This was a timely read for me. I've been really missing my friends back in Michigan of late. I went out last night with some chums here in NC, and they're great guys but nothing beats the friends you've had since you were young. My wife is always quick to point out that thing that guys do but women don't. It's generally referred to as "ribbing". When you go back and forth one-uping the other in either insult or some other form of humor on a topic. I read this and longed for evenings around a table with a bottle of scotch talking about politics, religion, music etc with my good guy friends. It's such a great time. He captured the essence of this really well imo. It's competitive but at the same time you're rooting for the other guy because you want the game of conversation to continue to elevate. Most women don't communicate this way, there isn't the competition and I tend to get myself in trouble when I try to communicate this way with my wife. What I see as a way to elevate a conversation, she may see as aggression or even as an insult. Men like insults, it provides an opportunity to hurl one right back. The punch/hug thing is certainly true. I have only punched 3 people in the face in my life and 2 of them were best friends. The next day, both of us hung over and battered... "hey man, sorry" and then life continues unchanged, except now we have a great story about that time we got in a fist fight. Guy friends, the good ones, are like brothers. It is a special thing.
Most women don't communicate this way, there isn't the competition and I tend to get myself in trouble when I try to communicate this way with my wife. What I see as a way to elevate a conversation, she may see as aggression or even as an insult.
What an excellent article and a great conversation in this thread. I'll print it out and give it some thought over the next day or so when I have to travel south again. What particularly intrigues me is tng's line re women. It makes me wonder more about m/f and f/f friendships. Personally I also would love to spend half the night in the company of Christopher Hitchens at the Plaza Athénée in New York.
Who wouldn't? I think Camille Paglia would also be a hoot. I'm not 100% sure that one requires balls for male bonding - but as I said, I need to think more on this. later dudes.
I imagine that spilling scotch with Hitchens would have been a hoot. Later bro. Safe travels.
I'm sorry to hear that you're missing your friends lately. I can relate. It's interesting you bring up communication between you and your wife and trying to communicate with her the way you might with a guy friend. I think communicate is definitely the correct word and it's something touched on in the article. Communication, people forget, is much more than what people say to each other. It's a cluster of signals including body language, expression, tone, the framing of context and even the chemical. It's so entangled and subtle that if we had to sit down and learn it in a classroom, we might never learn it. Now that I think about it, when I used to teach English as a foreign language, that was a large part of what students (and I) felt was missing as they learned English. Anyway, I think that the way your wife might perceive ribbing isn't entirely inaccurate. There is aggression and if not insult, challenge in many male to male exchanges. You mentioned sitting around and drinking scotch with those friends you've been missing and that hits home for me too. What we used to do was down a couple liters of Jameson, break out the guitars to make up shitty songs and howl about whatever it was we had in us. If that's not an act of undirected aggression, I don't know what is. What I do know is that it felt damn good.
I guess sometimes you don't need to over-think or define things. It's well enough to know they exist and add joy to your life. A lot of people would scoff at this and say "ignorance is not bliss", but sometimes it is. I don't need to know why I enjoy my guy friends so much, is good enough to just enjoy their company.