I consider myself lonely. It has made me depressed, sad, reclusive, and aggressive when in a social setting. Growing up hasn't been easy, but I make the best of it and adapt. My depression is temporary (I hope, but at times it doesn't seem so). I've spent my free time using various substances to help me get through this bullshit. For once in a long time... I've gone for a few consecutive weeks sober -- as in not under the influence of something. Before that, it was a daily thing; to use. I've since then sought out help from a professional, and I think talking to her seems to be working a little bit. It gives me a sense of normalcy and routine visiting her. I've got a lot of issues, and I'm still not sure if I trust her 100%.

I am not really a social person -- people I get to know don't meet the high criteria I set for them to be anything more than an acquaintance. My therapist suggests that I force myself to make small talk and get to know people. Anyone! Usually, I fake my social interactions. That only masks who I am to others, but doesn't seem to help me at all. To me it seems like a lot of work. Mentally taxing. My job isn't very social. I work mostly alone with one supervisor and very few opportunities for much needed social interaction.

People that I meet I put them in some kind of tier. Those whom I deem to be less intelligent I tend to use for my benefit. And those who seem interesting and intelligent and worthwhile, I make an effort to get to know them, but I get the feeling maybe I smother them too much. Realizing this about myself pushes me further away from people, which certainly doesn't help the situation. I'm trying... I really am. I'd like to be a better person that can functionally contribute.