Hello! I know, I have been a virtual ghost. Thank you everyone who's shouted out to me on anything and or messaged me, etc. I have looked at everything, I have probably not read all of it or even most, but I have gotten in bits here and there. So why have I been so gosh-darned busy that my activity on Hubski has (probably actually for the first time ever) been noticeably - inactive? WELL! Within the past 7 days, I've: - Moved (exactly 1 week ago) - Dropped my one and only big brother off at the airport so he could move to Portland, OR, a place I have never been to. (exactly 1 week ago) - Said goodbye to my favorite erstwhile bartender/sometime crush, who is moving to LA - Had the worst hangover of my life (day after bartender's going away party) - Walked on average 12,800-odd steps a day (peak: 19585; low is in the 8000s I think) - Signed up for yoga classes that someone bought me a gift certificate for like, 5 years ago - Actually finally put up a Kenning Journal blog post again - Showed a little backbone to my parents and sister (on separate occasions, but which was very needed) - Cooked a guy a really nice dinner I mean, other things in there as well. But basically I've been radio silent because I have been busy, busy, busy. And walking, walking, walking. Hopefully it'll be good for my head and my body and also that aggressive thing we've talked about on and off - natch? The new house is in a lovely wooded area slightly removed from my favorite town ever, which is eminently walkable. The location is amazing. My roommates? Not so much. They are 2 confirmed gay bachelor men. I know for sure one is a slob. I have a sinking suspicion that the other one is, too. My cat is still adjusting so that's been stressful too - there's been an amount of second-guessing myself about this move. However, in the long run, I think it will be amazing. The location is just spectacular, I will get these men whipped into shape/afraid of me/to wash their dishes within a reasonable time after dirtying them, and I keep reminding myself that I made the very conscious choice (though not perhaps phrased exactly this way) of freedom over luxury. Living with my parents was very easy in many ways. Comparatively, it truly was a luxurious way of life - they have a biweekly maid, for instance, so cleaning just was never an issue. And a dishwasher. And my queen-size bed didn't fill up about 1/3 of the room. BUT, I always felt I had to operate within their parameters. And the truth was that if I didn't - if I tried to just ignore "what they might think" and do what I wanted, like wear certain clothing, eat certain food at certain times, make certain food, buy things, etc - they would immediately begin to try and check my behavior via critical comments, etc. And yes, words never stopped nobody who really wanted something but I just god-damned didn't want to have to think about their opinions any more. If I wanted to buy a bottle of wine and make myself a nice fat "treat" dinner, I'd either have to deal with their comments ("Oh, steak, eh? How expensive was that?" "Oh, that's really rare. Are you sure you like it that rare? Mm. I couldn't eat that" "Did you make some for me?") and/or expectations about my actions - like that I would buy enough and make enough for all 3 of us, etc. I was really tired of my mom giving unsolicited and negative feedback about the clothes that I like to wear. (She hates my favorite shirt.) I just constantly felt burdened and under scrutiny at their house, while also wanting to maintain a positive relationship and therefore not just be like "FUCK YOU!" I've also become convinced it's simply not possible to have an adult relationship with your parents while you are living in their house. (I don't think my parents know how to try to have an adult relationship with me.) The kicker is that as I was moving out my mom commented that I could/should just stay and that she thought "I'd be fine staying at home for another 18 months before I go to grad school." While it's gratifying to know that I kept my cool about the whole situation with them, it also struck me that of course the king and queen of the castle wouldn't be able to understand why their underlings might really want to skip town! When you are benefitting from the oppression of others, (yes oppression is a strong word, but I can't find a better one right now) you often don't realize it and also completely don't understand why things need to change, or even why your underlings are unhappy with you. BECAUSE YOU'RE SITTING ON THE DING-DANG THRONE. This has become an unintended rant. I could go on. I could rant to you about my sister, too, but the truth is? I'm pretty happy, pretty positive, feeling pretty good about myself and hoping for/shooting for better. I managed to snag OftenBen on IRC last night and congratulate him. Hopefully I will have more OC, blog posts, and even not-by-me posts to share with you all soon. It has been crazy, crazy busy - but all in very good ways. I think this shall be a lovely summer. (At my new house I have already seen/heard: foxes, raccoons, several neighborhood cats, goslings, and deer. In ONE week. :D )
"am_Unition, what are you doing?" "Making cinnamon rolls." "But it's after 10 pm. The kitchen is closed." "Why is the kitchen closed?" "Because it wakes us up when you're in here making noise." "Well, why don't you close your door? I closed it for you a couple nights ago." "Yes, I remember, and we don't like that. We like to know what's going on in the house." "What's going on is that I was trying to eat, but now... fuck you guys, I'm out." I packed up the essentials and left that night, stayed with a coworker for a few months while I scraped together a couple roommates to rent a place with. It wouldn't have helped if I'd payed rent to my parents, either. That was all five years ago. No regrets. And you won't regret this either.I've also become convinced it's simply not possible to have an adult relationship with your parents while you are living in their house.
