Apollo 18 is the tragic story of three astronauts who spent months training for a moon mission only to find that their mission was cancelled due to lack of funding. This film touches on our modern budget drama as we struggle in a society that is leaning towards austerity, and contains many struggles where characters are forced to deal with a disillusioned, post-Watergate world where the Space Race is viewed as over, and the exploits of astronauts are no longer viewed as heroic. The tale is a stunning spectacle of human suffering and contains a depth of imagery and attention to detail not normally seen in film.

No I'm just kidding. Apollo 18 is a wasted premise that might have actually been cool. It doesn't follow any deep human psychological need for achievement or the struggle to make a name for yourself. Actually, its just a film about three people unqualified to be astronauts landing on the moon and finding that spiders were on it. So were the Russians. I guess. Also the government lied to them or whatever.

This is a movie that you weren't going to watch anyway. I can actually do this entire review in one sentence and spend the rest of the time talking about how this movie could be better. Ready? This is a great tool to use when you watch other movies like this. Okay, pay close attention.

Apollo 18 is a found-footage horror movie that is not the Blaire Witch Project, Quarantine, or V/H/S.

There, done. Actually we could do that in fewer words.

Apollo 18 is a found-footage horror movie.

Wow, what a simple review. I mean shit, what else do you need to know? The cinematography is fucking garbage, the acting is terrible, the special effects are masked with shaking cameras and "glitches," the sound is horrible, everything. You know what was a good found footage movie? The Blaire Witch Project. Why? Because it was well done. It was creative and new. Guess what isn't creative and new? Found footage movies.

Okay cool, so all the technical jazz is already done. Let's talk about the narrative, because this movie commits the crime of wasting a perfectly good premise. What's the premise you say? Glad you asked.

The Premise: a.k.a. the thing that is what the movie is going to be about.

So space is a great setting for a horror movie. Space is fucking terrifying. Its foreign and confusing to everyday people, and its quiet. That's good. Quiet is scary. Its also fucking dark and if you're not extra careful you can just die because space will fucking kill you. Its a giant, purposeless, deadly void which lacks humanity of any kind. Space is a great place for a horror movie. So is the moon.

Making a scary movie, one that is actually scary and not just startling, is something that really takes a lot of work. In terms of environment, you can really only go two ways, to varying degrees. You can either make a movie that is down at home and familiar, something that an average human being could experience, or you can make your movie so alien that people can't understand it.

People are afraid of things that are beyond their understanding or control, or of things that are behind what they consider a safe zone. Paranormal Activity is close enough to home - literally, it just happens in some house - that people are scared because the environment is reflective of something familiar. Also because that movie loves its shitty atmospheric build up and people are dumb.

Other movies, like Alien or The Thing take place in settings that are isolated and unfamiliar. No, not the The Thing 2011 remake. The good one. Anyway, those settings are isolated and unfamiliar so they're new and scary. They're not inviting right off the bat, so when you introduce a horror mechanic in to those settings its a pretty good recipe for success.

The Moon is perfect as a setting. Its totally and utterly devoid of life. Its quiet. You are isolated from the rest of humanity in a dark setting where any number of things can go wrong. It is a visually interesting landscape that naturally provides deep shadows. It looks alien and weird. Its dead silent. Seriously.

I mean, you'd think a horror film set in space would be perfect? Hahahahahaha oh god.

What went wrong?

Three major things. Way more than that, but we'll stick with three.

1. The monster is not an astronaut, it's spiders.

Spiders can be creepy. Moon spiders are not. People have a basic understanding of how living things work, and people understand that animals need food to live. Without food things tend to die. We have known this for a very, very long time. We have known since at the very least the 1960s that the Moon does not have food on it. The moon mostly has rocks.

So if you are going to have moon spiders, they are most likely going to eat rocks. That's fine. People are not made out of rocks, ergo, there is no reason for the moon spiders to eat people. Why would a spider evolve whose primary diet consisted of people? Why would they care? There is no motivation to these spiders. Also they can somehow infect human blood? How? Why? When did they learn how to do that? Why would they have evolved that way?

If this film was smart, which its not, it would have established the monster as another astronaut. Make the lunar landing bigger, maybe they're going on a rescue mission or something. Like they were trying to set up a moon base, but it got fucked up. An astronaut went crazy. Don't give a reason why he went crazy, just everyone is going crazy. People get killed and their bodies dumped in craters. The crew becomes distrustful of each other and everyone is trying to kill everyone else.

