A short digression on the etiquette of first dates. Do you have any transgressions you want to share?
So in the Golden Age of Match.com (2001-2003) I made a deal with myself - I wouldn't give them any money, but I'd go out on at least one (1) date with any girl who approached me. This took mere weeks, actually, before I had a date with a girl who had no picture. The plan was to meet her at her place and figure out next steps; her place was downtown, in a condo with a lovely view of the Space Needle, but the inside was kind of like a polyester explosion that hadn't been vacuumed in a couple months. I briefly met a gay male roommate who glared at me, and we started walking (I had a car but she didn't and was only used to her local sphere of influence). We wound up going for a dyke bar (that charged cover on a tuesday) where buttery nipples were readily available but bourbon wasn't. So as I'm drinking my not-Bushmill's irish whiskey on the rocks, I'm trying to find out what the hell I've attached myself to that evening. It should be noted right off that she was unattractive. I was there only because of my cosmic bargain with myself. She was maybe 40lbs overweight, stringy black hair, and an inability to look me in the eyes. So - what does she do? She goes to school. She's in math right now. Like, calculus? No. Pre calc? No. Algebra? Algebra was a word she recognized; she mentioned that she was only five classes away from algebra. I tried to do the numbers in my head and deduced that she was currently making her way through Numbered Blocks 101 or possibly Carry The 4 200. So you're old enough that this isn't a right-outta-high-school adventure, I say (I was 26, she was a little older, I think). Well, yes, she says, she dropped out of high school and only recently got over a crippling crystal meth habit. Hmm. Best not discuss that. I'm not even sure how it came up - we discussed travel. She mentioned that she really liked New York City. Oh? And when were you in NYC? "wheniwasonrickilake" ...she says, and sips her green cocktail. Beg pardon? I say. "When I was on Ricki Lake." Now she looks me in the eye. As it turns out, she thought she'd been flown in for a makeover (don't they always). And she found herself on a show titled "I'm Your Gay Roommate And I Want You To Have My Baby."
So... you had a gay male roommate... and he wanted you to have his baby, I say. More than somewhat incredulously. "Have," she says. This was when? I ask. "About four months ago." Drained the whiskey. Tabbed out. Walked her back to her apartment. She invited me in - you can bet I had to work early the next morning. Roommate glared at me again. And I went home and had still more whiskey.
She called me two weeks later. She'd been laid off from her job in the call center at Qwest. She wondered if I had any leads for her.
Sir, you win. Everything. Forever. That said, I do have a tale told to me about a friend of a friend (no, really). He met this lady at a bar, they hit it off, and she invited him back to her place. He's very happy with this because he thinks he's going to get laid. When he walks in, the place has this eerie mood lighting and he can't see shit. He goes to sit down on the sofa when he realizes there's something already there. He jumps up and as his eyes adjust he makes out someone hooked up to feeding tubes and a ventilator. The lady must have noticed his surprise because she said, "What's the matter, haven't you seen a special needs child before?" It turns out she had this kid who she was keeping alive on all these machines so she could collect a welfare check from the government. At this point a trucker randomly shows up at the door and the lady lets him in. Our man is thoroughly freaked out at this point. As if the "special needs child" weren't bad enough, this trucker has turned up and it was never supposed to be a three-way deal. So he makes his excuses and gets the hell out of there, but as he's making his retreat the lady calls after him, "If the noise from the feeding tubes is bugging you, I can turn them off!"
Oh, I dunno, man. That right there sounds like something David Lynch and John Waters would come up with while waiting for David Cronenberg to get back from the beer run. There are actually three Match.com stories. I don't mind being happily married at all.
As someone who was not yet a teen at that point, and had no concept of online dating, what made that era the "golden age"?
"I'll roofie him, and hide his shoes just in case he wants to leave before it kicks in. Wait, which Sprite did I drop it in? I'm pretty sure it's that one... yeah, it must be that one." Long ago I had a habit of dressing everyone at a party in my clothes. It's a very weird feeling to see everyone in your wardrobe. I lost some great shirts that way.
Wait, which Sprite did I drop it in?
You are a very funny guy. I still giggle over this one liner you shot me some 125K hub-bits ago.
An old girlfriend of mine came to the last party that I threw. We're on good terms so it wasn't a big deal. She and a few of her friends had a fair amount to drink and at some point thought it'd be a good idea to raid my closet and wear my clothes for the rest of the evening. I didn't mind really. In fact it made me laugh. About four months later I ran into one of her friends on the street. We don't really know each other and it was one of those moments where you see the person coming your way and know that an exchange is inevitable. I could tell that both of us were trying to remember where we recognized each other from. Right when we both realized that the party was the connection, I could also see her inner monologue saying ...right, and I was wearing your clothes wasn't I...
I guess senior prom was technically a first date for me. I threw up quite a bit and passed out briefly in her friend's yard. In my defense, the party was insane. The Black Angels were there, still no idea why. Sheepishly returning my rented tux, hidden in a suit bag, to the store the next day, I subtly asked, "does it need to be in the same state it was when I rented it?" It didn't, actually. Thank god. Through astonishing good fortune, I've never met a girlfriend's parents. That could continue well into my 30s and I'd be fine with it. I'm dating you, not your damn family. She says "It's different for a girl turning 30"
He says "Is that a crack about me not maturing?
