I’m always honest with you guys, so I’m gonna be upfront here. I tried creating another account, baseballninja, but I have no idea how to activate it. So I found the password to an old account. I wrote all this last night, but here I am now. It’s been what, two years now? I don’t know. Time has lost meaning.

I’m here to pontificate about baseball, maybe cartoons like Ninja Turtles or some shit from time to time, but mostly baseball. I fell in love with it last year. Twitter is a cesspool of angry people and so many bots it’s not funny. Reddit is a hell hole. I don’t even fucking get discord, so here I am, because I’m lonely, my life is a disaster, and every day I go to bed alive is a small miracle.

If you want to know where I’m at, here’s a dump for you. It’s greyed out, cause shit gets really real, really quick.

Mental Health

I think dimensia is starting to kick in. I get confused and lost easily, have a hard time remembering words and events, and other shit.

I suffer from OCD, real, fucking, bad. We’re talking losing on average 2-4 hours a day just to hand washing and showering and shit. There’s times where I lose an hour just to a single hand washing session cause I just can’t get it right. The doctor I went to see for it, cause he was free at the time, accidentally made it worse. The coping mechanisms he taught me were for PTSD, a way to rationalize through your fears. Turns out, doing that shit makes OCD worse. Now that I know better, I’m trying to find a specialist for OCD here in the city, but wouldn’t you know it, no one is taking on new patients. Ever. No matter who I call, I get told to check back in three to six months. I’ve damn near given up.

My friends and social life

One turned into a red piller. Another is about to be homeless and there’s nothing I can do to help and I don’t know if I can bear to watch. Another is, I am starting to suspect, in some weird white nationalist uber conservative church and doesn’t fucking want to admit it. Another I’ve stopped talking to because they went shit crazy. Another lives literally 10 hours away. The Baha’is around here rarely do anything in person and the in person events they do are often when I’m working. Everyone else works when I’m free and vice Vera. My own fucking family never calls or texts unless I call or text first. I text friends memes to stay in touch. Outside my coworkers, my only socialization is with my wife, and for so many reasons that puts a strain on our relationship but we’re trying to manage.

My Career

I work at a pet store now, cause I can’t get a job anywhere else, and you’d think being a germaphobic animal lover who hates corporate America would make it hard enough, but worse, it’s in a baaad part of town. We’re talking having to have locks on our bathrooms because people use them for drugs and prostitution. We’re talking about witnessing people beat their own pets and children in front of God and everybody. We’re talking about a murder happening literally right next door cause two shoppers got into a heated argument during the holiday season. We’re talking serious tragic and fucked up homelessness. On and on I could go, the stories I could tell, you wouldn’t fucking believe me. They happen, I tell people about them, and no one ever fucking believes me except my coworkers, cause we’ve fucking seen it all. If one of you guys got a text from your roommate that said “Hey, you can’t come home right now. There’s an active shooter situation at our apartment complex and the police won’t let anyone in or out” you’d probably think it’s sensational or some shit. For the people I work with? That’s like the fucking weather report.

For real, I’m as kind as possible to as many people as possible at work every single day. Partly because I’m in so much pain, it brings reality into a new perspective that I want to do everything I can to keep other people from feeling what I feel on a daily basis. But also? I kind of don’t wanna get shot in the face cause I pissed off the wrong customer.

I’m in a dark, dark, dark place. There’s been some storms I’ve had to ride out and my m sure there’s more to come. I’m only here cause honestly, I don’t even fucking know what to do anymore. I’m not looking for help though, I don’t want sympathy or pity or support. I literally just want a safe corner of the internet to say shit like “This series between Boston and Baltimore has been insane and I can’t wait to see what happens next” or”here’s a list of catchers I think are amazing” or “I love that The Pirates give up on seasons so early, cause then they bust out the rookies and I love watching rookies hustle.”

So I’m back. I’m sorry and not sorry. I’ll warn you though, a lot of days, I’m just a ball of emotion. Put up with me or don’t, I don’t care, I’m gonna ramble about baseball anyway.

