That's an attitude that I appreciate and what makes the things you do say more reliable. Meanwhile, I went and read the situation with your friend and his wedding. I totally agree that all relationships are transactional in the sense that we should examine whether a friendship makes our lives better or worse and to let go of the ones that make our lives worse -- or, if not let go of them -- not feel trapped in those friendships: understand that we're making a choice to continue. Re two things you wrote: I love the difference between, "hey, wanna see something" and "hey, can I show you something." and this line from the "stopped talking" story: I love both those statements because they show an awareness of the many ways we conduct our transactions and that awareness makes us more in control of our responses to interpersonal difficulties. It's so important, I think, ultimately for happiness. "It" meaning awareness of the impact our transactions have on others and on ourself. Anyway, As I've said on this website before, there are friends who are your friends and friends who are your caseload.I enjoy sharing the stuff that I know and strive diligently to STFU about stuff I don't.
I was in the process of drafting my response, as carefully and concisely as I could, when it boiled over. I was doing the thing that had the least impact for him, not for me. So I called him up . . .
It's the why of the caseload that matters. Maybe ten years ago I started yearning for the chance to talk to fifteen-year-old me. Tell me it was all going to work out, tell me that the problems I was dealing with resolved okay, tell me that despite it all I fuckin' made it. It took me another eight years to realize that every orphan I'd taken under my wing as Reddit/Hubski's Father Confessor wasn't benefiting from my altruism, they were serving as proxies for my teenaged self. Which is not to say they didn't benefit. I doubt these relationships would exist if they weren't mutually beneficial. But the benefit to myself was obscured in a heavy blanket of adolescent fog-of-war. Explaining to others allows you to clarify your ideas for yourself. Tending to others can be a form of self-care. There are probably social workers who aren't emotional basket cases but I haven't met them; ultimately I have an easier time caring for others because their value is self-evident while my own well-being is near zero.
I don't quite understand the last sentence. Do you mean that you have an easier time caring for others when you are feeling shaky about yourself -- because what you are saying to them or helping them with helps strengthen you -- if that's it, then, yes, I see that. I also agree that we do get something out of the friendships that seem like work. On some days, that person might be just the one to get us out on a walk.