finals tomorrow, HS graduation in a week for a minute it felt weird to think about but it'll probably just be the same suicide is pretty much the only thing that makes high school troubles serious because other than that, if you're rich and white, you've pretty much got nothing to worry about, so if you can't deal with whatever it is you can't deal with, you'd still end up alright except if you can kill yourself i've always kind of thought that because the advice people'll give you for dealing with things when you're young is "you're young, things get better" but quite a few people can't last that long i think we need some better short term advice it was almost freeing to get diagnosed because it made me think "oh, maybe i'm not just incompetent" and i haven't had any suicidal moments lately which is nice this sounds more grim than i want it to, but i've been thinking about how when college students kill themselves, a disproportionate amount of them seem to hang themselves in their dorm rooms, and i question how tall some of these rooms are, because when i was looking at colleges last year, none of them had enough airspace for that i hope i don't get a really tall room
😐 It doesn't get better. That doesn't mean it gets worse. It continues. The capacity for improvement increases with freedom but that's not without the risk of a capacity for truly crushing failures. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," is some grade A "I want to throat punch you now," dismissive platidudinous bullshit that is usually trotted out by people who don't understand what it's like to not want to live. Suicide is the ultimate expression of hopelessness. Keep hope alive and you can probably not get to that point. How? Understand that even if you are plagued with insecurity and a self awareness that makes you analyze every mistake and decision and character trait you have, that you are valuable for reasons you have to come to understand yourself
It only took me about 18 months after high school to realize that absolutely nothing I did in high school was relevant or interesting to the outside world in any way, shape, or form. After about 3 years, I couldn't even remember my classmates names. Now, my friends' kids and my nieces are graduating from high school, and I know that absolutely nothing has changed, and - unless you are shot by an angry white american boy - high school will soon be a thing you vaguely remember, like a book you read once for a fourth grade assignment. Just graduate. Get out into the world and become a participant in this thing called life. Nothing of material interest/value happens in high school. Just get through it.
"In a week, who's going to care?" got me through. Although "week" scales; substitute for "month" or "year". Some of high school required "ten years" and even that wasn't enough. However, when you can't dilute a problem through time you know you've discovered an actual issue. "In four years who's going to care" got me through the worst shit in high school because my problems were largely situational. "That which does not kill you makes you stronger" but it can also make you a mean sonofabitch. When my mom divorced my dad he stopped drinking and started exercising because the settlement gave her (and her new husband) half of his estate "and he'd be goddamned if he'd let that bitch outlive him." The suicides of my generation all involved tall balconies. I suspect they've locked all those off from you whelps as a consequence. My apologies.