So. I've already written most of what I feel on Reddit. Figured there were some things I couldn't put there, even though the tone of the post was honesty and sincerity.
I've only had a good birthday once: two years ago, when I managed to spend a whole day (5 AM waking up -> bus station -> 9 AM arrival -> 1 AM next day home) in Novosibirsk, which I fell in love with. It was also the only birthday I've organized by myself, for myself. The rest were made by my parents for the extended family which I could never find in myself to care about.
It was always a family gathering rather than a celebration - as in, it was mostly about people getting to chat about how bad things were, eat and drink. People would come, give me a few words of "grow big, don't be noodles" (a saying that rhymes in Russian) and a pack of generic gifts (shower gel, socks etc. or money) and proceed to the table.
Perhaps, this lack of attention in what was framed as a "very special day" indeed has made it very special. I want it to be special - and I want to spend it with people I care about, because it matters a lot to me.
But I can't. I've pushed away people in my life in the last few years, and now I have no one I can come to. I've been reaching out to people this year, but it doesn't seem to work because I'm a broken human being who wants to be loved but stays away from those who can provide that love because it would fucking hurt if that's taken away suddenly again. That's what you get from being raised by a narcissist.
So I'm sitting here, in my apartment, alone, feeding myself shit I've bought because it's a "special day" and I can allow myself anything I want. There's no one I can reach out to - or, it feels like it, because in the moments like this - lonely, depressed, dried out without even working - I feel like a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to reach out.
Things have been growing increasingly bleak for the last couple of months, ever since the freshmen I was helping said "We don't need you", for no particular reason. To have only my family tell me "Happy Birthday" is... crushing.
at the risk of crushing you metaphorically - Happy Birthday. It seems like not long ago you had made some very bleak public commitments... and you've come through that. You'll get through this as well. You're not alone... we're all here too. I could fill in a bunch of encouraging bullshit here... but I know what it's like for people to sat a bunch of crap to try and make me "feel better" when I'm down. We all are... but we can be fixed. We're here man.... we're here.So I'm sitting here, in my apartment, alone
I'm a broken human being
For one, Happy Birthday. Read through your reddit post, and you make sense to me. If you'd like advice, then it's backtracking and continuing to pursue friendships or past friendships. The only thing harder than trying to get what you want is getting what you want. For me, if the first option is all the more scary, then my route was to seek out clubs and forcing myself to attend to meet people. I empathize with your perception of freshmen rejecting you as hurtful. I know that role as a mentor meant a lot to you on so many levels. If anything, a mentor will keep coming back to eventually become a friend. Their rejection turns into an opportunity for your relationship to grow onto equal footing. Finally, Assuming these people are your family, or even anyone in general, so long as they smile and congratulate you - whether it's superficial or not - isn't that all that matters? Even outside the context of it being your birthday? That's where relationships have room to grow, and sometimes where they start. For most of this year there's been a girl in my class I've been crushing on but haven't talked to until I forced myself to now that it's the end of the semester. With 2 weeks to go, I guarantee any form of communication that started (and occurred) between us was anything but superficial. It will build from there so long as you show interest in who they are and reciprocate any forthcoming gestures. Usually, initiating them repeatedly can set a good tone. Don't ask me about where we are now with that girl... but I hope the example for one was something. Also, in my experience, the best thing I can do for myself is taking a walk when I'm in a long funk. From your reddit post, it seems you and I both have considerable trouble getting out of our own headspace... as well as roomspace at times like these. Getting out at least brings a change of scenery as well as fresher air, if anything.I find myself less and less capable of doing something I enjoy, or doing something productive at all.
reading takes energy, and taking a walk across the city - the only option remotely appealing - is also beyond my reach right now.
I've pushed away people in my life in the last few years, and now I have no one I can come to. I've been reaching out to people this year, but it doesn't seem to work
I want it to be special - and I want to spend it with people I care about, because it matters a lot to me.
It's always been a special day: a point in time when things could be about myself for once - something I can't allow to happen most of the time. People would come and smile to me and congratulate me, and it doesn't matter that the reason is superficial.
I'm dreading my upcoming birthday for the same reason, I've spent a lot of the past 5 years pushing people away. I can't tell you it gets better, because my last birthday was very much like so, but I will tell you this- 1. The brain paths for loneliness and pain are in similar areas of the brain. Some ibuprophen will help with that. 2. Now that I think about it, my last birthday was fine, even though I didn't really have any friends back then. My parents messaged me, I went out to get tacos by myself, and they were damn good tacos. I'm pretty sure I had those tacos later in the week as well, so they're not special or anything. But birthdays have the weird effect of importance on the most mundane things. 3. I spent my 18th birthday driving 20 miles to a cliff by the ocean to sit in my car and cry. Now that I look back at it, it was a very important time in my life, and I'm pretty sure that that was the few times I've ever cried because I finally looked at my life, not because of a movie or song I've listened to. Maybe someday you'll look back on today with a different light. 4. Happy birthday. I wrote you a limerick: There once was a fanficguy Who stared longingly into the sky It was his birthday And all he could say Was "why oh why oh why?"