whyfore the monitoring. curious
Specifically, because I have only heard ONE good argument FOR marriage, and that is And coercion isn't too convincing to me. Everything else is about kids (Which I don't want anything to do with) or tax purposes. (That would need some investigation and time with a tax lawyer before I believe that it's worth it) Every other benefit from long-term, sexually monogamous cohabitation doesn't require the piece of paper. I'm not even opposed to a ceremony of some kind if that's what my S.O. wants. Disclaimer: My parents marriage has seen better days, though they are working on it. It's been a very eventful few years for our family, immediate and extended.It will get other people to stop hassling me about marriage
Yeah that's not a good argument for it. I would want to get married if I met someone who I sincerely believed I would be with for the rest of my life? I'm willing to believe that person exists somewhere out there probably. I'm not like, crazy on the hunt for him or her though. I've never had a relationship that lasted more than two years and I usually feel that, based on my own relationship habits and personality, I probably ain't gonna. (This is all coming up in the attachment styles thread.) If I do, great, and then I'd get married. Because I wanted to. I don't really care about the institution or the taxes or whatever. If I found someone I really wanted to be with ad infinitum, I would want to get married (I think - emphasis on "really wanted" and "ad infinitum" aka I'd have to be REALLY sure). I think marriage can be a beautiful thing and so can the trust that is formed by such a relationship. When you marry someone they become your family, even if you don't have kids. There's no one on this earth that I care about more, or would do more for, than my siblings, followed by my mom and dad. They are my top emotional priority. With marriage, a second-tier[1] (below family) relationship would become first-tier for me. It would represent a huge shift and huge commitment. It really would mean, not leaving, committing to working through problems, being there for each other even when you sometimes hate each other, taking all the good with the bad, etc. So anyway that's how, when and why I would get married I guess. I view marriage as more commitment than a long-term relationship. I don't mean to disparage against those who don't plan to get married and view a long-term relationship as equally committed - but for me, there is a difference. It might be small and subtle (cuz if I'm in an LTR with you hopefully you're at the top of the "friends" tier anyway) but it would be there.
[1] A long time ago when I realized that I allowed myself to drown in relationships and lose myself, I got single and developed a tier system of, I guess, "importance" or "priority." It's as follows:
I actually find this really helpful to keep in mind when determining plans/last minute stuff comes up. Last minute family stuff? Generally trumps plans with friends. Last minute booty text when you're out with your friends? Fuck no, you're with your friends, they trump. 1. You, because no one else is going to make you their #1, and if they do, they are probably not properly taking care of themselves. You gotta make sure you're washed, clothed, fed, exercised, watered, whatever. You gotta put your fulfillment first.
2. Family. Not everyone shares this. I have a crappy family. But it's important to me to be there for them for every occasion, and whenever they need help (within reason) I'll come and I'll help.
3. Friends. I have two friends who, if they're in trouble, I'll do whatever I can that's reasonable in my power to help them. I show them I care by being there for them when they need it. Everyone else falls behind.
4. All the rest you fuckers.
Yeah, I would say so. It takes someone who is hopefully one of your best friends, and moves them to a permanent (or in my ideal mind permanent) status where their relationship to you is no longer mutable ("if she pisses me off enough I can just fucking leave" or "I can't deal with this any more and I need a break from being this person's friend") to now - first having an understanding that the people you love and are around all the time are going to piss you off, and while it's unfortunate it's actually kind of okay and natural from time to time - and then, trying to move past those altercations with love and acceptance, or at least patience (and apologies as warranted). There's an element to it of really truly knowing a person too, or when you're in a family of knowing the general behaviors of each member of the group - and I guess of just general acceptance of these people's behaviors (as long as they're not self-destructive, etc). I think it's the acceptance angle that's a big part of it. I think the other part of it is kind of a rubber-band like willingness/commitment to pitch in. For instance I moved back with my parents at the start of the month. On average, I come home and do three chores a day. I don't do them because they ask me to. I don't keep track of how many chores I do or dishes I've loaded. In a roommate situation even if I was living with my best friends I wouldn't be happy if I were doing the majority of the chores for the household, because it's not fair and those aren't my dishes and yadda yadda yadda. I feel like with family, you try not to tally up "good marks" and "bad marks" and keep things even. You just pitch in when you can as much as you can, and trust that the rubber band will come back for you when you need it. I'll be traveling to VA soon and I know without asking my parents will take care of my cat. That's some of my payback. I would expect/want that from a spouse, but would never expect it from a roommate. Sure, I'd ask, but if my best friend/roommate has plans for that weekend I'd find other arrangements. With a spouse or with family I feel like there's just this extra layer, an element that you trust that they will make something work to help you when you need it. If I were in jail and married, I'd call my spouse, then my family, then my friends for bail. (Hopefully it's not that expensive and they don't mind helping me out!) If I were in jail and had a significant other, even if it were long term, I'd call my parents/family, then the s/o, then my friends. (I'd also ask my family to contact my s/o if I really did only get one call, or vice versa with the marriage situation.) I think it is a subtle shift and I think this is probably a pretty personal distinction but that is kind of where I would draw it. EDIT: I admit I started making a false dichotomy between best friends/family here, when clearly "significant other" is a middle ground, but I think that's partially because of the tier structure, and they're the closest things to compare to.
