You sure are good at finding articles that make you think the sky is falling, aren't you? So I've never used Tinder. Probably never will. I sunset on the dating scene back when Match.com on dialup was state-of-the-art. But I've spent a lot of time counseling people, hanging out with friends, and observing this brave new world of dating. I've said it before and I'll say it again: all these apps and trends and fads and what-have-yous are about meeting, not dating. The analogy is not apt; Tinder is hot-or-not.com is, as 'Ben summarizes, bone or don't. The oppression of choice is all about the ability to compare fifteen different models across 27 metrics on seven websites, four of which offer free shipping but three of which take Paypal when the fact of the matter is, if you schlepped your ass down to Best Buy and laid hands on it, you'd discover that the remote feels like it was assembled out of returned hair dryer parts by the mentally handicapped in Bangalore. What's happening is we're surrounding ourselves by a million different mediated experiences instead of actually experiencing choice. Who the fuck says Tinder knows what you should look for in a girl? Tinder and only Tinder. Who the fuck says Amazon knows what you should look for in a toaster? Amazon and only Amazon. But since there's no way to appify the way a pair of headphones fits on your skull, you'll spend 45 minutes cross-referencing head-fi.org with Amazon with Crutchfield with Consumer Reports with Reddit in order to buy a brand you've never heard of before (and then another 30 researching whether burn-in is real) when prior to the Internet you would have gone to Fry's and paid for the ones from a brand you trust in a color you like. Dating is no different. There is no secret sauce. No metrics to be found that will measure whether or not you'll click with someone. It's entirely about how you collaborate and to do that, you'd best start interacting in a non-mediated environment. What the Internet has brought to the table - when it comes to human experience, or things that face the human experience - is a dizzying array of mediated pseudoenvironments to postpone the interaction you actually want. No wonder that the people trapped in those pseudoenvironments bemoan the lack of interaction... and hearken back to the glory days when they didn't "have" to use Tinder and the like. So much easier to blame the interface than recognize that it only ever gets you to the first date anyway, try not to take it so seriously.
It's my one and only talent. Disclaimer, I don't use Tinder at this point, but have been feeling very overwhelmed by technology and virtual interactions and constant connectivity. I'm exactly the person who does this: and it's exhausting but at the same time, in this instance, I want to feel like my money was well spent. When it comes to dating I'd like to feel like my time was well spent. I guess it comes down to not wanting to waste anything unless it's something I want to do. Meanwhile you have 5031 dating sites, 31905151351 review sites, and maybe 10 people who have a clue what they're talking about. We need to scale back.You sure are good at finding articles that make you think the sky is falling, aren't you?
you'll spend 45 minutes cross-referencing head-fi.org with Amazon with Crutchfield with Consumer Reports with Reddit in order to buy a brand you've never heard of before (and then another 30 researching whether burn-in is real)
Here's a good way to know if your dating time is well spent: Find a place you enjoy. Go there. Introduce yourself to the people who work there (bartenders, waitresses, managers, whoever), and become a regular. Notice the other people who are around you. Notice that there are others who come here often as well. Introduce yourself. Share an appetizer. Recognize them next time they are there. Wave. Say hi. Ask about that thing you talked about over the appetizer last time you talked. And guess what? You have just met someone with similar interests, and not a bit of technology was used.
Yes. This is how you meet friends, AND potential dating partners. I don't Tinder, but in the past 2 years I've made a lot of friends and dated (for a month or more; not just gone on "one date with") like, 4 separate people. Go to a place and become a regular. Don't like drinking? Find other activities. I know of 2 regular poetry workshops in my area I could go to. Don't like that? Pick up a physical activity like running and start doing local 5ks with regularity. You will meet people. Some of them will even be cute and single and of a gender to which you are attracted.
(_refugee_ too) Y'all are certainly helping with refining how I'm feeling. Is there a such thing as social exhaustion from meeting people? Because, despite the tech thing, there are three days of the week where I'm involved with three separate organizations/places/whatever that have been a completely offline way of meeting folks, and yet, at the same time meeting people in general feels like a chore and the same path of events and discussions. Maybe living in 5 places in 3.5 years and going through this process time and time again filled with meeting people and short term relationships has taken some of the fun out of it. And I'm only interested in certain demographics of people as far as relationships go, and friends for that matter. Both of which are more of personal problems than anything else.
Ya know... I think I'm reading something between the lines in your comments... I don't think you are "whole" right now. And you can't be a good partner to someone, unless you are first good to yourself. Moving 5 times in 3+ years is a BIG sign. It takes TIME to get settled in. To figure out who you are in this new place. To find your rhythms. And you can dance with someone else until you can figure out your own rhythms. I think maybe you are pushing it too hard. Rushing into something that you know you aren't going to be completely committed to, and therefore self-sabotaging. BUT. I think you are doing the right things. Settling in. Doing the three-days-a-week stuff. Making friends. Being YOU. So be YOU for a while. Get comfortable. Only then will you become someone that others want to snuggle with. (All meant in good spirit. No abuse/jibes intended.)
Thanks goobster, definitely no jibes felt. I think you're completely right. The best part is I'm likely to move again in a few months (staying the same region, but still). The cycle of move or do something new - make friends - keep friends for a period of time - repeat is a lot more draining that I thought it would be, and, to be clear on the last point there are people who to snuggle with me at this point in time but not entirely sure where I'm at mentally to be doing like that.
People with a similar level of interest in music and local artist, musicians, and local culture, mostly. Chances are if a person has enough of a passion to be involved small and local, they'll have some of the same values as me. In the process that shuts out a lot of people though but eh. That was nondescript but I'm apparently the only person with the viewpoint I've been trying to express and I'm tired of trying to articulate things right now.
Great. Perfect. Endorse this idea completely. Where I think you're going off the rails is in allowing an external application to place a value judgement on how you spend your time. If you are spending your time on their dating sites to evaluate the people they think you should be into, you are not spending your time wisely.When it comes to dating I'd like to feel like my time was well spent.