[poem about life in the form of a play]
by robert castillo
From the time the curtains lifted, we were Romantics. We saw cars, spaceships, and boats in what our parents called a “box.” We didn't step on cracks, lest we wanted to burden our mothers with years of pain and medical bills.
Our imaginations ran wild. Our lives were full of wondrous things.
Enter formal education (stage left). From here on out we are told the “proper” way of doing things. “Hold your pencil like this.” “Respond in this fashion.” “Follow these codes of conduct and you’ll live in a three story house with 2.67 children who will then do the exact same thing you did for the benefit of a CEO who you’ll never meet and couldn't give a rat’s ass if your grandmother died, you haven’t met your quota.”
Our imaginations grew lonely. Tired and cold, what was once Companion Imagination became Estranged Acquaintance.
Intermission
Not many stay after intermission. Disheartened, they decide to return to three story house and 2.67 children to continue doing the same thing until the day the curtains close. Retirement? In this economy?
Intermission comes at different times for different people. Most commonly referred to as a “Mid-Life Crisis,” the majority of our fellow actors and actresses realize the absurdity of it all once they’re “over the hill.”
For some, the realization comes much sooner. For others, it never does.
Act II: Awakening
As the curtains open again, the path back toward Romanticism begins. “Full circle” is what some call it. Discontent with a three story house and 2.67 children sets in. Not that they don’t love their family, no no no. The thought is more elegantly put: who the hell decided things should be like this?
Thus the climax. Those who stayed past intermission begin to experience life. Travel, risk, fear, adventure, impulse and other adjectives begin to define their lives. They climb mountains just for the hell of it. They run a marathon because, well, why not? What once was a drama transforms into a saga. Imagination takes residence in our minds once again, grinning ear-to-ear as she unpacks her bags.
The denouement. The actors and actresses, suffering from the same ailment any living thing experiences, begin to wither. It’s not that life becomes less enjoyable, no no no. Life merely becomes more serene, more soothing, more calm. They begin to see the world as they did in the beginning. Their rocking chair, a soothing sailboat. Birds chirping, the soundtrack of nature. Their box, a portal the the next life.
[Critique is more than welcome. I'm in a creative writing class this term and would like it workshoped before we workshop in class. Many thanks in advance.]
I like this. My only advice would be to make all your references and allusions less obvious. Don't ever feel the need to explain. Let the audience decipher and understand your meaning or make their own meaning from it. For example: "Most commonly referred to as a “Mid-Life Crisis.” We already understand that. Let the truth of the matter come out rather than the facts or names. The last section needs some work on flow. It's too heavy. You have the serene and soothing and birds chirping but the flow of the sentences don't always match it. Let your words wander and flow in that same sense. Just my thoughts. I'm not the greatest writer so take it or leave it. I won't be insulted.
Thank you very much, I'll take all of that into consideration. I'm not aware as I'd like to be about when certain things are too obvious so it's nice to have it brought to my attention.
I like the concept. The opening is particularly strong for me. Like really strong. Try tossing this. I think the info is already conveyed with not only because this requires imagination, it's a line existing in an environment separate and yet imagined onto the stage (the stage has no cracks!) I want more stuff like this. Your concept has more legs than you give credit. I think the poem would only be stronger the more concrete you treat this play, and let the subtext do the work. Afterall, plays, scripts, are extremely subtextual -- actors and directors do a lot of the work in interpreting it. I'm torn about the quotes. Mostly I don't like them. I want to see what happens if removed. I think some lines could be made to resemble a script like Formal Education: Hold your pencil like this. Respond in this fashion. Also, a lot of lines like, Read a bit on the nose to me. Maybe. It's attributed to a they, like societal pressure, and I can see maybe how that could work as intentionally overbearing and on-the-nose, uninspiring. So it could be working... What's the distinction? Do sagas not have dramatic elements? Does late-stage life really become a hero story with a reinvigorated imagination? I have a feeling you might be getting too broad with your gestures here, but I think a refocus back to the main concept of play would help. I really do think it would serve to ground whatever you want to explore, and I think you need to be exploring what plays are to pass the gimmick test. Not that an actual gimmick test exists. I think you know what I mean. And I know you asked for critique and you know what that consists of, but definitely just want to make sure I'm ending here with encouragement that a. I'm full of shit most of the time and b. I would love to see what you do with this further regardless because the central concept is really interesting to me.Our imaginations ran wild. Our lives were full of wondrous things.
We didn't step on cracks, lest we wanted to burden our mothers with years of pain and medical bills.
Enter formal education (stage left).
Intermission comes at different times for different people. Most commonly referred to as a “Mid-Life Crisis,”
What once was a drama transforms into a saga.
Thank you very much for this extremely constructive feedback.