Sometimes I need to scream in to the void.
today I need to scream in to the void.
I'm getting old enough now to look back on long periods of time and realize when I'm good at something and when I really am not. This week I came to the realization about being really not good at something. And maybe I'm beating myself up a little too hard... but I don't think so. Ends may not justify means, but if the ends are all shitty, then the means probably weren't exactly best practices. The longer I walk this ball of dirt, the more I realize that being a little bit good at a lot of things means being shitty at everything.
I'm realizing that tomorrow is my worst enemy...Today is it. Today is all that matters. Of course, this is only partly true... but if you decide to exercise tomorrow, you'll always be out of shape. Take it from a fat guy.
This could be true for a great many things. I am trying to figure out the relationship between today and tomorrow. And yesterday? Yesterday can just go away. Yesterday is dark and mean.
A lot of days it feels like there isn't enough money. Every day feels like there's not enough time.
In reality, there is probably plenty of both... but the inertia of my choices steals much of both if I'm not paying attention.
The business world is cold. I shouldn't look for fulfillment here. I should just trade my time for money. I should bargain for a better rate... but I'd need to find something I'm not so shitty at first.
Or maybe there's a whole other place where you can trade your time for fulfillment... but also earn a living wage.
A living wage... what does that even mean anymore?
Hey - it's Monday! I don't even know what days of the week mean. Are they really that much different? They seem to bleed one into the other. lather. rinse. repeat.
This isn't some kind of pep talk, just my straight opinion, no bullshit. I always thought you were absolutely fantastic at being good to people. I think you are a genuinely good person, a better person than most of us in this world. If you don't feel that way than that's probably why you are a good person. Most of us think pretty well about what great guys and gals we are and that's why we'll never be very good. That's something. It's better than being a good motorcycle rider or the best actuary at the firm. Men in particular spend a lot of time trying to gauge their success and it causes a great deal of distress when they are dissatisfied with different aspects. It's why men kill themselves, cheat on their spouses beat their kids ect. It's a trap. I guess this is the pep talk part. Be ok with who you are. That's all the pep I have for you. Love ya Chris
I'ma go for a run but one hot take deserves another, beyotch. Got another friend that is realizing rapidly that your job ain't your life. I told him I was the guy who stood on a beach in Thailand in 2007 and promised it I'd never work in a cubicle ever again and so far so good. I mean, I turned down another season of Hell's Kitchen because jewelry is too important to me. And because Gordon Ramsay is tough enough in Culver City. Gordon Ramsay in a tent in Vegas in May for less money? Fuck that shit. But yeah I'm scared about the money. You're always going to be scared about the money. You know what has fucked with my worldview the most? Having employees. Some Deep Thinker or other talked about what we "hire" the things in our lives to do. That's because most people will never have employees. Know what I hire people for? So my wife can go on vacation. So she looks at me instead of at the billing. So that she can make it to her kid's birthday instead of sitting there smiling at a bunch of pregnant women that have bought the ruse that they're the most important person in the universe because they're MOMZ. Yeah - that lady making something like $70k off us? Sure, it's nice to welcome new people into the world. Sure - it's great to inspire a healthier relationship between mothers and babies. Sure - it's great to empower women in their own healthcare. But she's getting paid so my wife can take a weekend off with her family. And the more she bugs us while we're gone, the shittier deal we're getting out of her. Unless you're working for SPECTRE or GI JOE or OXFAM or some shit, It Is Fucking INSANE of you to look for "fulfillment" at work. I know they sold all you sararimen this myth of fulfillment or some shit (been there done that) but fuck you for thinking the guy who signs your checks needs to give you a goddamn reason for living. If they're telling you that's part of the deal, THEY'RE LYING TO YOU. They are blowing smoke up your ass. They are using your idealism against you judo-style, CharlieLucyFootball-style, so that you think warm fuzzies are somehow a substitute for cold cash. Shame on them for doing it but fer real dude, it ain't never gonna replace your kids smiling at you just for being daddy. Yesterday today tomorrow? Yesterday tells you where you were. Today tells you where you are. Tomorrow tells you where you want to be. You can't live without yesterday. If something got fucked up between yesterday and today, that's not yesterday's fault that's yours. You had a plan, something got fucked up, and you failed to adapt. Okay that was harsh. Shit happens sometimes. But man. If you can't account for yesterday in your today it's gonna look like yesterday a lot in your future. Tomorrow? Tomorrow is what you're fighting for. Tomorrow is where you realize your plans of today. Tomorrow is the payoff. Tomorrow is your chance to get it right but you won't get there unless you pull off today. Time's arrow goes one goddamn way and if you don't string the bow it will get you between the shoulderblades so FLEX. Now I'm going running. I will always be out of shape, but I will be a lot less out of shape than the walrus in the muumuu I saw yesterday bellowing at his kids. 'cuz if you don't keep your eye on it tomorrow will go to shit and all you'll be left with is yesterday.
I relate to this quite a bit.the more I realize that being a little bit good at a lot of things means being shitty at everything.
One other thing. Talking about these feelings is good. Just yesterday I was listening to a psychologist talking about male psychology and how men feel like this, don't talk about it and do ill things as a result of the bottled up dissatisfaction. Men who talk about it act out in negative ways much less than men who don't.
I agree with cgod. I’ve always admired your natural way with people. You have helped so goddamn many. I think you ought to steal time to practice your craft. Not for success, just because it is the right thing to do. Also stop drinking soda. It’s like cigarettes, and you’ve got no time for that. XO
I haven't posted much, and I mostly lurk now-a-days. This post was something I connected with. I'm not sure exactly how to respond or if there is a right way to respond to this, but here I go: I hope that you continue to scream into the void if only because I can hear it. There is comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I haven't lived enough years to say anything meaningful about your struggle, but just know you aren't alone. Keep fighting and never let your voice be swallowed up.
I like you, Steve. When things aren't ok, please keep saying so. While I and others may not be able to immediately change anything, we will always listen. I like you.
Ranting about it is Good. Thoughts look different when they are inside our heads. When you express them, it is much easier to look at them in 3D and see where they are flawed and where they are beautiful. Just look at the responses from other Hubskites who have connected in some way with your words. A job is exchanging your time and experience for money. Nothing more; nothing less. At times you will find satisfaction in the tasks you have completed today. Other days you will have to be satisfied with the knowledge that the day is over, and you have another one to start fresh with tomorrow. You are not your job. Draw a strong line between what you do for money, and who you are at heart, and you will be far more satisfied with both.