There are likely many college age students that would love for their parents to pick them out an apartment. I'm not trying to be rude, but perhaps the best thing your parents could do for you is to cut you off. You don't seem to have any appreciation for money. My guess is after a few months on your own you'd be happy for your parents to pick out and pay for an apartment for you, hell, you would likely let them pick out the curtains. I asked my parents for help with rent in college and some months they could and others I was on my own. I missed out on a lot of time for studying and socializing because I worked two jobs. Be grateful.Fucking come on! I'm 20, and they are gonna tell me where to live? They have barely any investment in the place anyway - they're paying for it, that's it
-oh "that's it," there just paying for it.
This comment is offensive as death to someone who grew up with a narcissist. "How dare you hate someone for beating you every time you made a mistake? You should just take it and be happy someone is allowing you to live at all." Id sooner be dead than grateful. And im an accomplished chemist, not a kid heading into college. Parents do not always have their children's best interest at heart, and to suggest that this is all in his head is condescending and the primary reason children get stuck taking the abuse. I also had to pay my way through college, and I now have a phd. That was piss easy compared to standing the abuse. You really have no frame of reference here.
"How dare you hate someone for beating you every time you made a mistake? You should just take it and be happy someone is allowing you to live at all."
-Not sure who you are quoting there, but it's certainly not me. to suggest that this is all in his head is condescending and the primary reason children get stuck taking the abuse.
Please show me where I said this was all in his head. I also had to pay my way through college, and I now have a phd.
Great. You really have no frame of reference here.
If you read the conversation I had with OP you will see that I say as much.
I believe Joilnt is quoting the narcissist who 'raised' them. But I've got to say their gaining a PhD through their own efforts really is great -- a person raised in such a toxic environment is going to have severe doubts and anxiety about whether they will be able to achieve this themselves, so having anecdotal evidence to support that it is even possible can be very helpful.
For what - the money? My parents have been judging me my whole life. They have little respect for me. They've never accepted me for what I am, never congratulated me on achieving things that don't matter to them. Straight A grades? Good. A single B grade? Why didn't you apply yourself? Why didn't you get an A? A new story? Why do you even spend time with that shit? Better go play with the kids outside; so what that you don't feel accepted there? For them, I'm a living doll; they play me to fulfill their dreams of the life they could have had. It's not to say that they owe me the money, or that them paying is some kind of payback for what they did. It is some kind of worth back for me. The reason I'm still where I am is that I don't have the nerve, the experience or knowledge and the energy to go out daring the crap out of my life and working anywhere I can, no matter how shitty the job. If they didn't pay, I'd see no reason to stay here: anything would be better than that crap; even if I'd fail miserably, at least it would be my fault, to which I got on my own. You probably have no idea how much it means to me to do things on my own after such treatment. Doing things on my own pays better emotional dividents than being paid for; being bought. A fucking ugly thing to do from any parent: buy children with toys and candies, instead of connecting with them, spending quality time with them, accepting them and trying to understand them the best you can. Why does it matter, right? Money will buy everything!.. I'd give away everything in my possession just to be able to spend one day with my parents that won't be filled with the critique uncalled for, the constant bickering, the mutual disrespect each of us's causing with our behavior by reacting to another's words and actions... That they pay for my education is a consolation prize. So yes, I don't appreciate money. I don't give a shit about it. Money is just a resource to support one's living in the capitalist society. And yes, maybe it would be best if they did cut me off. Maybe that's what I want, secretly, and don't have the balls to go for. The times where I had to find and make food instead of complaining about "not eating that shit" were great. Maybe that's what I want but am taking what I have instead because that's easier. They can do it, too, but they chose not to, despite threatening me with eviction and putting me into an orphanage quite a few times. Was there something else I had to be grateful for? EDIT: This came out to be too angry. It's past midnight here, I had a list of disappointing interactions with people all around the globe in the span of a few hours and I'm still cooling off from writing the post.Be grateful.
I think that you would benefit greatly from sitting down and asking your parents to have an adult conversation with you. Let them know the things you just wrote. As for the question, "what should I be grateful for and for,"?- food, shelter, a good education these are all things that many people don't have. It's easy, even for me at age 38, to forget that my parents are fallible, people. But they are. Kids don't come with a handbook. It's likely your parents are trying their best and think they're doing right by you. My guess is that any damage being done isn't intentional. It's likely their parents treated them similarly and that was their only inclination as to "how to" parent. They're people. Sit down with them and talk to them calmly, with notes in front of you of what you'd like to discuss. Act like an adult and perhaps they'll treat you like one. Communicate with them. Take the high road. You be the adult that you wish they were. Good luck.
I get what you're saying, and I think you're right: it is the best way to solve any misunderstanding and any problem - through calm, meaningful communication. That being said... No doubt. But I've fallen too many time into the trap of thinking that we bear the same values, or even nearly the same. All they care about is things and status that they give. I don't give a shit about that, nor do I want to. I'll be glad to sleep on the floor, because I like it. I'll be glad to spend all my money on a journey that won't be easy, or comfortable, in order to learn to fend off for myself, to get to know other countries in ways no tourist bus will ever show. They don't understand it, and neither do they want to. To them, it's just another silly idea of mine; I can't know what's better for me, because they do, and they won't give me the room to try even to see me fail and poke me with it later, which is what they like to do. Maybe your parents were good people - I hope they were. Even if they did make some mistakes - I hope they didn't, and I can't know whether they did - you could probably discern good intentions behind them and communicate using those common channels. You can't do this with my parents even if you try. Some people get a crappy card dealt to them. They're stubborn bigots who don't care about anything or anyone but themselves much. To them, I'm what they call "I had no choice". Yeah, maybe they gave me things and fed me with money, but I don't give a shit about it; never did, and tried to communicate it - to no avail. I'd be happier living poorly but with people who care about me and who give me a reason to care about them (just being well-meaning parents would be enough). If you could grant me that, I'd give everything I own to you (even though it's going to take a lot of mail). I understand that you mean well, and I wish our first conversation wasn't kicking each other in the shins (is that the spelling?). I appreciate that. But you don't know my situation. I can't solve it or make it better: I have to get out of it. I've got plenty of advices from people here on how to do that, and I'm going to do just that.Sit down with them and talk to them calmly
It's likely your parents are trying their best and think they're doing right by you.
I wrote a more thoughtful reply but had poor cell service and lost it when posting. In my original comment I mentioned that communication would likely help here. Asking your parents to sit down and have a conversation about your future. Saying to them, "I really appreciate your help in paying for my apartment. That said, I have some things that are important to me regarding where I live. Can we discuss this? I would like to be part of the process." Still, I stand by me original comment. He would benefit from some hard knocks.