It's adultery if you say it is.

In my world however, thoughtcrime isn't - well - a crime.

Yesterday the guy I'm currently seeing("Dude") found a poem I'd accidentally left at his house the other night. I think I upended my purse. It's a very sexy poem, that one that he found. Unfortunately, it's not about Dude. It's actually about Dude's coworker, who I cough had a sex dream about a few months ago. I had a sex dream about this coworker, yup, and I simultaneously loathe him. So the poem was a great big sexy amalgam of like, "I hate you, but, we had really fabulous sex in my dream." Once I realized I'd dropped the poem at Dude's house, I was a little worried it would bother him...while simultaneously rolling my eyes about it, because after all, I first wrote the poem in April, I believe strongly in poetry as fiction and in writing as a personal outlet. I was hoping Dude was secure enough and smart enough to know and see all this...

...and the happy ending of the story is that he was!

A relationship where you cannot acknowledge and accept that your partner will at times desire others, or even just other kinds of sex, is not a good one, in my mind. Porn is a way to fulfill a desire for more "variety," as well as freedom to do what one wants with one's own body (i.e., masturbate) that I do not think it is right to deny someone, especially when you are in a romantic, monogamous relationship.

I spend a lot of time in r/relationships eating popcorn. That means that over time, I've watched a whole lot of discussions about what's porn, what's not porn, what's passing the line. In general, the line that I've come to agree with is as follows:

- is the person a paid or amateur porn-er and that is how the person viewing the porn knows that person? AKA is it "strictly professional"? and it's on a screen? then it's okay

- does the viewer actually know, in person, the person(s) whose nudie bits they're seeing? then it crosses a line

- is it in person? are all clothes coming off? then it's crossing a line. Whether you're watching or touching, the in-person physical presence of another certainly ratchets up the level of intimacy and potential for harm - if you're "just paying to watch," but it's alone in a hotel room like Spitzer, then who can say you're really just paying to watch? if it's a strip club, that's gonna be YMMV territory. i would only hope if anyone in a relationship is going to a strip club they have talked to their partner(s) and made sure that this is okay with the partners or if not ok at least accepted.

I don't find any sort of pornographic image/video/material to constitute adultery, quite frankly. Without attempting to give too much information, I have a particular fetish that's very much impossible to recreate in the real world. It is very much the primary source of arousal for me, to the point that any sexual conduct results in the gradual tapering of arousal well before any sort of mutual satisfaction is reached. In my previous relationship, I sat down and talked with my partner about it, and we established that it's a-ok for me to browse around and resort to solo play. Naturally I also did my best to accommodate them as well, but that was out of care for their needs, not my own.

I don't see it as a "tool of the patriarchy" or "inherently exploiting women"; on the other hand, I don't consume mainstream pornography and don't care for videos. I'm not innately connected to the standard practices of production for standard hardcore pornography. Insofar as I'm concerned, porn is a tool for self-exploration: it allows fantasies and wants and kinks that one may not be able to explore with a partner (or even possibly perform at all). It sates the urges and can be used to hone in on what makes one's sex drive tick. But hey, that's just me!

Thanks for sharing. The article was interesting, and I'm honestly curious as to what the 'ski thinks on the matter. Not many places you can get a rational discussion on something like this. :)

It seems to me this is the sort of thing that adults should work out as a couple rather than an individual trying to manufacture culture that suits the author's sexual landscape.