End the film with the protagonist killing the crazy guy but in the process destroys a critical component of the launch control. The last 5-10 minutes before credits can be watching an astronaut die of lack of oxygen, surrounded by the other dead astronauts, and just make it really horrifying to watch. Blood freezes in space. One of the astronauts could've been like, punctured on something, or gets his throat cut, and the blood just sprays out and freezes instantly. You could make this fucking terrifying. But no. Moon spiders.

2. This movie has too much noise.

I'm going to repeat this next sentence quite a bit.

Do not make a horror movie with excessive sound.

Do not make a horror movie with excessive sound.

*Do not make a horror movie with excessive sound.*

If there is constantly noise on the screen it relieves tension. Apollo 18 has almost constant radio static that removes any build up that could possibly exist. There are footsteps everywhere, engine noises, everything. Silence is terrifying. Use it. Its the cheapest sound effect in the world.

3. They went with a found footage style.

Seriously. Please stop this shit.

Its not a creative way to present your movie, and it always brings up massive plot holes. When did they get that footage back? Why did they film every scene critical in constructing a narrative? Home movie aren't actually great for editing a story together, not really.

Also, if the film was edited together from various clips of the found footage, how come they only ever show parts of it that would be exciting or interesting in a movie theater and not parts that would be convincing to authorities? You see, unless your movie is like V/H/S and understands that the footage cannot be something edited "from 84 hours of film" then you are going to end up with a shit movie.

Effective handycam comes from making it a believable handycam. If its someone documenting really crazy events then its understandable. Cloverfield wasn't a good movie but the camera made sense within the universe. Apollo 18 doesn't make sense almost at all. They ALWAYS HAVE A CAMERA. Why?! The guy is filming as he's trying to pull a rock out of the dude's ribs. Nobody would do that, they'd put down the camera and THEN pull it out.

Never make a found footage film. Its not a good idea.

Uhm. Okay. Hey, who are these actors?

I think they're Canadian.

Oh. What was the budget again?

Five million dollars.

I have a great idea. The next time a studio is going to make a horror movie, and they think that the movie should be done with a handycam or equivalent, they should call me. I will take half of the money and film a generic comedy instead. The generic comedy will be called "Jeff Whitey Takes It To The Balls" and will be a movie about a man cursed by a stereotypical Chinese man - full on fu manchu and everything - to be kicked in the balls constantly. This will drive him to seek an end to the curse by visiting various other stereotypes.

He'll first visit an American-Indian who tries out an old native secret that involves putting his testicles on an ant hill. Then he'll invite him back to his casino, where he runs in to a stereotypical "urban" black guy, who will try his hand at voodoo or something equally racist. Let's just pull out all stops. This involves him getting a voodoo doll and poking pins in his crotch, which just causes Jeff pain. The actors improvise some lines. Whatever.

Next scene, Jeff is at a gay bar because he didn't realize it was a gay bar. There a really effeminate gay guy says he can help with his "problem" and starts grabbing Jeff's crotch. Jeff screams in pain, so the gay guy says in the most offensive possible lisp in human history "oh someone's kink-ey!"

And it keeps going. Jeff will visit every stereotype imaginable. It will be offensive and appeal to the lowest common denominator. There will be that one two year old pop song that you all recognize and forgot about. There will even be a talking animal, and in the end Jeff will find love with a girl who is way out of his league. It will cost 2.5 million dollars to produce. It will make 18 million almost guaranteed at the box office.

And because I would despise with every cell in my body the audience that enjoys the film, every 24th frame would be horrifying gore. It'd be there for less than a second. Most people wouldn't even notice it. But it'd be there. Just this horrifying mess of a human body, mangled and destroyed, dumped in the forest. Ravens picking at its eyes, tearing the flesh from its bones, struggling to remove a tendon, as the stomach bloats from rotting meat and the skin is consumed by the swarms of maggots crawling through its sinewy limbs.

Because at the end of the day that stupid fucking, racist, homophobic, sexist, low brow, shitty, poorly filmed, offensive, filthy film will make more money at a box office than a found footage movie. Hell, maybe someone out there will get the joke.

I don't even know where I was going with that anymore. Oh right.

Give me 2.5 million dollars, Hollywood. I can make you a more profitable movie. I'll just remake something. Or parody a remake. Or just make a dumb ass comedy that nobody cares about. I'll call it Identity Thief. There'll be a fat girl in it, which is hilarious because she's so fat! Hahahahahahahaha. Get it? Because she isn't thin. Do you guys get it? Do you get the joke. Ha. Haha. Ha. Fat.

Fuck everything.

DONE

Oblivion - No! Apollo 18 - Still better than Amazing Spiderman!

NOT DONE

Meek's Cutoff That Kind of Girl Renoir

FAN REQUEST FRIDAY

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