My uncle had a heart attack and died Monday at the ripe old age of 59, also meaning his mother outlived him. And he might not have a will. All my schooling is done and I walk across a stage on Saturday to receive a piece of paper that says "this kid knows things." I still don't have employment lined up. My family is insisting on still coming to my graduation and delaying the funeral. I have a surgery on the 12th of the month (minor, don't worry). I haven't slept well in weeks. I'm just so exhausted and done with it all.

Half the brain's done.

Baseplate was a 40-hour print. Top case was a 60-hour print. Hinges and plates were probably 20 hours combined. It's modular now; I need to do it all over again for the other half of the brain. Switching to those crimp d-subs was a galaxy brain move that I wish I'd thought of six months ago. Still took the better part of two days to connectorize. There's about 120 connections inside there.

For some dumb reason SolidWorks refuses to output a PDF or EXS in anything resembling actual size. This is a problem as I print my paper dolls and rubber cement them to the 18x24" cutting boards that I'm using as side panels.

I need to land three sensors in the entirely-too-packed tool changer, which means I'm going to have to model more of the tool changer. I also discovered that I didn't fully understand the way tool changes happen on the accessory spindle (it's been at a friend's house for a year while he gets around to making me an adapter) so I'm going to have to land another solenoid, too, as well as do some high-pressure shenanigans. Right now I have an extra three relay controls landing on my low-pressure 12-solenoid Festo valve manifold but I'm going to need an extra high-pressure valve. With any luck I can do a little rework on the adorable little breakout box I made to fit on the back (I have a pair of high-pressure solenoids fed from a GX12-4 and I can swap it out with a GX12-6) but shit's starting to get tight in there. Especially as I now need to put three 25-pin d-subs, a 15-pin d-sub, a six-terminal 3-way high voltage switch and three extra hall effect sensors up in there.

"watchmaking."

I also just committed to a year of radio advertising 'cuz it turns out when you're a DJ you get a good rate. Apparently no other DJ ever thought to look into this. With any luck, this will incentivize the station to answer me when I ask "so I need to do this on my website can you give me an answer please" because I'm four emails into them and the next thing I'ma do is call.

Walking is hard. COVID really takes it out of me.

Last Skinny Puppy show ever next Tuesday.

I think I've been effectively isolated from my every loved one and close social connection. I don't feel fit to exist as I do right now and also don't feel capable of changing anything for the better. There have been a spate of suicides in my extended, not immediate family. I don't plan on joining them and I understand the heat that made them jump.

The last while has been rough on my relationship and only recently have things improved at all because my spouse has actually started going to therapy again and we see a couples counselor weekly.

Our problem is rooted in the fact we had an agreed method of managing conflict. Neither of us liked this method, but could both tolerate it, a good compromise. Her old Therapist was integral in helping us devise it. Her old Therapist held her accountable to using this method to resolve conflicts.

When her old Therapist switched to private practice from the institution she was with, insurance issues ended the relationship between her and my spouse.

Shortly after, we bought our home. Shortly after that, my spouse appeared to have stopped caring about managing conflict at all. Storming out of rooms, breaking shit, raised voices. Saying she would go to therapy and never even look for clinics let alone book appointments.

A few times we fought and when I either stopped her from breaking shit or raised my voice in response to something she said or did, she called my friends and said she felt unsafe. She did this when I have never raised a hand in violence in her presence let alone hurt her.

She did this multiple times, now two of my closest friends won't talk to me at all because when she tried to hand me the phone to talk to them, I said I wanted to talk to my spouse, not them. Two other friends are holding me at arms length because of this same reason. They admitted to giving me a cold shoulder for a month and a half while they figured out how to politely tell me they don't want to hang out much, even though we bought homes all within a 20 minute drive of each other to be closer. Because they can't be party to this kind of conflict. My supposed best friend. Best man at my tiny ass sad backyard wedding and I was best man at his where a literal sitting US senator was a casual guest at the reception, has looked me dead in the face and said "I don't want to get in the middle of you two." I don't think I have a best friend anymore.

I feel so dirty and low class and afraid and angry. This person that I thought I knew and could trust with my life has demonstrated that they don't feel obligated to work on problems until they become nuclear. My friends who have been with me through so much want nothing to do with me because I got upset that my spouse wouldn't go to therapy or talk through her problems instead of breaking shit.

Things are a little better now. No more yelling matches mostly because I don't have the energy anymore. I just let shit slide and degrade and do the barest minimum to keep living and out of the emergency room. If I make it to physical therapy twice a week and the gym two other days thats what counts as victory now, even if I'm asleep 14-16 hours a day from drugs or pain.

I'm afraid to even post this because of how intense the stigma is against men having problems in their relationships. Men of course have to BE the problem in their relationship. I'm doing it anyway because all of 4 people will read it and if I don't speak out for myself how could I ever speak up for anyone else.

I still miss my friends though.

My partner got a promotion - she's practically a new person. Doing something she enjoys, getting more money, she works later hours so she gets more time to do things around the house (the fact that I do most of the cooking/cleaning has bugged her for years). Win-win-win.

My employer has announced a round of voluntary redundancies. I prepared an application and ran it past my boss, just to see what they might pay me to close off my job. It was immediately declined, so I guess I'm sticking around until the involuntary redundancies (which have also been announced, just for a later date) come around. I've got an interview next week. The trouble with being a shitty employer in what is effectively a "corporate town" where everyone is employed by that company; when you announce layoffs? Everyone slows down. Everyone pulls back. Productivity has plummeted and trust has been destroyed. You can't hire new people to fill critical gaps, because everyone knows this massive organization is up shit creek and nobody wants to hitch their star to that particular wagon. My fellow managers? We were a team of 6, but we've been 4 since January, and still no replacements on the horizon. We have approval to recruit, but nobody wants the job for the salary we offer and be under the cloud of uncertainty. "Take a paycut and maybe get fired within the next 12 months? Kindly fuck off".

So we all pick up the slack, burn out faster, and we leave a slightly larger pile of crap for whomever remains. Yay.

Not all doom and gloom though, hobbies are continuing to be fulfilling. Writing, piano, gardening, stupid but hilarious youtube series.

Our new cat is settling in nicely (her name is Penny), though she's a much more "charged" creature than the previous critter. The demure, fastidious and sadly deceased, Elvis.

Penny is a riot. Everything she does, she hauls ass. Off to eat? 100km/h. Receiving pats? Not fast enough, let her help expedite the process by headbutting your hand. Need to clean? You best believe she's full force. An absolute wrecking ball. She now answers to Eggs Penedict, Lumpy Space Penny, Penelope Pants and of course, Gremlin From The Void. She got the last one after she halloween-catted down the hallway towards me one night. It was fucking horrifying to see the eyes glaring, then the arched shaped scuttling towards my ankles. She just wanted some love.

But she doesn't receive love, she takes it. You will know about the transaction.

In a Qantas lounge waiting for my flight to be called after a full-on month. It appears things will continue to be full-on for another month, and travelling for work will be no excuse not to keep up.

This time nine years ago, I was so broke and desperate after coming back from Tasmania I was working for criminals (as in, criminally underpaying and violating every conceivable health standard) at South Melbourne Market while struggling to make debt repayments. Now I'm off on a business class tour of North America and Europe.

On reflection, shit is wild.

Planning to open up The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon once I'm on board.