It dawned upon me some time ago that, as much as I want an intimate relationship in my life, I'm never going to get it, so there's no reason to bother. I'm not a pleasant man to be around unless you already know me well enough to stay. It took me a while to recognize that the barrier is not one most people dare traverse, and it's none easily movable. It would take being someone else to become more appealing, and integrity is not something I'm willing to trade for a company of another person. There's a certain melancholy to it. I may never become a parent — something I've been dreaming about for years. I may never find someone to spend private time with. There's also recognition that that's simply how things are; it's nobody's fault. I'm not refusing meeting someone. I just recognize that intimacy has such low probability in my life that I shouldn't consider it. I'm okay with that. I've been alone for years, except for the bright light some time back. It's not so bad. This realization made me much calmer. I don't have to worry about whether they like me anymore. I don't have to pretend for someone else's benefit. I don't have to force a conversation I don't need. If there's nothing to come from it anyway, there's nothing I have to put into it. It has also made being good to people easier. If you don't have to worry about how people may react to your kindness or help (which aren't necessarily the same thing), all you're left with is the good faith to act upon. ROSA Storylining comes along at a slow and steady pace. Rosa is a different story from anything I've ever planned or written: it's a big project that I can actually tackle. kleinbl00 may hate NaNoWriMo with his guts — not without a good reason — but me, it helped get over the anxiety of putting words onto virtual paper, and I apprecaite it for that. Disengaging it from NaNoWriMo makes the project much bigger, with possibilities running amok. I'm considering shifting the nature of things to the way I initially envisioned it, making it a more surreal and personal experience. Roadside Picnic, from which I draw inspiration, has ended on a very personal note — a contrast to subverting a world-threatening event common to science fiction and fantasy stories. The conflict of the story is always my biggest concern, because I can't seem to weave it in. I have distinct characters in their very own environments that simulate a different reality as well as I can imagine it, but the plot, aside from certain points that I want to have happened, is beyond me. I love the characters but can't seem to find a good place for them.
I thnk your attitude towards the relationship might be flawed. Putting yourself out there includes offering something to a relationship, an investment or a sacrifice. Im not sure how friendship/intimacy compromises integrity, unless your partner is a tribal warlord or a malicious Ponzi scheme operator. I think its possible that you mean by integrity is actually the vulnerability involved in seeking a relationship, not to mention the vulnerability of committing to one. You gotta get a little out of your comfort zone to get funky. Source: my roommate snuck a handle of Tito’s in through campus security.integrity is not something I'm willing to trade for a company of another person.
I used to think that in order to be appreciated, I have to go out of my way to be someone else — someone other people want to see in me. I thought I had to be funny, clever, helpful, non-offensive, doing well academically, never saying "no" to anyone... I'm not saying I need not change or grow. I'm not saying I don't need to be open with people. I'm also not saying I want to leech off my relationships and provide nothing. I'm saying I'm no longer comfortable with pretending to be someone I'm not. There's a list of things I can give someone in a relationship. If they like me for what I am and I enjoy their company, we might have a good time. Otherwise, I'd rather invest work into making or improving something.