I was raised in a very conservative, southern household and it was always very impressed upon me to not accrue any debt and live within your means. While I have thrown off many of the lessons my parents tried to instill (namely regarding their opinions about my sexuality, "liberal-ness" and religion), that is one the of the few things that has intentionally stuck around.

This served me well when I was out of their good graces, being homeless for a while and afterwards barely scraping by for years.

I've since graduated (grants, scholarships, and savings), moved to the Bay Area, now I work at a biotech company and am doing better monetarily and otherwise than the majority of people I have known, especially those who came from similar circumstances as me.

I now feel like I am in unfamiliar territory regarding my past, I make more money than my father ever has, or many of my friends do, I don't own a car or have terribly many expenses, have low rent, and I just feel...comfortable.

I have no great needs anymore, I do what I want at any point, eat where I want, when I want, buy stupid shit off the internet, send gifts to friends, help some out when they can't pay their bills, go on weekend getaways, buy nice clothes, donate to wikipedia on a whim, and just in general "treat myself". All of this my previous experience lends me to regard as extraneous and unnecessary, but I still have plenty of money to save at the end of every month, so my natural response is constantly putting me at odds with what I do and the fact that it is justified. I bought a shirt for $60 this weekend and almost had a panic attack. I used to have to steal food just to eat and now I buy $5 coconut water.

I recently got a credit card for the first time ever, and use Mint to keep track of expenses, and I have to say, seeing the amount I owe on my next bill really helps direct my neurosis towards something productive. I get to project my frugal nature towards worrying about what my overall finances are and not feel too comfortable, which is perfect, even though I am just playing a stupid game with myself.

I hope to maintain this contradiction within myself, I feel familiar with the constant little upheavals being poor can bring, and don't want to ever be too comfortable (read: "soft"). I think that the little skills I've gained still have a place in my life, but in more productive means.

So today I'm just gonna be proud of my comfort, I'm a better person than I ever have been in my past, and the now-me deserves it more than any of my previous selves. I'm gonna go eat lunch out and stuff myself, email my mom (we're doing great now, though she loves Ann Coulter), and maybe I'll even partake in some cake with you today, _refugee_, and you totally should, cause you deserve it. I recommend any variation on cheesecake. I once ate nothing but a leftover ice cream cake for two days because there was nothing else in my fridge. Never again.