I think I've been effectively isolated from my every loved one and close social connection. I don't feel fit to exist as I do right now and also don't feel capable of changing anything for the better. There have been a spate of suicides in my extended, not immediate family. I don't plan on joining them and I understand the heat that made them jump.

The last while has been rough on my relationship and only recently have things improved at all because my spouse has actually started going to therapy again and we see a couples counselor weekly.

Our problem is rooted in the fact we had an agreed method of managing conflict. Neither of us liked this method, but could both tolerate it, a good compromise. Her old Therapist was integral in helping us devise it. Her old Therapist held her accountable to using this method to resolve conflicts.

When her old Therapist switched to private practice from the institution she was with, insurance issues ended the relationship between her and my spouse.

Shortly after, we bought our home. Shortly after that, my spouse appeared to have stopped caring about managing conflict at all. Storming out of rooms, breaking shit, raised voices. Saying she would go to therapy and never even look for clinics let alone book appointments.

A few times we fought and when I either stopped her from breaking shit or raised my voice in response to something she said or did, she called my friends and said she felt unsafe. She did this when I have never raised a hand in violence in her presence let alone hurt her.

She did this multiple times, now two of my closest friends won't talk to me at all because when she tried to hand me the phone to talk to them, I said I wanted to talk to my spouse, not them. Two other friends are holding me at arms length because of this same reason. They admitted to giving me a cold shoulder for a month and a half while they figured out how to politely tell me they don't want to hang out much, even though we bought homes all within a 20 minute drive of each other to be closer. Because they can't be party to this kind of conflict. My supposed best friend. Best man at my tiny ass sad backyard wedding and I was best man at his where a literal sitting US senator was a casual guest at the reception, has looked me dead in the face and said "I don't want to get in the middle of you two." I don't think I have a best friend anymore.

I feel so dirty and low class and afraid and angry. This person that I thought I knew and could trust with my life has demonstrated that they don't feel obligated to work on problems until they become nuclear. My friends who have been with me through so much want nothing to do with me because I got upset that my spouse wouldn't go to therapy or talk through her problems instead of breaking shit.

Things are a little better now. No more yelling matches mostly because I don't have the energy anymore. I just let shit slide and degrade and do the barest minimum to keep living and out of the emergency room. If I make it to physical therapy twice a week and the gym two other days thats what counts as victory now, even if I'm asleep 14-16 hours a day from drugs or pain.

I'm afraid to even post this because of how intense the stigma is against men having problems in their relationships. Men of course have to BE the problem in their relationship. I'm doing it anyway because all of 4 people will read it and if I don't speak out for myself how could I ever speak up for anyone else.

I still miss my friends though.