Oh man. Now I feel really bad about not being vigorous with it, haha. Hm. I don't remember the dose, because it was saved from my college years. I remember it being very strong having word from the person I got it from that it was pure. That's not the best, I know. My tripsitter was someone that I trusted, which was the most important thing to me. We're both very open and flippant about intentions, and we both knew going in that it wasn't a romantic sort of thing. We've also talked about the 36 questions before- they're just really good talking questions. She was professional about me wanting contact, gave hugs, but knew not to give me too much credit as an irrational actor. She handled me really well, and after the trip I was really embarrassed but she assured me today that I was fine. An aside, the cuddling thing, reminds me of this page from a manga that's kind of parallel to how I am right now. Oh, no, it was not my first MDMA at all. I believe I've taken it... 6-10 times in my life? I considered myself a psychonaut for a few years. How far does your interest go? The last thing, on reflection, is that there was this feeling of closure that I usually expect from MDMA, but it didn't come to me this time. It was the most disappointing aspect of the trip, I believe. I think it's because I wasn't successful in connecting my state of bliss to my current life. Note that this doesn't mean that the trip was a failure.
Sorry for the late response, I missed it somehow... weewooweewoo I know the feeling of wanting to be hugged very well. My first MDMA experience actually changed the way I hugged people for ever. I didn't notice it at first until my best friend from home said to me: "You hug for real now. What happened?". I embrace and go into full hugs more often now. Before I would do a quick greet hug without actually thinking that people need a proper "holding" hug. And I also found out I need those hugs too. A friend did a workshop at the burn and showed people how to hug more fully. Basically doing a heart-to-heart hug, adapting you body to the person you are hugging :) Good luck with your process. If you ever need to talk to someone from far away, let me know <3