This has been a week of self-discovery. I seem to be an HSP — a Highly Sensitive Person. Part of the reason I was unwilling to accept it from the beginning was the corny name. Then there's the fact that HSP sounds like ADD: that is, an umbrella diagnosis with little basis in reality for people who don't fit in with the societal order. I'm still skeptical, but what I read about it describes my experience awfully well. Being an HSP means that I'd find it very difficult to timely process unexpected criticism. It has to do with a lot of things, but mainly — with the bluntness and the lack of nuance to certain responses I might get. Give me data ("here's what, here's why, here's how"), and we'll talk. Make it personal ("you're a dick"), and there ain't no conversation to be had — even though I try. I thought I was just weird. Turned out, there's a reason, and that reason's existence justifies me being myself. There's a sense of liberation in finding out your condition is not unique. There's a note on my smartphone. I wrote it after going out in the street at 2 AM, unable to sleep from being sick with cold. It's the most honest thing I've written in ages. It reads: - I dont wanna learn languages - I dont wanna be a teacher? - I dont wanna tattoo - I dont wanna stay at the uni - I need purpose In order: I got it into my head that I'm interested in learning languages for some reason. Latest events prove that it isn't the case. I still find languages interesting (and I do speak English), but making it into a life goal seems unappealing. That I'm going to need to pass a foreign language exam at the end of the semester complicates matter. This semester sees us studying Economics. The lecture is first thing in the morning on Monday, and it's an exercise in anger management every time because of the teacher. That night, I started reflecting upon my future career, and I recalled wanting to teach children more than just a foreign language. I want to tell them about the rules of engagement in an unfamiliar and harsh world that their parents are unlikely to part with. Then I looked at the Economics teacher and the way she dispenses her "wisdom" (like how men can't be trusted and, therefore, women should always be a bit bitchy, in a "can't handle at my worst, don't deserve at my best" kinda way), and the thought horrified me. I absolutely do not want to be anything like her — and if that's my destiny, then I'd rather not teach at all. Things settled a bit since then and I realized that I don't have to be like her, but the thought will stay with me for a while. I wanted to get a tattoo on my left arm to celebrate the personal growth as well as getting out from under my parents' wing and stepping forth to become my own man. Been dreaming about the tattoo — this particular design — for maybe a year or two. Last week, after asking around and reading about, I'd set up an appointment with a respected local tattoo artist. The night before, I realized, quite vividly, that I do not want a tattoo. I like the idea, but I don't want to wear one. There's something disconcerting about committing my skin to a permanent story. The thought of having spend any more time at the uni, doing things I don't want and performing to a certain level, earns me the blues. I feel stuck in a cubicle-esque existence, doing work that dries my soul out. It's telling that any day I decide to skip nowadays feels like a breath of fresh air that fills me with joy and desire to do good by my life. That said... I feel like I'll be better off with the diploma, because at least it will serve a formal certificate of my skillset, which would (hopefully) make it easier to find a job. I have less than a year and a half until that. I'd rather persevere than regret later. "Purpose" might not be accurate. I need the kind of drive that makes me people do stuff they're passionate about. Right now, everything in me says "Be lazy", and I find it hard to resist most of the time nowadays. It probably has a lot to do with the uni situation, but isn't it possible to work on something good in the meantime? Someone shared The Oatmeal's piece on creativity on Hubski recently. Whoever you are: thank you. I needed to read that. Oh, and Rosa's not dead.
I think we do teens and young adults a real disservice when we say they have to pick a job, pick a career, pick an academic pursuit because it's super important and what do you want to do for the rest of your life? That model may have worked if you graduated in 1958 but not if you're fucking interesting. Not if you have any dreams. Not if you have any ambition. It's better to understand that you need to pick something to study in college because it'll determine what you can do well for the next three or four years, and if that something will lead to something else you can do well for three or four years after that so much the better. My father-in-law is an organic chemist. He's done blood chemistry and blood testing products his entire career and I've got his 1973 thesis sitting on my shelf. My father did engineering, then did biology, then taught physics and mechanics in Brazil, then was a radiation tech for an air force hospital, then did environmental monitoring, then did information security, then did IT, then did GIS for like SWAT teams and shit. And both of them look on me and my wife with envy. Don't be lazy, but don't be afraid of figuring out what makes sense now because the future is gonna mess with ya. The better you can roll with the punches the longer you get to keep playing.
That's the part I'm wrestling with. Remember how I was exciting about NaNoWriMo, and you told me that it sucks, and then you told me what real writing's about? (Your writing, but whatever) I wanted to write then. I wanted to make it work. I'll make uni work. I'll drag it till eleventh hour, I'll cry as I type out the thesis, but I'll make it work. What the fuck do I do in the meantime, with the things I care about?Don't be lazy
Find the small victories and add them up. Winning by inches is still winning. So long as you end up vaguely more ahead every afternoon than you were that morning, you can look back six months later and see how far you've come. The trick is to not fixate on the horizon.
Thank you. It will serve me well to keep that in mind. Now — just to find a way to keep it there.
Checklists. Write one every night of stuff you want to get done in the morning. Ryan Holiday suggests an index card and a sharpie - then you aren't tempted to write too much. Start the morning by looking at the index card. Take it with you if you have to, but check off the boxes as you go. End of the day, look at your index card. If the task was important, put it on the new index card. If it's not, forget it. Move on. Don't let it drag you down. But keep the index cards. Look at them every month and recognize that you did all that.
