well, I'm not in the best of moods after a truly horrendous orchestral rehearsal (in which i was having one of those days where you just like, forget how to play your instrument), but I'll attempt a few answers.

Much of my fears of insecurity and inferiority are coming from my upcoming post-grad auditions. I have a lesson with a potential teacher tomorrow, in fact. I often feel very, very behind in some areas when compared to others on my academic level. I really feel like my orchestral playing (especially excerpts, which are standard for job auditions) is sub-par in comparison to other graduate students. Considering it's almost impossible to make it as a bass soloist, I find my lack of orchestral chops disturbing.

I'm also considering applying for doctoral programs next year, after my post-grad "professional studies diploma". Now, normally going for a Doctorate is seen as being a good thing, but someone once told me that any musician going for their doctorate is a musician who failed to get a gig in an orchestra. They were perhaps a bit cynical, but not exactly wrong. I don't know any bassists in orchestras who have doctorates - masters degrees are more common, but even then not completely necessary.

However, I am starting to feel a pull towards teaching at the post-secondary level. To do that and have a tenured position, it is almost necessary to have a doctorate. I also don't feel like I'm good enough to get a job in an orchestra. I am afraid to fail (just like every other human, i guess).

I'm also afraid of my transition. I mean, I want to transition, and am on the road to HRT, but what does that mean for me in my career as a musician? will it hinder me when I go to apply for work? Will I end up getting a job somewhere where trans rights are nonexistent? Will I ever be able to "Pass" and just live my life?

Idunno man.