intense feelings of inferiority and worry about the future have washed up on my shore. What am I doing with my life? how can I succeed? How will i be able to negotiate transition with my chosen career? Does applying to a doctorate imply my failure? Does thinking about and worrying abut failure mean I have already failed?
well, I'm not in the best of moods after a truly horrendous orchestral rehearsal (in which i was having one of those days where you just like, forget how to play your instrument), but I'll attempt a few answers. Much of my fears of insecurity and inferiority are coming from my upcoming post-grad auditions. I have a lesson with a potential teacher tomorrow, in fact. I often feel very, very behind in some areas when compared to others on my academic level. I really feel like my orchestral playing (especially excerpts, which are standard for job auditions) is sub-par in comparison to other graduate students. Considering it's almost impossible to make it as a bass soloist, I find my lack of orchestral chops disturbing. I'm also considering applying for doctoral programs next year, after my post-grad "professional studies diploma". Now, normally going for a Doctorate is seen as being a good thing, but someone once told me that any musician going for their doctorate is a musician who failed to get a gig in an orchestra. They were perhaps a bit cynical, but not exactly wrong. I don't know any bassists in orchestras who have doctorates - masters degrees are more common, but even then not completely necessary. However, I am starting to feel a pull towards teaching at the post-secondary level. To do that and have a tenured position, it is almost necessary to have a doctorate. I also don't feel like I'm good enough to get a job in an orchestra. I am afraid to fail (just like every other human, i guess). I'm also afraid of my transition. I mean, I want to transition, and am on the road to HRT, but what does that mean for me in my career as a musician? will it hinder me when I go to apply for work? Will I end up getting a job somewhere where trans rights are nonexistent? Will I ever be able to "Pass" and just live my life? Idunno man.
Thanks for your answers sp00ns. You definitely are coping with a lot and your questions are the biggest ones. The questions really grabbed my attention. People who say that a musician going for a PhD is a musician who failed to get a gig in an orchestra sound like people who have nothing better to do than make judgements based on prejudice and stupidity. Teaching is nothing to apologize for. I've just been reading a little book called Do the Work. It's essentially about all the obstacles that stop people from going after big ideas. As for being able to pass and live your life - that would be a wonderful thing. People do. I hope you are talking to them. What am I doing with my life? how can I succeed? How will i be able to negotiate transition with my chosen career? Does applying to a doctorate imply my failure?What am I doing with my life?
Most of life is probably searching for an answer to that question. How can I succeed?
At least you want to succeed. You're striving and trying to go to the limits of your talent, and trying to find an identity that matches your self-perception.Does thinking about and worrying abut failure mean I have already failed?
Not at all - it's more evidence of caring, striving, and achieving. At the moment, it seems your definitions of "success" and "failure" are related to success in the world of performance music, success in the eyes of critics, recruiters, and others. Over time, I imagine success and failure will have a broader definition - but your ambitions are good ones and worth trying for.
thanks for the book recommendation. it'll be at my house by friday.