So I've been thinking a lot about my cynical reaction toward goals. It was, as you mentioned Lil, disparaging. So why was I so disparaging? I think it came from fear. I fear making large scale goals for myself because I don't know what I want to do with my life (aside from being happy and bringing this happiness to others). And so I avoid making new goals in fear that each becomes a distinct, definitive commitment; a covenant with my future: once thou begins this activity, thou shall follow through till death do you part! A single 30 minutes on the drums becomes a down payment in a livelihood as a musician. Reading becomes a future as an editor. A journal entry becomes the smatterings of a novel. A massage? A step towards becoming licensed. And so on. It's the trickle down theory of existential anxiety; a burden of expectations, a perfectionists poison! It's exhausting. This makes me think a few things: 1) Focus on what activities make me happy in the moment. Enjoy them. Might actually help with this whole future thing too. 2) Framing activities in terms of long-term existential security can be troublesome. Why do I need that security? One possibility: I have health issues -> I fear not having health insurance (live in U.S.: on mom's plan, goes away when I'm 26) -> so I want a livelihood that provides health insurance -> probably need a high commitment job for that (an assumption with plenty of contradictions) -> I want to enjoy this job -> I need to find out what I am doing with my life NOWWWW!!! -> in order to have good job with good health insurance for the future (not always true) 3) Public health care can help alleviate existential anxiety. Private health care can keep you tethered to the "system" in often unsavory ways. (I'm sure there are counter examples for both). 4) Breathe. Seriously, breathe! and enjoy your friends, family, community, safe spaces to vent, etc. 5) Turn hubski responses into public re-evaluations of one's life processes. 6) Thank all for enduring : ) 7) "Thank you" : P
Re #2 and #3 - or try and move to Canada -- Get thee to graduate school in Canada. There's a newish gov't ruling that says people can linger in the country longer after completing their advanced degrees and legally look for work and move towards landed status and citizenship. Except then you'd lose the beaches and nice weather of San Diego, and your friends . . .
On the other hand, grad school is exciting. Re this A single 30 minutes on the drums becomes a down payment in a livelihood as a musician. Reading becomes a future as an editor. A journal entry becomes the smatterings of a novel. A massage? A step towards becoming licensed. And so on. It's the trickle down theory of existential anxiety; a burden of expectations, a perfectionists poison!
when you are highly skilled and multi-talented it is hard to choose a particular area of focus ... but #1 above might help you pick something. There's a Yiddish expression that translates as "one bum can't sit in two chairs" .. at least not at the same time.