I'm doing better.
The shitstorm of a post yesterday came out of nowhere. I didn't want to believe all the things I was writing, but it just kept coming as I kept diving deeper into the dark pool. Most people seem to have natural restrictions about visiting it, which keeps them sane. I never thought depression should be labeled a mental disease, but seeing what it gets me through lately, I change my opinion. If it's capable of so easily pushing a person to the edge, there must be things done against it.
Maybe it was all the pent-up stress and emotions that I've been feeling lately. All the uni projects, the relationships, personal projects and a job as a private tutor were all giving me quite a bit to worry about.
Maybe it was the only way I know to reach out to people when things get grim inside my head. Not by talking or sending a message, but by screaming off the top of my lungs or doing something that would attract equal amount of attention.
Facing one's incompetence and flawedness is never easy, especially as you imagine yourself powerful and capable beyond what's humanly possible. I've got a lot to work through. It's going to take a while.
Still haven't tried the chicken & rice I did yesterday. It's probably a bit dry, as always. Been going off fast food and soda today. Having a stacked fridge makes me feel better.
Did a run today, first time in a while. Made me feel very good. Going into it without the infantile ultimatums ("I better do X, or else it's worth nothing") seems to do the trick. Been thinking about things that inspire passion in me, and physical development is one of those things.
I'll be off Hubski for a while again. It's getting uncomfortable here because people start to like me. I have a hard time processing genuine interest and appreciation. People being visibly kind towards me is not something I'm used to.
oyster, AnSionnachRua and johnnyFive, your advice is not missed or forgotten about. Your insight and your kind words are appreciated.
Trivia:
- I cut my hair into a buzzcut. It's hideous, but I like to have moved on from something I didn't like to something that can be mended along the way.
- I've always a hard time distinguishing between the girl I asked out first back in KemSU and the girl I asked out first in TSU. They're both about my chest high, closed-off emotionally and have their own demons. Whenever I think of the latter, I call her the former's name in my head.
- My stories are coming along nicely: the ones I plan to make into books as well as a particular forum literary RPG I'm getting more and more invested in. I hope someone will ask me about those someday. Personal development affects those works quite a bit.
Have a good one, folks. I hope you're doing okay.
Hey, now. I consider myself somewhat of a writer and I have no difficulty whatsoever staying sober. it's a chicken-egg problem: are you a drunk because you write? Or are you a writer because you're a drunk? Yeah - there's a long line of addicts and alcoholics that have contributed greatly to the world's literature. But there's plenty of people with zero substance abuse problems who have done the same. I mine my pits without any augmentation whatsoever. In fact, I've found that the quickest way to annihilate my productivity is imbibing.
That makes two of us. The only real alcohol I ever had was when I was six, once, under my mother's supervision (she wanted me to try whatever is called "медовуха"). The stereotype of a true artist, however, is against us when it comes to public image. The fact that some of the most popular artists have included various degrees of "high" into their lives (Stephen King and George Carlin are just two names off the top of my head) just adds to that. Apparently, getting high can be a good way either to defend yourself against or attempt to outrun your demons - or the abyss.
Care to share? I used to play this game called cantr that was great fun but haven't done anything like it since.a particular forum literary RPG I'm getting more and more invested in
Forum RPGs, as they're called in Russia, are very popular among the young people. In essence, you have a fictional world (even if it's a copy of the real world), where each players creates and plays a character. The way they play it is by writing a literary post of indefinite size (some games impose limits from either side, some don't - all up to GM). Each player takes turn writing a post from their character's perspective within a single instance of an event or a location. Naturally, all players do as their characters must come logically from the character sheet they've filled when they entered the game or from their character's past interactions with the world. It seems to be at least moderately popular in the English-speaking segment of the Internet as Play-by-Post games. They seem to be a bit different from what a usual Russian FRPG looks like, however. What I'm doing is trying to steer FRPGs into a more tabletop and collaborative writing direction. "Do whatever you want, as long as you have consent of the other players involved". You're a political nutcase and want to blow a skyscraper up to prove your point? Go for it: just remember that people will hunt you down. Want to kill an NPC as a revenge for your squad going down? Sure thing: just keep in mind that if you do it sloppily, somebody will come after you; and sometimes, you don't even know you're crossing paths with bigger powers than you can imagine. When the game starts, I'll just be waiting for a skyscraper to be blown up. Some of such games require hardcore fluid planning, akin to but wider than that of modern non-linear videogame RPGs. Some improvise stuff along the way. I have the former, because I want to make events happen not unlike a director. Feel free to ask any question you might have.