I'm dreading my upcoming birthday for the same reason, I've spent a lot of the past 5 years pushing people away. I can't tell you it gets better, because my last birthday was very much like so, but I will tell you this-

1. The brain paths for loneliness and pain are in similar areas of the brain. Some ibuprophen will help with that.

2. Now that I think about it, my last birthday was fine, even though I didn't really have any friends back then. My parents messaged me, I went out to get tacos by myself, and they were damn good tacos. I'm pretty sure I had those tacos later in the week as well, so they're not special or anything. But birthdays have the weird effect of importance on the most mundane things.

3. I spent my 18th birthday driving 20 miles to a cliff by the ocean to sit in my car and cry. Now that I look back at it, it was a very important time in my life, and I'm pretty sure that that was the few times I've ever cried because I finally looked at my life, not because of a movie or song I've listened to. Maybe someday you'll look back on today with a different light.

4. Happy birthday. I wrote you a limerick:

There once was a fanficguy

Who stared longingly into the sky

It was his birthday

And all he could say

Was "why oh why oh why?"