I’ve actually started a mini journal in a similar vein. At the beginning of the (work) day, I ask myself what two things matter today. Then, at the end of the day, I write down two things that contributed to making the day great, as well as the stuff that is on my mind. Despite it only taking a minute or two, it is surprisingly effective at getting me in the right mindset for the day and being happier with how the day went.
Or, with a Geordie accent: tee hee hee I can see how that works. Making only two things your focus makes things that much clearer.in a similar veen
It's easy to feel compelled to do work when there's an external force binding you to it (even if your reluctant). However, finding that drive becomes harder when the only person you're responsible to is yourself, even for the things your passionate about. I was in a somewhat similar position to you. I finished with academia and found that, even though I loved music and had spent years studying it, I could never convince myself to do the work. I would just waste my free time in the usual ways. What worked for me is a slow but steady commitment to building self discipline. So at first I committed to doing just 10 minutes a day. Then once that became easy, I raised it to 30 minutes, then to an hour, and so on. Gradually, the urge to work became habituated. Hard work is still hard, of course, but the act of dedicating time to it became a natural feeling. This process is made easier if you have a schedule. I started this whole process around July 2016. In January of this year, I tracked 91 hours of my free time that were put towards productive pursuits. You can't just wait for true inspiration, motivation, or whatever name you wish to give to it. It does not inherently exist at a base level. If you think of it coming and going as it pleases, you will sink into apathy and inaction. It is born from the work you do on a daily basis and is perpetuated through dedication to your goals.
Hey, I took my time before reading what you said. I'm glad I did: after what kb and veen said, this sunk in better. First of all, I'm so glad that you found what works for you. I'm always happy to hear that other people make good of their time on this planet. It's inspiring, too. I hope you keep sharing your progress: it helps people like me feel better about my chances. I have a question, though. Have you ever felt, after you first, second or N-th 10 minutes were up, that you could just do more? If you did, did it feel, next day, like you can't mount that mountain anymore because you're not up for X times more than what you've initially set for yourself? That's what always gets me with things like this: I come by a decent measured progress schedule, stick to it for a while (the most I've managed was three weeks, after which the mountain failure feeling set in) and fail when the next obstacle seems insurmountable, even though I've managed so far. Or, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the responsibility or the perceived pressure of "having to" do something to continue the chain of habitual action?
I probably did a bit of a disservice by focusing so heavily on time. Simply committing to putting in the hours is a good motivator when you're looking to get the ball rolling, but it shouldn't be used as a singular measure of success. I've had plenty of days in which I've barely done half of my 'quota'. That could be seen as a failure when looked at in isolation. But when widening my perspective and considering what I've actually achieved, I'm generally satisfied. And really, it's only when you're not satisfied with what you're achieving that you need to question whether you're trying hard enough. It goes back to what kb and veen said, in that you need to recognise your victories and successes as well. If don't, you'll risk focusing on the wrong things and burning out. I like what Leonard Cohen said: That's what I think about. Have I achieved something today? Have I redeemed it from being wasted? If I have, great! Keep grinding. If I haven't, what can be done to change that? Putting in more time is the usually the answer to that question. And that action will be accompanied by victories to recognise.[Writing] begins with an appetite to discover my self-respect. To redeem the day. So the day does not go down in debt. It begins with that kind of appetite.
Ohmahgod, the comedy. Only FirebrandRoaring would start a conversation saying that he's going to be a dick (i.e. literally, "May I be a dick?"), and then take offense when someone says, "Yeah, you're being a dick. I don't talk to people like you." geee-ZUSS!Make it personal ("you're a dick"), and there ain't no conversation to be had — even though I try.
I mean, his wording was weird here but you’ve just become one of the website’s bullies since you decided he was ThatFanficGuy. If you already know you don’t enjoy engaging with him then why do it ? It’s honestly just cringey to have message threads talking about somebody when they can see it. I don’t think Hubski was ever supposed to resemble the hallways of a junior high.
I don't know who ThatFanficGuy is. From what a quick search has shown me, he was around while I was lurking - seems contentious. I've got no stake there, and I'm sorry if I've stumbled across something sensitive in Hub-history. FR's recent comments rustled my jimmies, and I talked about it to him - nothing more.
Should you delete your account in a huff and come back expecting a fresh start only to do the same shit? He's blocked. If he stayed the other guy he'd still be blocked. And I'd never've gotten to the point where I would do that. This could have been avoided if he'd been honest. He's that guy. The odds are incredibly in favor of that theory. Or there's an epidemic of hypersensitivity in Russia.
My message was about you. You have value here but you’re also a part of every single thread that’s only value is putting somebody else down. If I engaged you in conversation and then stopped I wouldn’t feel it appropriate to just continue the thread with somebody else talking shit about that person. Imagine in this thread he responded to me and instead of engaging you anymore I just started talking shit about you with him instead. You might not care that much, but I doubt it would make you feel good and it would make me look bad.
I asked you to do better in another thread. Are you going to reply?
Of course not. Because you're a coward. You sit behind the white screen typing shit that makes you feel big, but come time to answer for your words, your ass is under the fucking bridge.