Cuz I'm just deferring the term, I'll be back in the spring
I'm just waiting for my break, got the cast in a sling"
He says "The queen is the back of her king"
But she's mad at her lack of a ring
She says "It better get bought
Quit playing games, you getting an ex off that Xbox
I love you boy but I need a man Peter Pan
Syndrome, ain't even been home to meet the fam
I was young, forgive me, but this happened. I went out on one date with a girl, we saw 21 Grams, and I absolutely did not get the vibe that she did not like me. I called her and despite getting her voicemail, and leaving her one, my young mind thought "Oh better leave more just in case". In case of what? Who knows. I probably left her 5 vms in total (I don't remember exactly). I want to make it clear I did not think I deserved a second date, or that she had any obligation, I just was really immature and didn't understand that one date really means nothing. She rejected me, but I didn't get it. Not because she wasn't being clear, in fact looking back she was basically hitting me with a baseball bat of truth over my hard steel enforced cranium trying to get it through my thick skull without calling me an idiot (which looking back, she had the full right to do). Anyway, I'm embarrassed about that, and that moment helped me learn a lot about both how people interact and that sometimes you aren't going to be friends with people you meet, no matter how fun and cool you are. If there are young men reading this: Take a goddamn hint. It's nothing personal.
That is hilarious and truly bizarre. Did you never talk to him again? I would simply have to know what the deal with the shoes was! In fact, can you please reach out to him for me? I need resolution. Do you really think he intentionally hid your shoes?
tng, don't be naive. Do you think he could have accidentally hid his shoes?? I guess maybe if the lights were on St. J. could have found a note that says, "Your shoes are in the broom closet." I guess. Sigh, bad dates. I wrote about one here. My transgression involved getting a blanket. Around the same time as all that, I went out with another fellow -- a phd, a researcher and writer. We were sitting in his living room after dinner and he asked, "Would you like to hear me play the piano?" Of course, yes, why not. Is that the test? He played and played and played and played. And played and played and played. And played. What freakin' part of this date is about me? Good thing he didn't hide my shoes. One more, from an earlier time...a date with a prof at my mountainhigh university. He said, "We can hike down a path, climb over a fence, and cut through a hole in another fence and get into the reservoir." Wow, wow, that sounded fun and romantic and naked and private. So we hiked and climbed and cut - and this Adonis, suggested we take off our clothes. It was a beautiful summer day. Then, without consulting me, he decided to swim laps in the reservoir. He was a swimmer. I was not. And he swam and swam and swam and swam and swam. You get the picture. Marriage (coupling, partnering) exists to save us all from dating. At least, these days, a hook-up is a hook-up. Except, I guess, in StJohn's case.
We made arrangements for a second date, but I'm like 99% sure I got stood up! I have no idea why he hid my shoes. He might have been tidying things up, but there were other pairs of shoes he left out in the living room. It's just… gah, it doesn't make sense. Who does that?
So, let's be clear here, you're not totally sure he hid your shoes, right? Am I too trusting? I can't help but think that maybe the fella is just really, really tidy? None the less, it's a helluva story.
I'm not totally sure, but he did move my shoes into a closet and left pairs of his own shoes in the living room. So maybe he was trying to be tidy, but then why did he leave his crap lying around? Why just move my stuff? And when I wasn't looking, no less, because I'm pretty sure I'd have noticed him high-tailing it with my stuff.
There are so many mysteries in the world, and yet for some reason I'm fascinated by this one. If you ever run into this fellow again, bring us some closure, would you?
thenewgreen and stjohn -- I've run into old dates/relationships (shit, husbands even) and on the spot brought up the old, unfinished business. In one case, I ran into the guy in a swimming pool, once on the street -- and it was like now or never: What happened to my naked pictures? Why did you break up with me? etc. etc. -- but you have to be okay with yourself to be willing to go back there.
I really only have one ex of any substantial amount of time and emotional investment. I'd like the opportunity to have lunch someday or something like that. I wouldn't trust myself in a hot tub ;)
I remembered something and wanted to share. When I was 19, I went on a first date with a guy I sort-of-kind-of knew (could recognize on sight, knew his social network and name, basically). On this date, he took me to the courthouse, because he had such extensive old traffic/parking tickets that I believe his license was either suspended or about to be suspended, and he had to make it so he could legally drive. He'd let these problems build because he didn't have a car until that week. I'll reiterate: at one point I had to sit outside a courtroom and wait as he went up in front of a judge. At the age of 19, I was totally like "Oh, man, I understand, yeah, you should fix that right away and I'll just tag along. I don't mind making conversation with you in the courthouse!" Because I was 19. There were no red flags, I really wasn't bothered by this turn of events at all and was in general totally along for the ride. In retrospect, I am like, "Dear god, man! You couldn't have postponed the date for a few hours or days until you got that taken care of? What was going on in your head that you thought it was a good idea to take a girl, on a first date, with you to court???" It's funny how our feelings and perspectives change (in this case, for the better, I think), as we get older, but our recollections of how we experienced the past didn't. This clearly should have been at the top, or near it, of my terrible first dates story-list! But because at the time it phased me not a whit, it wasn't. I am adding it and putting it right at the top. Now I wonder what other awful experiences I tolerated at the time because I was too young and starry-eyed to know any better! 19 was an extremely naive age for me.