was once an absolute shithead for zero reason. I consider myself a staunch ally, and thanks to the behaviour of the past I know what crap to call out when I see it. Just here for the ride. To enjoy what I can, with whoever I can, and hopefully leave a small segment of the world better for having me in it. When we add to each other. I don't think a relationship will ever be equal in a percentage sense, because we're never at exactly the same levels. But her success is my success, and vice versa.1. Think of something about (the place where you grew up; your family; your school) that gave you your sense of the world and your place in it?
2. Are you an open book? If so who’s your best reader. If there’s 100 pages, what page are they on?
3. What have you learned recently about your family that wasn’t the story you told yourself?
4. What important lesson did an earlier romantic relationship teach you that helps you in your current marriage?
5. What is one thing you remember from all your changes in the last 10 years that made you feel vulnerable (beyond your comfort zone) or felt a little challenging.
6. Are you carrying any resentment that you could let go of if you thought about it. Would it be a benefit?
7. What are some questions you have about your life now that you’d like answered in the next year.
8. What is an experience of success that you still feel good about?
9. What is your road not taken?
10. What idea or attitude did you once believe that you later discovered was false?
11. When you realize that everything is made up -all religions, nations, patriarchy, democracy, etc are ideas made up by people, what then do you believe?
12. What does an equal relationship mean to you?