I couldn't agree more. There are certainly people we are more compatible with than others, but there's way too much emphasis placed on finding a soulmate or "the one". Instead, I believe we should focus on selflessness and loving the one you're married to, not an eternal search for the mythical one that requires no effort other than finding.the idea of a soul mate (or 100% perfect girl) is just a myth
That's exactly right. In fact, these notions (I suspect) are the leading cause of relationship issues. We want to "fit" people into these imagined boxes. We measure our partners based on cultural expectations and our own dreams of an ideal mate. We turn these people that we "love" into objects for our own consumption. We are "buying" a life partner, making a socio-sexual "investment". But people aren't objects. And people don't fit into nice little imagined categories that you can pick out at Walmart. People are people, which means they are complex and will change over time. No one will fit into your box. No one will be your "100% perfect girl". Telling someone that they are your 100% perfect anything is a good way to psychologically abuse them. Especially if they are young and naive enough to believe you. To change themselves to try and fit into your box. Agreed again. We must first love ourselves. We must not seek someone else to complete us. If you love yourself, you will find someone that loves you for you, and you will find someone that complements and enhances your life. Maybe that will be for 1 year... maybe that will be for 100 years. There is no formula or equation that can tell you ahead of time what the outcome will be. You just have to live in the now and let life happen.There are certainly people we are more compatible with than others, but there's way too much emphasis placed on finding a soulmate or "the one".
I believe we should focus on selflessness and loving the one you're married to, not an eternal search for the mythical one that requires no effort other than finding.
We agree on so much - but here is where we see things differently. I acknowledge that I am old fashioned, religious, and a hopeless romantic. But the notion that we can't or won't or shouldn't commit to a long term relationship sounds…. hopeless and terrible. I mean - hey, if a person doesn't want to get into one- that's fine - but I loathe divorces of convenience because "we fell out of love".Maybe that will be for 1 year... maybe that will be for 100 years. There is no formula or equation that can tell you ahead of time what the outcome will be. You just have to live in the now and let life happen.
Perhaps we can still find common ground. I definitely don't mean to insinuate that we shouldn't commit to a long-term relationship. Perhaps it is my own fault for people often thinking that I advocate for that. My whole point is that you cannot guarantee how long a particular bond will last. You may meet someone one year and find yourself madly in love. That love may last 5 years or 10 years or 100 years. But it very well may fade and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. A relationship can end without it also being a failure. I am simply trying to alleviate the fear people have with a relationship "failing". Sometimes people put a tremendous amount of pressure on themselves to be in a bond that lasts "forever". When the relationship doesn't last forever, they feel like it was somehow "their fault". So I guess the common ground would be that if you personally want a long-term bond, and your partner does as well, then go for it! There is nothing wrong with it, and many studies show that there are many psychological and health benefits to staying in a long-term committed bond. But just don't feel like you are personally a bad person/lover/partner if it does not last. Because statistically speaking, everything ends... whether that is because of some socio-economic fall out, death, or you just drift apart for some other reason.We agree on so much - but here is where we see things differently.
the notion that we can't or won't or shouldn't commit to a long term relationship sounds…. hopeless and terrible.
We've got plenty of common ground! you're one of my favorite people that I've only met on the web. And you're well ahead of many people I've met in the physical world. If both people foster the relationship - it won't. I think that's my point. It's a big "if" and it takes so much work (more than some are willing to put in).But it very well may fade and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.
I can definitely agree with that. We are the only species that can build symbolically-mediated bonds. Because of that tremendous power... literally any type of socio-sexual organization is in principle achievable if both parties are committed to it. Like you said though, be prepared to but in the time and energy (#physics). My whole point with my perspective is to try and alleviate some of the confusion people in my generation have with the current system trends regarding relationships. People in their 20s aren't getting married and having kids at the same rate. This is causing some confusion. Some people feel they are failing or not being an adult properly. I was one of them not too long ago.
thankyouthankyou. Right now I've - resigned is the wrong word - realized that I'll probably be in and out of long-term relationships for the rest of my life. Maybe 10-year relationships, maybe 1 year or 20-years if I am lucky. But I have never once dated someone I did not get bored of, eventually. Someone who I eventually no longer wanted to be with. Someone who eventually no longer turned me on or excited me. And you know what? That's okay. It doesn't mean I won't love anyone ever. Doesn't mean I haven't. Just means that maybe I'm not set for an extremely long-term relationship - don't think I'm set for marriage for sure. If I can have my independence and a good 2-year romance every 5 years or so...what's wrong with that? I can have my happiness...and honestly, if I'm lucky, I get to fall in love again and again. It's a weird world-view. But I'm okay with it.I definitely don't mean to insinuate that we shouldn't commit to a long-term relationship
don't feel like you are personally a bad person/lover/partner if it does not last. Because statistically speaking, everything ends
Me too, and for a while I semi-sort of wondered if there was something wrong with me emotionally when I bothered to think about it all. I have a different understanding now, but it's still sad. Tell you what, let's date. We'll get tired of each other in half the time we normally get tired of other people.Right now I've - resigned is the wrong word - realized that I'll probably be in and out of long-term relationships for the rest of my life. Maybe 10-year relationships, maybe 1 year or 20-years if I am lucky. But I have never once dated someone I did not get bored of, eventually. Someone who I eventually no longer wanted to be with. Someone who eventually no longer turned me on or excited me.
After crossing 30 and having a few nieces and a nephew, my views on family life have softened. I used to be adamantly against it, but I can see a different value now that I was indifferent to before. One of the main reasons I broke up with my previous girlfriend is that it became clear to me that she would make a terrible wife and mother. That didn't matter to me in the beginning, because I never wanted that (in fact, I think I found it attractive, because it took that out of the equation necessarily). But once I started feeling like it was even in the realm of possibility, I cut bait. It was a good choice.
I'm willing to believe my views may change in the future. That's wherefore all my mights and maybes. Maybe I'll meet someone who's so great they'll convince me I'll be a great parent too - not in a bad way, more like in a kb00 sort of way. And you know what? It is a good idea, also, to cut out of relationships when you realize they're not what you want. Which is probably another stick in the pile of "why I'm okay with the prospect of being in long-term but not permanent relationships for as long as it works for me."
That's right. Everything is going to be okay :-)*That's okay.*