Their shoes could be left under the table, in front of the couch, and so on - for a while dad had a line of shoes about 2 ft in front of the couch - but god if I left my laptop out on a table with dad's laptop, guess who would find it with a pair of shoes on top and the cord unplugged on top as well? Or "put away" in my room for me. I mean, I get it, after being parents for so long you're used to being the dominating force in the house, and yes you own the house and yes you have every right to fall asleep on the couch every night but tell me I should be going to bed if it's 11ish, but it is absolutely child treatment. My mom smelled pot on me once and didn't yell at me and I think that was a proud moment for her of her being an adult and letting me make my own choices and recognizing they weren't the same as hers and I wasn't doing it in her house etc. Like, I think she thinks about that moment and is like "We have a real adult relationship! I let _ref_ do things I don't necessarily like! I am not a nag!" when really it's like, sure, you let one 'big' thing go when every single little thing is still CHILD/PARENT full force. I came back after moving out this past weekend to pick up remaining things. My parents chose to use this as an opportunity to begin a (short) conversation like thus: "You owe us rent for the last month, because you didn't move out when we thought you were going to. When are we going to see that? Also, you owe us $50 more because you used that $50 credit that has been sitting on a store account for 5 years because we literally never go to that store," (yes, we had discussed me using that $50 before I used it, and it'd been fine at the time) "because we decided that this summer, we are finally going to go there and use it. We'd like cash?" That was how they began. We don't need to go into how I told them I was moving mid-month and I moved out the 20th; we don't need to go into how they asked me to stay until my brother left because they knew he'd be bored. We don't need to go into how my parents are never going to go to that store and no, they don't deserve $50 cash and yes, if they bring it up again I'm going to offer to give them a credit on their account so they can use it when they get there. What just really makes me seethe is there was no "Hey, so, we were thinking, you did stay with us for half of May. Do you think you could give us half the rent money? We understand that you just moved and maybe don't have an extra few hundred in your budget right now, so let's talk about how we can work something out." There was no rational, adult discussion that you would have with someone who you wanted to see your side and have a good conflict management experience with. There was just, "We decided you owe us this, pay up stat." I said it would've been nice if we could have a negotiation or something. My dad said "OK, you owe us 2*$xxx. How's that for a negotiation?" I don't live there and they can't make me pay shit. I said "All righty then" and walked away to get the things I'd come to get. We chatted a little more before I left. They didn't bring up the money again - then. We'll see how it goes when they do. But it's kind of fucking bullshit. It's especially bullshit they are doing this to me after I have moved out. I feel a little extorted.
Just be like, "Hey guys, can't wait to get that $50 back after you die". No, wait, don't say that unless you're caught in a nuke strike that they called in. That pot story is something straight out of my late teenage years. It happened just like that, verbatim. I hadn't analyzed it as thoroughly as you did, so thanks for tying up those loose ends. I'm terrified at the prospect of someone as fallible as me parenting. Birth control is definitely one of my favorite things.
i feel this so hard. just got back from 20 days at the parents' place in california. i will never stay longer than that though. last summer i took a summer job back home because the money and the experience were very promising. living under my parents for 3 months after being 2000 miles away for 4 years was excruciating. it was like i was 16 again. EVERYTHING caused a fight, especially religion. this time wasn't as bad though because 1 week of the trip was spent in bed recovering from gallbladder surgery and 1 other week was spent in SoCal which left 6 days to actually fully interact with each other which went just fine.
I have written you a hugely long response post and saved in draft because all I have done on Hubski today is write hugely ridiculously long posts and mostly about parents and "blah blah blah" and while I will clearly write it out all day long I am not really sure how much it contributes to a discussion, vs. perhaps hogs the attention in a little "woe is me"-ish way. So I am sitting on it. I will let it rest until the morning.
i think it's totally cool to post long rambly things in the pub. isn't that what pubs are for? aside from going mimosa-mimosa with each other ;)