And if you’re blocked, it’s cause I barely have the energy to make it through the day, I don’t have any to put up with you. Doesn’t mean I hate. Doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person. I’m just really, really tired.

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I’m literally watching tonight’s Baltimore/Boston game while I wait for the ability to post. So here are thoughts.

Adley Rutschman is amazing. I have a special place in my heart for Jonah Heim and Tyler Stephenson though.

Boston’s City Connect Jersey is hideous. It looks like it belongs to some European Team. The Padres Jersey is worse. The Brewers and Angels have some cool ones though.

I’m surprised that Boston and Chicago White Sox both had seasons that fell apart. After Baltimore’s rough previous few seasons, this one was so fun, even if they don’t get a wild card slot. Can’t wait for next year for them. Or The Rangers.

I don’t care about pitch clocks, but I’m so glad they’re banning the shift. 4 men outfields and such were just stupid. Why even call them positions if they’re not gonna stick to them?

Players I love to keep an eye on. Jonah Heim. Oneil Cruz. Jonathan India. Keston Huira. Ryan Mountcastle. Way too many. On I could go.

Shohei deserves MVP.

Mancini being trade to Houston was a tragedy. Him being a bench player is a literal crime.

Is Kansas City even a real baseball team? I don’t think I’ve ever paid them even the remotest attention.

Fucking baseball. One of the few things that make sense. I’m glad I found it.

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Woke up to use the bathroom and the wife’s Angels game was just starting. I sat down to watch a bit. Logan O’Hoppe is making his major league debut. He’s a catcher. I’m a sucker for catchers. I love catchers. So much ride on them. Watched a few innings. His first MLB at bat was a clean single, maybe he’ll be okay.

Met my newborn nephew for the first time over the weekend. He's very cute, wriggles a lot and makes a huge amount of snuffling noises.

While visiting, my brother took me to his monthly poker night with his friends. 9 of us around a table, and I had no fucking clue how to play poker. 5 hours later I was in the last three, staring down some seasoned card wranglers. I credit my success to being impossible to predict. After all, if I don't know what I'm doing, how can they? I bowed out quickly once I was at that stage, but it was a good time. Lots of beers, watched the rugby (a nice distraction when I discovered I had a full house but had to play it cool) and headed home about 1am. Then we played games till about 3am, but of course Daylight Savings kicked in that night and it became 4am immediately - oh my poor head the next morning.

Now to meet him and see how it pans out. My boss is jumping for joy that I'm making moves. Outwardly for her staff to progress, inwardly (I'm sure) to get me out of her hair.

Personal: About to celebrate 18 years of marriage. It's hard to believe how quickly time has flown by. I feel very grateful for my family. My kids are healthy, smart, curious and DEFINITELY challenging, but I wouldn't change them. My wife and I look forward to a fun weekend together, celebrating.

I have decided to take up tennis again. I need the exercise and it makes me happier than just about any other sport/activity.

I miss my friends and family in Ann Arbor. This is a great time of year to be there. I will head back for thanksgiving.

Professional:Back in 2018 Forever Labs filed a patent to concentrate exosomes at point of care and add them to PRP. The analogy goes, if stem cells are the building blocks of the body, then exosomes are the blueprints. They largely mediate the healing process. But these exosomes are so small that table top centrifuges which are used at point of care are unable to concentrate them. Our patent changes this. Over the past 2 years we have been commercializing this patent. We call it, "SuperShotPRP™"

We have been running some studies and gathering data in clinics. Turns out that SuperShot allows patients to heal faster and have lower pain scores in ortho applications. Additionally, we ran a study with the National Hairloss Medical Academy and every participant that received SuperShot had positive/visible results with just one treatment. The results are phenomenal.

The ortho side of this is completely in-line with the same clinics we use to gather bone marrow for Forever Labs, but the hair stuff is a new vertical. Derm clinics and to a lesser extent plastic surgeons will be the target.

