oufff this new year started as a complete mess. got drunk and my memories goes from talking and laughing with my friends to literally sobbing on the bed about my breakup with my ex consoling me. I don't even remember what triggered it. It's been 4 months since our breakup, shit... (how long does it take to move on? it's my first breakup ever so I'm not too sure what to expect) Then my new friend drove me home and i fell asleep with my lover in my bed. I wake up and she rage quit my place to drive 5h back home, texting me about how i'm selfish and unwelcoming and ungrateful. After I hosted her for 4 days at my place with her dog and invited her along to all my new years plans, including to my parents house. A complete text freakout demanding apologies and shit for vague accusations of hurt feelings. I've known her for less than a year. Fucking flipped a switch so fast i got whiplash. It's a bit annoying, but she lives in another city and I told her it's best we take some distance. No regrets on that front, but it added on to an already rough morning. And then my lover and one of his main poly partner break up a few days later over some insecurities - that he assures me have nothing to do with me but I have some reservations. So, i've stopped drinking. It's been 5 days now, which is more than I can remember for a loooong time. I'll aim making it to a full week and if that works out i'll do a full month. Will limit my drinking to places with amazing views on my upcoming trip to Asia. Cause I used to really have fun drinking and now I most often than not turn into a crying mess. It's no fun for either me or my friends. I need to recalibrate so it becomes enhancement and not escapism. My energy levels and mood have been in the dumps too, without routine and structure in the dark winter months. Booked a sober weekend with friends at the cabin cooking games and playing food - hopefully that helps! I just have this itch to be creative and productive and joyful but i can't find my arms. Thank god for my loving and supportive and thoughtful friends and family. It's the best thing I have in my life right now and I won't take it for granted.
While it's different for everyone, I suspect it's influenced by how long the relationship lasted for, and the context of the breakup itself. I've had relationships of 3+ years end, one we could both see coming a mile away and ended amiably. Another was the result of cheating, so that hurt me an awful lot and while I "recovered" fairly fast, I "rebounded" far too quickly and I know I hurt people while I did this. But! I remember your relationship was in the 10 year realm, right? Honestly I have no idea. You'll be increasingly okay over time, and might never notice a specific moment when things click. Just day after day of things clicking a little better. But really, a decade together is a huge portion of your life. Days, weeks, months and years with this person intricately woven into your experience. It will take time to unwind that. I took a 6 month break one time when I was 18, as I behaved like such an asshole (and have no memory of it). I slowly allowed myself to drink again but never had a moment like that until 4 years ago, when I was 28. Last I recall was getting into a heated argument with a relative stranger at a party, then waking up the next day to a text from him apologizing for his behaviour. Which told me that I had 100% joined that little mess, with gusto. Another 6 months off the stuff. I blamed the gin for the most recent event, but really I was just in a bad frame and it was entirely exacerbated with the drink. Now I'm old enough that the hangover isn't worth it, and my whisky is too expensive to binge. Congrats on the 5 days, I hope there are more days to attach to the total and it gives you some control over things! Maybe it'll spark some creativity in you?how long does it take to move on?
Cause I used to really have fun drinking and now I most often than not turn into a crying mess
Thank you, that’s helpful. Indeed, we split soon after the 10 year mark. My friend told me the other day I grieve “like a man” where I went on a yolo denial fun spree the first 3 months and the sadness and loss is catching up now. A frankly sexist assessment by name, but she’s right about what happened. I feel my ex had the opposite process. Thankfully, I’ve never been a mean or agressive drunk. More a fun and reckless one - which from a sober person looking in is definitely annoying but great with other drinking friends. But my newfound sad drunk energy sucks for everyone so time for a hard reset.
I got worried about my drinking at one point, and stopped cold turkey for a year. It wasn't difficult at all, so I went back to drinking normally. The other night I was out to dinner with friends, and realized four of the stories I told had drinking as an important element in them. But nowadays, that's because I haven't really grokked that my tolerance for alcohol is not what it once was, and four (high ABV) beers can black me out. At a friend's memorial service at a micro brewery, I made agreements to do several things, that I didn't recall the next day. I think I need to stick to my single malt whisky, and not do the beer thing. I have no idea what my beer tolerance is anymore... I stopped drinking it entirely when I did keto 6 years ago, and I think it just hits me different now. You are a good person with a good heart and empathy for others. Alcohol seems to have impeded your natural personality at key moments. I hope this year is more gentle to you, and gives you time to find your center and stability again. Hugs...