for what it's worth... I don't think you should put that kind of pressure on yourself. For now, just think about "what's next?". You're not about to get on some irreversible course of life. You're a badass mamajamma. You've got skillz. You're published. You're going to come out on top - absolutely.and also have to decide what to do with my life
Thanks, Steve! I try my best. :) Deep down I know it's not irreversible...but whatever I choose, it's a commitment and it's gonna upend a lot in my life. And I don't know what I want, what 'on top' look like. It thus feels like a super important decision with lots of uncertainty and self-doubt, which is fodder for the worrying part of my brain (even though I am happy and lucky to have more than one good option). Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...