We have distribution lined up for ortho and aesthetics. We need to raise money now. Which normally would be fine, even exciting because it's such a strong product and such a large TAM. But, as is customary at Forever Labs, every time we raise money there seems to be a national disaster. Last time we raised in March of 2019. I don't need to remind you what happened then. Now, we are in the midst of a recession that may likely become a global depression. I'm concerned the road to funding will be long and tedious, even for such a strong product.

Take good care everyone! Strange days abound.

Had my last day at work yesterday! YAY! Leaving on extremely good terms - 2 people from the board have explicitly told me I’m welcome back anytime and that they will gladly write me a recommendation letter for whatever I need in the future. One member mentioned he has friends organizing 4K people tech conferences in Berlin, Amsterdam, Goa and San Fran and they could introduce them to me if I’m looking for work. Not looking for work at the moment, but it’s nice to know these opportunities are out there when I’ll start looking.

Plans are getting more concrete - every day in October is busy already! Turns out I’m going to Madrid with the parents. My father is getting old, I’m going to make the best of this trip for sure.

Going to see a fortune teller for my first time ever this afternoon. It’s half a joke, half a recommendation from my friend Baptiste that found the experience helpful. I’ve never done any of that wooowoo BS before despite (or because) all these years in the burning man community. I’ll report back how it goes! It’s a natal chart reading so it’s the kind of thing you only need to do once anyway.

I'm actually taking some vacation time!

I don't do that, really, ever. Because y'all know how low stress and boring my job is, and I work from home with my dog laying next to me, and take time off whenever I want to, and take half days off on Tuesdays and Thursdays to hang out with Dad who has Alzheimers... so I have a LOT of liberty to do whatever with my schedule I want.

But I maxed out my vacation accrual (208 hours, or 26 days max). So I need to use some up.

So I randomly took off the middle week of October, since my last project is due Oct 4 and I don't have anything else on my calendar yet.

And we have a long break at the end of the year, from December 22nd to January 2nd, which I extended so it is now December 15th to January 2nd!

I suspect my wife, dog, and I will do some road trips. A couple days away here and there. But mostly I want to be at home, working on projects, playing music, organizing stuff, fixing homeowner-y things, and just enjoying my home.

A nice Staycation, mostly.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Oh. And apparently it is my 54th birthday on Sunday. So there's that, too.

Well I’m continuing to talk to and will be seeing girl who lives far away. Going on a date, hopefully, with another girl who’s a guide for a local/very well known mountain guiding company. So there’s some people out there for me.

I’ve been feeling like I numbed a lot of parts of my personality towards the end of my last relationship. I’m finding myself making more of each day, listening to music louder, staying up later, burning the candle more. We’ll see how long I can do this, but I am feeling more extreme highs and lows which is something I’ve gravitated towards over the last 10 years of my life. I wouldn’t say in a bi polar way, but I also wouldn’t say it’s a normal, necessarily healthy thing.

The idea was to take a longer break. Instead, it's been a couple of busy, messy, tiring months. But not without upsides!

I used the last weeks of the contract to do a bunch of reimbursable-ish traveling, meet correspondents from COVID time, and set up stuff for future projects. I thought it could be an opportunity for EU meetups but found no way to combine those two ends. For example, my 'stay' in Amsterdam was 14 hours: 2 spent getting to/from the railway, 10 on talking shop, and 2 naping before blazing through France. Scheduling conflicts kill, trying not to hate travel, emphasizing 'journey' in 'journeyman,' yo.

Done a bunch of interviews and spent quite a while weighing options in academia, each loaded with pros and cons. Declined a helluva prestigious postdoc abroad, instead deciding in favor of stability (EDIT: it was only for 1 year with slim chances of renewal). Although other engagements require me to stay put for a while, it is with no regrets. Even during the pandemic, I apparently had no problem working and studying a breadth of topics remotely with a proto-Erdosian amount of people. Since that was my motivation for leaving abroad, it made itself moot.

