I JUST read this. I think the hubski notifications system might have failed me, but whatever. Here we are, over two years later, and I'd bet that you're probably going to develop your first wrinkles wherever your face forms trenches when you grimmace. I don't think I can understate how much I respect that, given your circumstances. My childhood was a fantasy of metaphorical lollipops, Jesus, suburbia, Boy Scouts, and extreme familial stability. I'm made from a much less resilient mold, I daresay. Before 750 days ago, I knew you weren't some "kid". Ageism is real, but I won't tolerate it on my watch. Genuinely sorry to say, but you're nowhere near done in dealing with it, especially in regards to your chosen career path. If anything, I think it's generally going to get worse within the next couple/few years before you can point to the publishing record and say "don't fuck with me". You'll get there sooner than you think, so don't sweat it too much. Actually, I hope I'm wrong about this and you've already transcended that milestone, but the perception of your current age would be an uphill battle for even a modern day Einstein. Not that you're not interning as a patent clerk this summer ;). And, surprise, there is literally nothing that I can confidently tell you regarding any search for meaning, under any formulation of anything. Ever. I'm right there with you, professionally trapped in the mathematically rigorous approach, since religion proved to be a dead horse for me over a decade ago, and I have essentially no confidence that either have provided spiritual solutions that believers didn't delude themselves into believing when it was personally convenient. Life ultimately does seem to be simply how or what we interpret or make of it. The parameter space is STUPIDLY big. But to me, there's clearly no karma, no universal justice, no obvious underlying order. Still, that doesn't mean that it's terribly difficult to have fun at no one else's expense, get payed, and progress as a person all at the same time. We all have bad days, or weeks, or months. No big deal. I'm sincerely happy that you're still outputting both CO2 and trouble wherever you want to. Keep doing that. There are so many people on this planet that I wish I could say the same for.
The problem is that I think I 'transcended' it for all the wrong reasons. Firstly, I'm a legacy after my father, who taught about half of the people now slowly transitioning into senior staff. Secondly, though somewhat related to the above, for one reason or another, people often think I'm a lot smarter than I really am, so investing their time in me can be easily rationalised. Thirdly, a point related to both previous ones, I never had the feeling of some insurmountable gap between myself and the authority of professors, teachers, whatever. Of course they are better at this shit, most of them had their doctorates for longer than I'm alive ffs! So I asked without restraint, talked with them, got them to recommend me books they consider valuable but not necessarily course-worthy etc etc etc. And whilst many thought I'm being a brown-noser, I knew that the best way to get a senior researcher to talk was to approach them and say "so I read your papers on X, but can't wrap my head around X' in the thing you cited…" or "sorry to bother you, but I got this idea/intuition/hunch after the last lecture/presentation/paper, but can't find anything definitive on it" and they literally wouldn't shut up about it, since it's clear they do it out of passion 99% of the time. Probably helps that I rarely ask questions when I'm not interested in something myself, so it tends to go swimmingly. Right now I'm trying to sever all remaining ties to my university in order to see how I'll fare without at least the first point, which is why I'm aiming for PhD studies almost literally anywhere else. Though, age-related jabs seemed to stop being that much of a thing after I started retaliating indiscriminately. After verbally destroying one dumbass, I finally got what I wanted this whole time: people not talking shit within my earshot. Plus, to quote Freeman's Mind internet series (watch it if you hadn't, it's a riot), being fit in an academic field means you can easily beat up most of your competition. :P I honestly had no time to ponder matters of religion or other things. I guess you put it best with "Still, that doesn't mean that it's terribly difficult to have fun at no one else's expense, get payed, and progress as a person all at the same time. We all have bad days, or weeks, or months. No big deal." It felt oddly nice to revisit this post, though. Not enough to say that notifications were a part of The Plan, but sometimes it's something one needs and doesn't know. EDIT: Also, here's a joke for you: e ^ pi ≈ 3 ^ 3 = 27I hope I'm wrong about this and you've already transcended that milestone