The new job is tricky to explain, but only because it's the administration's attempt at streamlining. It's pretty much a postdoc with a stupid name, but if I wow the committee after a two/three-year review, it's advanced to an assistant professorship. There's more, obviously, but neither you nor I should be arsed to care.

Don't know if renting out or lending a room or two wouldn't be prudent, though I still welcome an odd refugee short-term. Most get here through word of mouth, so at least there's a level of vouching. The ones who stayed before hop in from time to time, and I'm glad they're doing so well, at least materially. Had a couple interesting new ones, many scholars, and the usual late-comers going after their families. They're almost always interesting to talk to.

Family-wise, it's a can of worms. My brother left with his family to Germany, putting the house under my care. We also split and co-own to make eventual inheritance easier and much cheaper. This state will continue until all the legal crap is taken care of in the land of the Schnitzel. Started with our mother, who -- between substance abuse, concealed terminal diagnosis, concealed-cum-neglected mental disorder, hair-raising choices, and fucked-up worldview further degenerating over the years -- decided to step up her game and become a pain in everyone's arse. But, you know, this time on purpose. I don't want to go into further details, at least now, but hardly a day goes by when I'm not amazed by how well-adjusted we ended up being.

It's hard to believe that all people are fundamentally good, even in the Aquinian sense, when you see whatever time they have on petty conflicts. Especially after seeing how all the time we shared treated me like malfunctioning property rather than a son. What do I even do? There's no internal need or want to forgive a lifetime of being a despotic narcissist to someone who is reveling in it. On my part, the best attempt at reconciliation is to wish she won't suffer.

Anyway, I'm taking care of the house. Stocked the pantries, got a bunch of emergency supplies, and bought electric blankets just in case. Although we have solar panels and a heat pump, they don't provide enough to run without external power ("we'll expand next year" - since about 2014). It suffices to run the oven xor a few appliances, which is spiffy in my book. This is all just in case anyway; we had no power cuts, but there's no reason to be wasteful.

This week the roofers finally came to do repairs/checkups and replace rooftop windows. The roof covering will need a complete replacement in 2-3 years, but for now, I'll settle for ensuring we're ahead of leaks. Plus, even if logistics weren't terrible, it's not a winter job in this climate. Still, I'm thinking of buying as much as possible now-ish and storing it for later since it only begins to degenerate when exposed to UV. I also installed a couple additional solar panels on the walls, but separate from the rest, and have them dumping DC into a stack of car batteries. Too little power to bother connecting to the home grid, too much to trust I wouldn't fuck something up. Enough to help, if need be.

The garden is prepared for next year's herbs and vegetables, and there's probably enough time to dabble in hydroponics. Unfortunately, it's one of those more-trouble-than-it's-worth things unless you're willing to commit to 20m2 or more, which I'm on the fence about. Kinda getting that number out of my ass, but I've done it before. It took a comparable effort to maintain 1m as it did 9m while delivering proportional yield. I've also set my sights on making window shutters that'll be useful all year long. Not the hardest of projects, but not done by the most competent woodworker either. While on that, all windows should be replaced with three-pane ones, but again: not a winter job, supply=bananas.

I pondered testing my chemistry skill by making quetiapine in the shed. After studying it further, the process reads like a fucking lab nightmare from hell, and that's long before noting it's best made by reacting MDMA precursor/analog with assorted carcinogens. Don't worry; I can be dumb at times, though rarely that stupid. Still, with Russia being Russia, nobody's surprised I've been scoring extra prescriptions and stashing this stuff like Dr. House stashes Vicodin.

Prepper outlook? Hardly. Of all the mentioned things, if it's not something that should be done from prudence, I probably wanted to do it for a while but couldn't due to time/space/money/health/pandemic constraints.

Guess the therapy does some good. Less stressed, I continue to respond to medications, and talking with the doc allowed me to think about some past shit in a new way. Or the first way at all, really.

Wow. This was about three times shorter in my head, and I'm not even half the way through. We're done here, for sanity's sake.

EDIT: Wrote it super sleep-deprived, still on the fence if it's good idea to post it, but there it goes.